Hey Fu**ers! It's the FeC-Kar!

Since the ratio of weekends to gravel rides/races this spring is still only hovering around 1:1 Team Seagal HQ has put together another one.

Click the link on the right to see some (de)motivational scenic pics and the same info.

The FeC-Kar

100+ miles of gravel in Iron and Reynolds County, MO

March 10, 2013

It will be nearly all gravel with some pavement and some smoothish singletrack.

Exact starting location TBD, but somewhere near Council Bluff Campground.

Start time probably 8am.

We haven't decided if this will be a group ride or some sort of non-race. Feel free to leave your vote in the comments. We might listen...

Louisville CX Worlds this weekend!!!!!!!!!

5th Annual Death By Hills - 2013

Greetings, pale-faces! January and February in Missouri are worse than seeing ICP live in concert, with few exceptions. One of them being DBH. It's tons of fun. So let's prepare for all the badass rides coming up this year with some early season pain. If you've never done this ride, it is a route that essentially plays "connect-the-dots" with as many of the worst hills that West County has to offer - some just for the sake of going up, turning around, and back down. GTF!

Where: The parking lot across Clayton Road from The Wolf Public House. *DO NOT PARK IN THE WOLF LOT - DO PARK ACROSS THE STREET!

When: Sunday February 24th at 9AM. That is, clicking in AT 9AM - this is NOT "meet at 9AM and then show up 15 minutes late because I had trouble with the particular dialect when translating that last Chinese scroll."  ***If the weather is too cold or wet maybe we'll try to push it off one weekend.***

What Kind of Pace: Who cares. Do whatever. I'll probably be one of the heaviest (currently 227lbs), and therefore slowest, dudes out there, and I plan on riding every fucking one of those hills, which will translate into a talking pace. If you plan on riding Peat's birthday death-march this weekend, then you'll be primed and ready to get ripped. Hammer it out, we don't give a fuck.

Why?  Because fuck it!

Who shouldn't show up: Juggalos

ROUTE: Here is my Garmin link. Please understand that THIS ROUTE WILL NOT BE MARKED AT ALL. In fact, I was thinking of removing the street signs as well; I mean, I know where I'm going. So if you don't where you are going, which is fine, download the Garmin route, print out the cue-sheet, and/or stick with someone who knows where they are going.

The route, typed out for you to print:

-Start at Lone Wolf Coffee
-Head west on Clayton,
-Left on Thunderhead Canyon Dr.
-Left on Westglen Farms Dr.
-Right on "Village Plaza View Dr," toward the stripmall
-enter bike path opposite the parking lot
-left across black pedestrian bridge, crossing Hwy 100
-left after bridge
-hard right off of curb onto Old Manchester (across from the Jack in the Box)
-left onto Woods Rd. Descend and turn left up Bartizan, come back down, and continue down Woods.
-left onto bike path and ride south along Hwy 109.
-left up Old State for about .1 mile
-left onto Redtail Hawk Dr
-Then turn/veer left onto Johns Cabin Rd, which is a clockwise loop (Mitch's secret training loop) and will bring you back to Old State. (BUT not before making a quick left up and back down Starwood Rd!)
-Cross 109 at Old State, turn right up Alt Rd.
-Left on Forby.
-Right on N. Central Ave
-Cross over Hwy 44, turn right onto West Main St (in between train tracks.)
-left onto Wengler and start Allenton Loop, going CCW.
-Exit Allenton Loop to the left, go underneath Hwy 44, and climb Allenton Rd.
- right onto Scenic Loop Rd, going "Wrong Way." (may have to skip due to park rangers or police.)
-right, continuing on Allenton Rd.
-left onto Melrose
-right onto Hwy 100
-right onto Woodland Meadows Dr.
-right onto Old Manchester
-right onto Glencoe (through Rockwoods.)
-Go straight up Melrose
-Turn right (again) onto Hwy 100, cross over and turn left and continue on Melrose all the way until it descends to Hwy T.
-Left on T
-Left on Bassett
-Left onto Cremin's Green, out-and-back. Continue up Bassett.
-Left onto Old Manchester
-left onto Bouquet.
-Left onto Ossenfort (at the big white farm house)
-Cross T, and continue on Ossenfort.
-Continue straight onto Wild Horse Creek
-turn left up Babler Forest as an out-and-back.
-Come back down, and turn right onto Wild Horse Creek, climbing to Rieger.
-Turn left onto Rieger
-Right on Pond.
-left on Smith School Rd.
-Left on BA.
-left into Babler State Park. Once in Babler, turn right onto John Cochran Dr (CCW loop), turn right up Theodore Wirth Drive, and left down Guy Park Dr (past the pool). Turn right back up John Cochran Dr, climb up the first hill, and turn left at the bottom of the other side (also John Cochran Dr (be careful on the gravel!) and duck under gate to exit Babler State Park.
-Immediately turn right up Wild Horse Creek Drive (Doberman.)
-Turn right onto Old Eatherton.
-Left onto Orville.
-Right up Shephard.
-Left onto bike path alongisde 109
-Left onto Clayton back to The Wolf Public House.

