Death By Hills Ride - ride report

Ho-ly Shit. I would like to compare this ride to the photo shown above. Arnold Schwarzenegger in this photo represents all the dudes who came on this ride - a.k.a. super badass, and now-unstoppable muscles strength. The two little old ladies represent all who did not come - a.k.a. super jealous (and probably horny?)

In between mistaking young boys on bikes for hot chicks, we managed to ride up a few hills. Each hill being a monster in-and-of itself, however when ridden back to back all within the same ride in the middle of February, it equates to very serious business. It was a good thing the lower limit screws on everyone's derailleurs were all adjusted properly... (well, maybe not Mason's.)

The stats:
~83.5 miles
~7500 feet of climbing (according to Nico's Garmin)
-6 hours ride time
-26 notable hills, (most of them being the ones that are typically avoided on group rides)
-20 riders starting out (maybe more? I didn't get an accurate headcount.)
-9 riders finishing
-2 singlespeeds
-1 mountain bike (Keeven, you masochistic SOB)
-0 complaints or whining
-100% success

There were several firsts on this ride. Many people had not done several of these hills, and I had never done the Pro-As-Fuck side-of-the-road-pee-while-straddling-top-tube maneuver. Doctor had never even seen any of these hills, yet snapped each one of them handily, including mighty Cremins Green, which is so steep, that you seriously risk tipping backwards (some of our front wheels were lifting off the ground.)

An interesting thing to mention that I found to be absolutely hilarious was the reaction from various other riders when certain hills came into view. Specifically Babler Forest, Bartizan, Cremins Green, Woodland Meadows, Orville (this one resulted in some rather "negative" comments from Nico, directed specifically towards me...) Amusing during the ride as they were, after the post-ride meal, it briefly looked as though I was at risk of being tied to a tree and having each rider taking turns kicking me directly in the nads.

Fortunately for me, Lone Wolf Coffee had enough food for us to shove through our glycogen windows, and this might have soothed everyone's hatred towards me.

There are 3 things in life that you can count on - death, taxes, and this ride happening again, hopefully when warmer. Very nice work to everyone who showed, especially in the later parts of the ride when were all destroyed with fatigue - everyone who attempted a hill completed that hill. It was a shit ton of fun to have all of these other riders show up to something like this, having had such short notice in the middle of the winter/off-season. Just goes to show you that if you plan it, they will show. Just gotta have something that is interesting! See you at the next one?

-Casey F. Ryback


P.S. Watch this video, brought to our attention by our own Puncher of Cocks.

Steven Seagal Lightning Bolt - watch more funny videos