Truly, A Managerie of Energy Drinks

Greetings, loyal Team Seagal fans. You are in for a treat today. Almost as much of a treat as my taste buds were just in!

Because on days when the ice/sleet in my parking lot is of the consistency of Cream of Wheat, there are few other things to do since I can't ride my bike to work in a steaming bowl of Cream of Wheat. (That would be amazing to be able to ride in Cream of Wheat though, because that stuff is delicious - I would literally lick my bike clean.) So here are my ramblings about these 3 new challengers.

The packaging made big promises, which inevitably got my hopes way up:


But would I get a "super power," let alone a "new super power?" Would I indeed be "stamin-ized?" Time would surely tell!

Let's look at the challengers:


These two of these cans were identical to a couple of challengers from our last energy drink exhibition.
Asian energy drink manufacturers, in addition to making their cans bite-size, seem to believe that animals give you supreme energy. These are all very powerful, verile animals - the panther, the "super" lion, the prancing horse; and if you remember last time, the bull! They also really rely on this 1980's-luxury-car-interior brown when coloring their cans.

"But Casey Ryback," you may ask, "What about the damn taste?!?!" Hold your prancing horses. I'm getting to that. But first I have to ask you a question - have you ever had canned fruit salad? You know, the rubbery chunks in the heavy syrup? Well, the Panther drink tastes and drinks like heavy fruit salad syrup. That's bad. And Super Lion, despite it's name, is no more "super" than the Carabao and Red Bull from last time. In fact, it tastes EXACTLY the same as those two. These Asian maketing execs better be careful, American consumers are very saavy and may catch onto this ploy to get at our propensity to submit to various types of packaging. Worst case scenario, they may lose valuable market share in this cut-throat energy drink market.

There was a trickle of hope in this trio of tumultuous tastes. The third drink, "Red Ice," was, I have to admit, quite tasty. Tasty enough that I would actually consider purchasing it for purposes other than practical jokes! Sort of a cherry taste, and with carbonation. In case you were wondering, the name "Red Ice" wasn't just a catch, peppy-sounding name. It is coincidentally an acronym!

Most energy drinks try to downplay the role that caffeine plays in their ingredients. (As if any of those Chinese herbs and Kung Pao BS actually will wake you up...)

All I have to say is, "Welcome to Flavor Country."

Moral of the story? Read this blog, and enter in some races this summer so we can snap your wrists shortly after consumer a random no-name energy drink. We have just over a week till the St. Joe NORBA Race AND the Truman's Big Love Heartland Race! What a great way to kick the season off. Be there or be a puh-ssay.