*Please take note of where to exit Babler State Park - it is not well marked, and easy to miss. It is at the bottom of the second climb, when you will pass by it at first, and then loop back around to it. It is not very well paved, and you will have to go underneath a metal gate.


NOTE: There are only two gas stations/refuel points on the route, so plan accordingly - first is the MotoMart next to Six Flags (~28 miles in) and the other is at the top of Wild Horse Creek, where it intersects with 109/Eatherton (~80 miles.) Plan your water consumption properly.

I know this has already been posted up, but it it so amazing, it is worth re-posting. Don't let this happen to you... on this ride:


Don't be a dick.
-Casey "Scratch-n-Sniff" Ryback

The Prodigal Doctor Returns

Greetings, Team Seagal Kameraden! Ach du lieber, wir waren uber geschaftigt! Our beloved and much-ballyhooed Doctor Wesley McLaren has come into town for the holidays and has been joined by the Mrs. McLaren!

Yes, we have great news, The Good Doctor pulled a holiday audible and has done gone and gotten himself hitched, according to the State of Missouri!

Harrumph and Congratulations!

What better way, then, to commemorate their glorious day and visit than a return to Team Seagal HQ - The Council Bluff Room. This would be a lap involving a trip to The Bluff as well. We loaded our landing party into the 'Stro and made our way down the road, making sure to slow down to the minimum required speed for an extra long look at our favorite billboard:

*photo from a previous trip.

I tell you, riding in that van I felt like a lone student of Chinese Language surrounded by tenured Chinese Professors. Before long, we were finding ourselves pulling into the Enough Lot, where we prepped ourselves for battle. Can you identify what pedal my comrade uses by looking at his footprint?

From Enough, we thought it best to take the double-track straight up to the top, where we would promptly blow Doctor's mind on this crisp, wintry day.

Up there I thought it fitting to open up the CXmas gift we received from Team Red Wheel, and share it properly. By the way, that may be the heaviest, thickest bottle I've ever seen.

Nico, making to mark his Favorite Tree, honorarily dubbed "The New Judgement Tree:"

A few more scrolls were translated from Mandarin into Jerk-enese, and after that we boarded the elevator back down to ground level:

After that descent, the palms of my hands were more chaffed than Criss Angel's palms the morning after he became a talent scout for preteen boys.

Continuing down the trail, we ran into Trail Bling himself accompanied by his better half, and after receiving a series of devastating heckles related to our riding skills, we pressed onto the beach, where we found some of his handiwork:

We really didn't do it this time!

We knew it wasn't ours because we would have made it bigger, in order for it to be a more accurate, realistic portrayal.

