You Finna Be At Lost Valley Luau, Right, Brah?

Shit, cuh! We gon' be doin' this hurr race urrveywhere at Lost Valley. You finna be thurr? We is. Shi'!
Whaddya gon' do instead, drink some bullshit Miller Fortune beer? Naw.

Fuck. The first mountain bike race of the St. Louis mountain bike racing season is just about here, and for the first time in several years, the chances are good that it WON'T have to be postponed until steaming hot July. Like I said, Fuck! So tell us, what have you been doing to prepare for this? Some of us have been going to Arkansas, to Arizona, or to Illinois to take in the views:

Fortunately for me though, I finally got my new secret weapon delivered, and I'm expecting to get totally equalized, and allow me to completely dominate the all the classes:

Look out, because just because my XT disc brake are awesome, doesn't mean they can always stop my fat ass in time to not run you over.

Anyone planning on doing Tour of Hermann?

The Doughy Rider,
-Casey F. Ryback

A Ride in the Cold Snow: Better Than a Sharp Pedal to the Shin

Sheeeeit, a little snow never hurt no one. Well, actually, maybe it did. But hey, we can't think about the past now. We have to think about the future. A future where we can mine tribinium on Mars for export and arm rebel midget hookers with machine guns to defend against Cohagen and his goons:

 So we formed a small surgical-strike team had to get out in the snow on old technology (2-inch and narrower tires, triple cranks, rim brakes) and somehow see if we could manage the 1-2" of snow on our completely outmoded bicycle designs. Thank Energor we survived.

Anyway, we did in fact establish our F.O.B. (forward operating base) at Steinberg Ice Rink, from which we launched our attack on the crusty grounds of the park. We immediately set our sights on each and every inch of double-secret singletrack within it's borders. (There's more than you think...)

I may or may not have broken my frankenstein fender while crushing a log pile, but that is no matter. One thing that didn't break, however, was Jerkward's tubeless Bruce Gordon tires on crabone rims.

We crushed out several miles of the Kennedy Forest loops and then some - not to mention the loop require tops hats, monocles, and a sun umbrella. It was pretty easy to see all the lesser-known trails when they are highlighted by snow, and it was super awesome. Why bother scraping off the car and driving to the legitimate trails when we can shred the tread in FoPo? After an hour or so, we had to stop for beverages, courtesy of Nico's handlebar bag:

Not pictured: open Busch and Ranger cans.

Despite temperatures barely in the double digits, we crushed out another few miles after this social stop, and then parted ways, on a mission to head home. But not before a CX practice lap in the Steinberg Heights.

After arriving back at Casa Del Crotch, while warming up and drinking a Busch Copper Lager, I was please to find out that Tornado Tom was doing his own C-C-C-C-C-CRUSHING today. No doubt that after his race, he was recovering in his own 1980's coke mansion with coke and hookers. Which is what makes it awesome.

If only we would have had a fat recumbent, we could have been so much cooler:

You're welcome,

-Casey F. Ryback

Death By Hills 2014, In Memorium

Greetings, you Jerk-Ass Jerks. As I sit here trying to manage the two fleshy bags of lactic acid that stretch from my hips to my ankles, I reflect on a day that has become an early-season ass-kicker for many of us. I know that this date has been looming over my unprepared head for several months now, but now that it has passed, I feel a sense of relief, accomplishment, excitement, confusion, diplomacy, apprehension, euphoria, and furious hatred.

Nevermind that though - for, to be assaulted with hills the likes of which we see on this ride, means your legs become ready to mow shit down later in the year, much like Dutch, Billy, Hawkins and Mac did to the forest in Predator:

"Up in dem trees..."

(Fun fact, that .gif syncs up pretty well with Mortician's "Drowned in Your Blood.")

Back here, deep within the sprawling Team Seagal Worldwide Headquarters, we had been working hard to ensure a lack of precipitation. Because nothing rains on a parade of people on bikes like actual rain. Our efforts must have paid off, as the roads were drier than the inside of Criss Angel's whitey-tighteys after mistakenly hiding in the girls' locker room all day.

