Greetings Jerks!!! Doctor here. As I sit here in a jenkem haze on the eve of
Prescott Monstercross, rubbing yak semen on my elbows and making offerings to Energor, I am still trying to figure out why I signed up for a 50 mile race with 8,000 feet of climbing. It did seem like a better idea than the 70 mile option with 12,000 feet of climbing. The only conclusion I can come to is that Spring Training has worked. You see, Northern Arizona was recently struck by White Lightening. I am not talking about moonshine or shitty chain lube, but one Jerko Toscani's whip loaded with jerks and baller single speed Konas!
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| The Polar Express |
A three man strike force consisting of the aforementioned Nico Jerkscani, Jonathan Cold, and Orin "Tit Balls" Boyd piled into said vehicle for a record breaking 19 hour run into beautiful Arizona for the 5th edition of Spring Training. The jerks sped through the night in order to see the San Francisco peaks in time for breakfast.
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Flagstaff
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| Breakfast Palace Omelette |
After a gut busting stop at Martanne's Breakfast Palace, where they have instituted the entirely covered plate policy, the jerks drove the last hour and a half into Prescott where they found a green building containing their Doctor hard at work.
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| Ironclad Bicycles |
The hardening process began immediately. Many IPAs and Coffee Stouts
were consumed while I finished up the last of my work for the week. Once
we were all about three deep we decided to go for a ride that would
make all the rest of the rides of the week seem easy. Climbing about
1200 ft in 5 miles while you're drunk is no easy task, but Training Camp
isn't about easy it's about hardening the fuck up. We got back to the
shop 20 miles of trail later ready for some serious food and beer at
Prescott Brewing Company. Somewhere downtown we discovered the Ladybug, the shop owner's car, looking good on the streets.
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| The Boss' rig |
The 5th edition of Spring Training saw perfect weather throughout, temps in the mid sixties and sunny. This is the first year that no snow whatever was involved. Beautiful. Wednesday morning saw the Polar Express pointed in the direction of the 305 trail, one of the best trails in town in my opinion. Combined with the Salida Gulch loop you end up with a great 3 hour ride, which of course left us with a great hunger and powerful thirst for beer.
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Raijin at The Green Gate (305 trail)
Bill, of Bill's Pizza fame, has opened a hamburger place called Bill's Grill. You can get as custom as you want. It's even enough food to put Titty down. Look at that monster of burger!
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| Taco the Dog holding' on tight |
That evening we ventured to the campsites a mile up the road from my house, had a little fire and watched the sunset. My dog taco was very excited to have so much company in the back of the truck, her preferred mode of travel. The hardening process was going full steam at this point, with another great ride planned for Thursday.
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Sunset at the top of The Senator Highway
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Tim, the manager at the shop, single speeder, and honorary Seagal, wanted to take us on a ride in town Thursday morning, but suffered a nasty crash Wednesday morning out riding before work. With him sidelined and the Black Canyon trail only an hour away, the choice was clear. White Lightening was once again loaded with fancy single speeds and pointed south for some desert single track goodness. Black Canyon trail is totally different than Prescott riding. Not as much climbing, much twistier, more consistently rocky, and not a tree in sight. A great place to harden the fuck up.
Anyone who has ridden with Jerkward much, has probably witnessed his uncanny ability to spot underwear and condoms in the wild. In fact at one point during the week I felt like Nico was my guide and we were out on a condom safari. Take this rare velcro equipped pair of BVD's, photographed at the bottom of the 305 trail. There was some speculation that these might belong to our very own C"rot"ch, but we were unable to guess how they may have traveled this far.
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Coach's BVDs
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| Snake in the grass |
This condom was found somewhere near the aspen creek trail head on our first ride of the week. Jerkward clearly has some sort of 6th sense.
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| Black Canyon Bloomer |
Here Jerkward has captured something much less likely to give you full blown aids, the bloom on a cactus at Black Canyon. Here you can also see how different the terrain is to the ponderosa pine forests of Prescott. Note the saguaro cactus in the background. Nice work! Nothing works up an appetite like going on condom safari for a few hours so we had no choice but to go back to Bill's grill to get totally fucked. After a nice easy ride on Friday we would be headed to the mystical land of Sedona for Big Friggin Loop.
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Titty and his Burger
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| Coconino National Forest secret desert campsite |
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| Meet the Jerks |
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| Brahquitos in the works |
Some people like to taper down and rest a little before a big ride. Not at training camp. After a pretty good week of riding, 50 plus miles of Sedona was looming on the Horizon. My initial plan was to maybe dink a little bit less on Friday with an almost 8 hour ride the next day and all. That plan went out the window as soon as we got camp set up. Almost immediately fire was applied to brahquitos to soak up some of the beer. After chilling by the fire jamming some 90's hip hop we were mentally prepared for the task that lay ahead. We were ready to get totally extreme. Criss Angel at T ball practice extreme.
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You know which line in the trail Team Seagal chooses
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Sedona offers yet another totally different environment. The terrain is rocky as a mofo, with beautiful red rock vistas around every corner. The riding is so fun that it really takes your mind off of how worn out you are by this stage of training camp. The trails are super technical, but oddly flowy at the same time. Sedona Big Friggin Loop is a bucket list ride for sure. For all you jerks that haven't been to training camp yet, start planning for next year now.
Jerkward managed to capture some great photos during the ride to further entice you to join us next year.
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| Dr. in Sedona |
After a solid day of riding we were off to Flagstaff to visit
Lumberyard brewing for some top notch food and BEER!!! Another Training
Camp in the books. The next morning it was back to the Breakfast Palace
to get some Jerks carbo loaded for their drive home. I had so much fun
during Big Friggin Loop I went to work on Monday and signed up for some
Monster Cross. Now two weeks later my digestive tract has finally recovered, my liver has been battle hardened, and Superior State of Mind has been achieved! Until next time, get totally fucked!!!
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| Doktor in the Chute |
3 comments:
HOLY UNDERWEAR! What a glorious report of turd-fuel, shred sessions, and (though they weren't mentioned, I'm sure they were happening) butt-bongs. Even Taco the Dog made an amazingly blissful, almost euphoric appearance. Truly, this looks to have been an amazing time for all you jerks.
In regards to the underwear, I am pretty sure they aren't mind, as I switched from velcro to safety pins a few years back as my preferred method for under-garment retention. I'm glad to see you found much evidence of snakes shedding their latex skins deep into the desert. You want to be careful using those things near cacti, with a high risk of puncturing due to cactus spine.
With all that sun available down there, your jenkem production must be at full capacity. Keep up the good work, Good Doctor.
DOKTOR comes through and crushes said post. I had so much fun reading this I read it again. The tales he has told are completely true, come and see for yourself next March.
Doctor, simply amazors. Nice job wi the underwear safari and latex snake rustling. We lack such fine reptiles back here but do catch the occasional Coney Island whitefish floating in the waters. Way to crush spring training and the Big Friggin Loop.
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