We crushed our way back to the 'Stro, where we reflected on a glorious ride. Doctor felt right at home, finding himself still quite honed-into the Bluff's particular required skillset. We loaded back up, and crushed the drive home, make sure to stop at one of the best QuickTrips - the Herke QT. There we found the best selection of beverages, and an even better selection of people to judge from the safety of the 'Stro.

*Notable milestone of this trip: educating Titty about the genesis of Energor. A smile was brought to his face.


Now here's a video, brought to you straight from Scooter. As you watch it, reflect on this week's "Tri-Ku's:"

I will never quit
Despite my gross lack of skills
The humanity

My sleeveless jersey
mated to my arm warmers
Just my shoulder tanned


-Sir Crotchington

CXMAS 2012 - The Jerk Store Called US For An Emergency Re-stocking Shipment

Greetings, Team Seagal Bandoleros! The winds of change are knocking at our door, much like the intestinal winds regularly knock at the inside of my backdoor. Whether that be in the form of a dramatic, planet-wide climate shift (witnessed by an increase in temperatures with each successive CXmas) or with a changing of the guard in position of the malevolent CXmas Overlord. This year marked a shift in power from PizzaTime McGee to the Great Puncher of Cocks, who has had his fist-sights set squarely on your cock/vag-n-balls.

Betwixt Punch0r and Lawman, a course was determined with many a challenge for our participants, who saw fit to loop around Bangert, The Eco-Trail farther north, then back for another Bangert loop before receiving their carefully wrapped CXmas gift:

Of course, all manner of beverages would be served along the way.

People arrived in the lot, where I had more than a few mind explosions. The first being The Good Doctor, whom I hadn't seen since 2009 in Durango. Still reeling from his 2008 appearance on the CXmas podium:

Just like in the Old West, the Doctor was also sometimes the Sheriff.

The next mind explosion was two-fold, in the form of the can-coozie and the spoke card:

One last mind explosion was in the form of a rare 2012 Mash0r sighting - previously only seen this year by chance on a trail in Colorado, and a couple of trail work days. Thankfully, he hasn't slipped off the edge of the Earth just yet.

Team Red Wheel arrived, sober, and came bearing a gift for us:

A bottle of Old Rasputin Russian Imperial Stout - the embodiment of "not fucking around."

There were more than a few ugly sweaters:

Jeff has had this sweater so long that he used to wear it non-ironically.

Also seen before the start:

Nico at the beginning of a 4+ hour nip blast-a-thon

64oz of pain-reliever.

It's not a costume of the clothing is in your regular rotation.

Here Anthony prepares to be shot from a cannon, but not before showing us proper use of a bento box:

Fuhrmann's tradition of using the tire casing as a psuedo-file tread.

Ms. Kitten Bottoms would go on to use the aero-advantages of her Xmas-helmet to great effect with her head down.

Many of us, myself included, were holding back a tear or two when The Great Gino stood atop that tailgate and gave a few emotion-filled words, making me wonder if this were the '95 Espy Awards.

But no, we were to get this endeavor started post-haste. A quick recognition of a veritable legend, central to TC Man, Big Friggin Loop, Coffee Stout and Chinese Scroll Translation lore within our team, the Good Doctor/Sheriff, once again:

He was actually directing his middle fingers, in this photo, to Avid hydraulic disc brakes - not the crowd.

And they were off.

Shirtless-Jerk-Jackson and I quickly zipped down to Bangert to greet them as they rolled into the trail:

"My name is Gino!"

Nog would be slogged, and shorelines would be ran-up, all in an effort to gain a better poker hand:

Our CXmas'ers were then to continue northward where our partner-team, the South City Cycling Club, would be waiting with delicious confectioneries provided by their Donut Shop Sponsor, Eddie's Southtown Donuts. Last year, you may remember (or may not, depending on how hazy that day is in your mind) the very creative employment of long johns and donut holes. This year, they went in a slightly different-yet-still-related direction, instead of delicious schlongs, they went for delicious "kittens." The "kitten" donuts were in all forms, sandy "kittens," bleeding "kittens," and even the less-desirable cheesy "kittens." Feats of strength would garner moar cards.