Gathering at Kehr's Mill and Clayton, it was clear that the numbers of the ride were not as high as I had been expecting, most likely due to the island-paradise-like conditions inside many people's gashes. But no matter, it isn't like total participation makes any difference one way or the other to a free group ride. So we rolled out our Train of Flesh and actually managed to stay together all the way down Clayton. Despite picking up a few extra riders en route, we made sure to send them back to the beginning for registration and then allowed them to catch up.

All photos courtesy of the fastest camera-slinger in the west, Nico

Continuing to the first hill, it was readily apparent to me that I was in trouble for the day. I would say that it took me several miles, and multiple climbs, before my legs found any kind of groove. Down Woods Road (Also known as Rocks Road) we climbed up my favorite hill of the day, Bartizan. Since this hill arrives early on in the ride, while everyone is still pretty bunched up, it is very much enjoyable to hear everyone's gnashing of teeth and unintended farts that get squeezed out while in the middle of a full-body tensing of muscles.

After some drama half-way up that hill was sorted out, we continued onto Mitch's Secret Training loop, where we were greeted by some encouragement from one Steve F., left in his absence while he was busy shredding Arkansas trails like a jerk. In an effort to present full transparency, I must admit that I did in fact skip Starwoods Dr. in the hopes of staying with the/any group after having been delayed unexpectedly at Bartizan. I know, this is highly blasphemous to skip a hill from our own ride. But it's done and over with, so I hope that this transgression can be overlooked this time.

As the miles clicked over, I was happy to see that there were little to no big issues with traffic, particularly on Alt Road, which is always a bit of a Japanese-style shit-show. The Allenton Loop did in fact present many people with reasons to doubt their courage, yet all that entered did leave victorious. Briefly regrouping at the Motomart by Six Flags, it was more than a little awkward how everyone was hanging out inside the place. No worries, as I had bigger hills to crush, loftier wrists to snap:
-Allenton Rd: snapped
-Scenic Loop: snapped
-Woodlawn Meadows, a.k.a. the "Goat Trail": snapped
-Melrose: snapped.

From the top of Melrose, we had some nice rolling pavement all the way to Hwy T, which lead us past the Bank of St. Albans (there is a lot of money in St. Albans.) and then up Bassett. Of course, 1/3 of the way up St. Albans affords everyone the chance to climb Cremin's Green!

The D9 Bulldozer is no longer there, but the switchback sure is!

Nevermind the fact that Cremin's is half-way up another hill, which is already huge in and of itself. No matter, that hill allows us to bomb down the other side, and affords us a close pass to a local monument of St. Louis Cycling history, one which we have visited before:

Bouquet Road: snapped, though the landscape has changed dramatically since the last time I visited - the powerline strip that crosses the road has been completely clear-cut, giving the hill a Mt. Ventoux-esque feel. (Not that I've ever fucking ridden that climb.) I can't help but think that all of those trees seemed to be much shorter than the power lines themselves, and now that they are gone, I can only imagine how badly eroded that hillside will be in just a few years.

Onward - we had to go crush the Wildhorse Creek Vallley flats, which meant a top speed run on Babler Forest Salt Flats:

proof that it can be done on a SS.

No word on if the shoes hanging from the powerlines last year were still there.

After a quick lap of Babler State Park, one dude Tokyo Drifting his fart-can'd NSX, we crushed out Doberman Hill, had some great service at the gas station at 109/WHC  Road, and then continued to snap the rest of the route before climbing the home stretch of Kehr's Mill towards victory.

What a great ride - I would like to thank my 11-34T cassette, XT derailleur, and extended jenkem high for providing me with the means to endure the continual assault on my quads. It was great to ride with lots of people from all over the region coming to ride some of the smoothest pavement around. I was also glad to see that our very own Roland Sallinger has progressed his fitness so far already, that he didn't feel the ride was hard enough, thus electing to install some bottom bracket bearings that were so completely roasted and packed with crunchy-style peanut butter, that extra wattage required to spin them (and his 40psi tires) all day probably equaled out to an extra climb or two by the end of the day. Nice work! Truly superior state of mind.


I was slightly disappointed to see that the closest we came to having a fat bike class were dudes on CX tires, however, I was then made happier upon learning of this early ancestor of the modern fat-bike - it was cool WAYYYY before it became cool:

This concludes today's session,

-Casey F. Ryback

Things to Keep in Mind for Death By Hills

Greetings, Early Season hardmen/women. DBH is nigh upon us, and while it and the 25% grades it brings may cause pre-cramps in the quads of the un-superior (or "inferior" if you're into the whole brevity thing) it shouldn't cause problems for those of us who have been gettin' totally "swole" all winter long.

