Your Death By Hills (ride) is coming.

Greetings, polka-dot-jersey jerks. Like a bored XXX housewife, we need to find ways to keep busy at this time of year. And instead of pool boys, cable guys, milk men and mail men, we're going to elect to get this season started right.

By climbing tons of stupid-steep hills.

Here is the info, which is more or less the same as the last 3 years we've met for this ride:

Where: Lone Wolf Coffee at Kehr's Mill and Clayton Road. PLEASE PARK ACROSS CLAYTON IN THE STRIP MALL LOT.

When:  Sunday, Feb 26th - your alternative to Froze Bros. 9AM - which means clicking in at 9AM. Or if you're riding a Rivendell, cinching your toe-straps down at 9AM. If it is shitty weather that day, then plans may change, depending on just how shitty. The last 3 years, we have been lucky to have bon0r-inducing weather, and I'm hoping for moar!

Why: It's free, it's hard, all the hills eliminate most wind (unlike at Froze Toes) and you probably won't have anyone cursing at you to bridge the gap or work harder.

People who should show up:You, if you're not a total choad. And if you're on SCCC or Red Wheel. Jerks.

Pace: I don't care - I plan on going at a talking pace. The last 2 years, I was in one of the last groups to finish. Hammer if you want to - it's all going to break up anyway.

Where To:  My Garmin Map and below is the cue sheet. PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS ROUTE IS NOT MARKED AT ALL. If you don't know these roads, then  you might want to stick with people who know where they are going. Or don't, as it doesn't really matter to me. I am simply providing a route and a starting point and time.

Which Bike Should I Ride: This one



The route, typed out for you to print:

-Start at Lone Wolf Coffee
-Head west on Clayton,
-Left on Thunderhead Canyon Dr.
-Left on Westglen Farms Dr.
-Right on "Village Plaza View Dr," toward the stripmall
-enter bike path opposite the parking lot
-left across black pedestrian bridge, crossing Hwy 100
-left after bridge
-right onto Old Manchester (across from the Jack in the Box)
-left onto Woods Rd. Descend and turn left up Bartizan, come back down, and continue down Woods.
-left onto bike path and ride south along Hwy 109.
-left up Old State for about .1 mile
-left onto Redtail Hawk Dr
-Then turn/veer left onto Johns Cabin Rd, which is a clockwise loop (Mitch's secret training loop) and will bring you back to Old State. (BUT not before making a quick left up and back down Starwood Rd!)
-Cross 109 at Old State, turn right up Alt Rd.
-Left on Forby.
-Right onN. Central Ave
-Cross over Hwy 44, turn right onto West Main St (in between train tracks.)
-left onto Wengler and start Allenton Loop, going CCW.
-Exit Allenton Loop to the left, go underneath Hwy 44, and climb Allenton Rd.
- right onto Scenic Loop Rd, going opposite direction.
-right, continuing on Allenton Rd.
-left onto Melrose
-right onto Hwy 100
-right onto Woodland Meadows Dr.
-right onto Old Manchester
-right onto Glencoe (through Rockwoods.)
-Go straight up Melrose
-Turn right (again) onto Hwy 100, cross over and turn left and continue on Melrose all the way until it descends to Hwy T.
-Left on T
-Left on Bassett
-Left onto Cremin's Green, out-and-back. Continue up Bassett.
-Left onto Old Manchester
-left onto Bouquet.
-Left onto Ossenfort, cross T, and continue on Ossenfort.
-Right turn onto Hardt Road (at the bottom of Ossenfort Hill)
-right back onto Hardt Rd, returning to Ossenfort.
-right back onto Ossenfort
-Continue straight onto Wild Horse Creek
-turn left up Babler Forest as an out-and-back.
-Come back down, and turn right onto Wild Horse Creek, climbing to Rieger.
-Turn left onto Rieger
-Right on Pond.
-left on Smith School Rd.
-Left on BA.
-left into Babler State Park. Once in Babler, turn right onto John Cochran Dr (CCW loop), turn right up Theodore Wirth Drive, and left down Guy Park Dr (past the pool). Turn right back up John Cochran Dr, climb up the first hill, and turn left at the bottom of the other side (also John Cochran Dr (be careful on the gravel!) and duck under gate to exit Babler State Park.
-Immediately turn right up Wild Horse Creek Drive (Doberman.)
-Turn right onto Old Eatherton.
-Left onto Orville.
-Right up Shephard.
-Left onto bike path alongisde 109
-Left onto Clayton back to Lone Wolf Coffee.

*Please take note of where to exit Babler State Park - it is not well marked, and easy to miss. It is at the bottom of the second climb, when you will pass by it at first, and then loop back around to it. It is not very well paved, and you will have to go underneath a metal gate.

 
I swear to you, by the end of this ride, you'll be stronger - strong like He-Man riding Battle Cat through Eternia.




Alright, Simpson's Trivia Time - This is a two-fer.

1) What is the name of Patty and Selma's pet lizard?

2) In this scene, who is saying "I have to go now, my planet needs me."

-Casey F. Ryback

P.S. For best results in DBH, dominate your toilet the morning of. I like to think that if I were in a lesbian relationship with my toilet, I'd be the mega-dominating butch.