They were sent then, southward, back to Bangert for a slop-tastic lap, and then back to where myself, Shirtless Jerk-Jackson, PBR Dave would be lying in wait for gift-dispersement. It would be there that we would witness the CXmas miracle unfold before our eyes.

Once we had our "receiving line" of gifts ready to go, we waited for a short while as they first of our CXmas'ers would pass through.

Even though Masson Storm and company weren't able to be in attendance, we made sure to have a special gift ready anyway:

One good drawing deserves another:

While waiting for gifts to be received, we had one of the oddest appearances evar. Now, we in the cycling world are used to man-trains and (wo)man-trains, but this was the first dog-train we'd evar seen in person:

"Woof woof! Here comes the dog-train!"

Nico, ever the Team Seagal Goodwill Ambassador, provided them with proper hydration for their return trip:

Both Nico and I were hoping against hope that our laid-back friends friends from last year, the only cool recumbent riders we've ever met, would make an appearance, where we could send them on a journey once more, but this time they would be looking for a Punch0r. I was so excited and ready for this to happen, that I had Elton John's "The Circle of Life" already on loop in my head for several hours. Alas, they were never seen.

But what was seen was much ridiculousness, in the form of a helmet that was older than the Don Emilio tequila that I was offering to everyone. It won "Helmet of the Day":

Baby J was emulating Robert-Plant-On-Stage, showing the ladies what he was packin':

That was not before receiving his gift, which he promptly unwrapped, thinking there was actually something in it.

Here is Rock, receiving the best (in my opinion) gift, a 30lb block of plaster:

As I said, we also had tequila available for people to imbibe. This bottle had been passed on from a friend's Grandpa, is that tells your anything about it:

All of this CXmas cheer had me more excited and giddy than Criss Angel reading his new training manual:

It was in this manual that Mr. Angel learned that the "upside-down sword-swallower" is essentially the same maneuver as the "pile-driver."

The CXmas spirit really was in the air tonight.There was much to be done - greet the splattered CXmas'ers as they arrived at the finale:

Coochie coochie coo!

Once all had returned we gave our winners prizes, and consulted everyone's poker hands:

Dr. Roland Sallinger, Co-winner with Devin received an ENO Doublenest!

Devin, co-winner with Skeezer, won a badass pair of Polk Audio headphones!

Badass Junior Podium, cleaning up with Polk Audio schwag!

Matt Stacey, receiving some Polk Schwag after winning the swordfight. No surprise there...

Rounding out the Podium is former Champ BJ also scoring big!

I apologize to Cat, as my photo of her winning her prize turned out shitty, due only to my incompetence at operating a simple god-damned point-and-shoot. Nice fucking work though, especially after having drawn first blood!

A huge thanks goes out to those that supported this year's event: Irwin Tools, Polk Audio, ENO Hammocks, The Hub and of course PBR!

Afterwards it was just moar general confusion, which is no surprise. Lawman produced potentially the best beverage of the day, simply called "apple pie" - here being enjoyed by the esteemed Donjo:

We coudn't end the day though, without serenading Mary Piper with a traditional happy birthday song. You see, we here at Team Seagal HQ are very devoted to tradition.

In keeping with this spirit of tradition, I'd like to continue with our tradition of poking fun at triathletes. This is in a new form, which I call a "tri-ku." This is where you take the traditional and time-honored Japanese Haiku poem, and give it a triathlon theme:

Sweat encrusted pads
Urine soaked Profile saddle
I've set a PR


The Triathlon Song
It is my inspiration
Just a finisher

All bolts corroded
Powdered sports drink everywhere
Hate-filled mechanic

Rear-mounted bottle
Ejected at first pot-hole
Now dropped by group ride

It's all about speed
One velcro strap's all I need
Doubt I'll ever breed


Stay tuned for more in the future. Thanks for coming, jerks.

-Casey F. Ryback