Here in the Team Seagal Conference Room, we've been formulating a few... uh... format changes for this year's ride. Despite this not being a timed ride in any way, shape or form, why don't we offer time bonuses for those riders showing up with the right "attributes." For example, be sure to show up early to get weighed in so that you can get your "over-200-lb" time bonus. Additionally, if your name is Nico, or if you have ever offered to translate the most Ancient of Chinese Scrolls with an off-duty cop, you also get a time bonus.

Additionally, if your name is Peat, and your currently have a broken bone in your leg and/or hip area, then you get a big time bonus, regardless of whether or not you are riding. Or, if your name is Bob and you open your beers with a drill, then you get a time bonus. Or if you show up wearing a weight vest to give you the equivalent weight of one of your over-200 heroes.

Big time bonuses if you are show up blasting out your nips, or sick blast-beats like on my new favorite album:

However, if you piss and moan about every hill as you come up to it, then you get a massive time penalty. No wait - just don't come at all, because you'll be missing the point. No time bonuses for post-ride self-congratulatory back-patting, either.

Please remember, be waaaayyyyy more courteous to drivers than you normally would be - since West County doesn't normally have a group this large come through it on open roads - we will be impeding traffic in the middle of the day a lot more than is generally accepted as ok. This means stopping at stoplights, at least yielding at stopsigns, ect. So I'll stress this point: DON'T BE THE DICK WHO FUCKS IT UP FOR EVERYONE.  At the end of the day, I don't want to find myself saying what I heard every day of my childhood: "This is why we can't have nice things, Crotch."

Shit, that's just good life-advice anyway: "Don't be a dick." And I think Nico often offers up his own advice which happens to be the second part of that: "Don't fuck it up."

Don't be a dick and remember what you learned in school:

The hits keep coming. In an Furthering-Education series, we will now provide a how-to video what equipment not to use when attempting to go off-road:


I'd say that the biggest problem that dude will face on tight singletrack, (aside from the monstrous wheelbase, of course) is the ancient Rock Shox SID, which was already the most flexy fork on the market. That is, if it even still works!


-Casey F. Ryback

Death By Hills, Round 6

Greetings, Team Seagal comrades. While C-Dubs is keeping busy watching the 2-Man Luge over and over again, we finna be plannin' a ride. Death By Hills is here again, same place, route, time of day. So dial in your rear derailleur lower limit screw, and start massaging your quads. I've installed an 11-34 cassette on my wheel, just to assist in getting my gravity-challenged ass over all the hills. Key words: *ALL* the hills.

Where: Across the street from the Wolf Public House - in the big lot next to the gas station. Don't expect to get any food from the Wolf afterwards - they close at like 2.

When: February 23rd - same days as Froze Bro's.  Important to note: if the weather sucks for 90+ miles on the 23rd, maybe we'll try it again on the 2nd of March - which is the following weekend. Bad weathr could include rain, snow, and/or temps that are too cold.

Time: Clicking in at 9AM

Pace: Whatever - I'm going the only speed I know how to go - glacial. Some dudes will hammer, while others will pedal. If you're not sure where you're going, hang with someone who does know.



Route:  Garmin Link


-Start at Lone Wolf Coffee
-Head west on Clayton,
-Left on Thunderhead Canyon Dr.
-Left on Westglen Farms Dr.
-Right on "Village Plaza View Dr," toward the stripmall
-enter bike path opposite the parking lot
-left across black pedestrian bridge, crossing Hwy 100
-left after bridge
-hard right off of curb onto Old Manchester (across from the Jack in the Box)
-left onto Woods Rd. Descend and turn left up Bartizan, come back down, and continue down Woods.
-left onto bike path and ride south along Hwy 109.
-left up Old State for about .1 mile
-left onto Redtail Hawk Dr
-Then turn/veer left onto Johns Cabin Rd, which is a clockwise loop (Mitch's secret training loop) and will bring you back to Old State. (BUT not before making a quick left up and back down Starwood Rd!)
-Cross 109 at Old State, turn right up Alt Rd.
-Left on Forby.
-Right on N. Central Ave
-Cross over Hwy 44, turn right onto West Main St (in between train tracks.)
-left onto Wengler and start Allenton Loop, going CCW.
-Exit Allenton Loop to the left, go underneath Hwy 44, and climb Allenton Rd.
- right onto Scenic Loop Rd, going "Wrong Way." (may have to skip due to park rangers or police.)
-right, continuing on Allenton Rd.
-left onto Melrose
-right onto Hwy 100
-right onto Woodland Meadows Dr.
-right onto Old Manchester
-right onto Glencoe (through Rockwoods.)
-Go straight up Melrose
-Turn right (again) onto Hwy 100, cross over and turn left and continue on Melrose all the way until it descends to Hwy T.
-Left on T
-Left on Bassett
-Left onto Cremin's Green, out-and-back. Continue up Bassett.
-Left onto Old Manchester
-left onto Bouquet.
-Left onto Ossenfort (at the big white farm house)
-Cross T, and continue on Ossenfort.
-Continue straight onto Wild Horse Creek
-turn left up Babler Forest as an out-and-back.
-Come back down, and turn right onto Wild Horse Creek, climbing to Rieger.
-Turn left onto Rieger
-Right on Pond.
-left on Smith School Rd.
-Left on BA.
-left into Babler State Park. Once in Babler, turn right onto John Cochran Dr (CCW loop), turn right up Theodore Wirth Drive, and left down Guy Park Dr (past the pool). Turn right back up John Cochran Dr, climb up the first hill, and turn left at the bottom of the other side (also John Cochran Dr (be careful on the gravel!) and duck under gate to exit Babler State Park.
-Immediately turn right up Wild Horse Creek Drive (Doberman.)
-Turn right onto Old Eatherton.
-Left onto Orville.
-Right up Shephard.
-Left onto bike path alongisde 109
-Left onto Clayton
-Left on Strecker
-Right on Kehr's Mill
-(option to turn left into Saddle Creek Neighborhood and reconnect up to Kehr's Mill at top of hill)
-or take Kehr's Mill straight back to The Wolf Public House.

*Please take note of where to exit Babler State Park - it is not well marked, and easy to miss. It is at the bottom of the second climb, when you will pass by it at first, and then loop back around to it. It is not very well paved, and you will have to go underneath a metal gate.


NOTE: There are only two gas stations/refuel points on the route, so plan accordingly - first is the MotoMart next to Six Flags (~28 miles in) and the other is at the top of Wild Horse Creek, where it intersects with 109/Eatherton (~80 miles.) Plan your water/food consumption properly!!!




This year also marks the first year for an official Fat Bike Class. After months of lobbying for their own class in the CX races, they finally have an official class. Just know that if you show up on a moped/e-bike, I will stab you with my chainrings. So there you have it, show up if you want, just don't be an:

 Stay tuned, as there is more information


-Casey F. Ryback

Jerkduro #3: No go bro!

There might be plenty of pow pow out there of the white variety (and not the massive amounts that probably passed through the Packwood Estate in the late 80s, secretly coming up the Meramec River), but none of the brown kind. With that snow, ice, and more cold temps for Sunday I expect turnout to be pretty much zero again. So no jerks will be standing around in the cold trying to work cheap stop watches while wearing gloves.

GTMV'd

-It's not a bluff view delivery this weekend

Ice-duro Jerk-ride. I mean, Jerkduro Group ride.

Greetings, Team Seagal Bandoleros! When it comes to doing shit on mountain bikes, what better time is there than when the ground is frozen? Almost none, that's what. Since the first Jerkduro got squished by poor conditions (since the freeze-thaw cycle is immune to yak semen, the active ingredient in our rain-preventing dance) we pushed it off to today, CX Worlds/Superbowl Sunday. And what luck, our ground was frozen solid, despite a full day of freezing rain yesterday.

I, Casey "Glacier" Ryback, awoke this morning to find that as I slept, a brown iceberg had cleaved off of the stinky glacier inside my colon. This was discussed with both our good Doctor and with C-Dubs, who bestowed upon me the glorious news that they were also commemorating the first Jerkduro, CX Worlds, and Superbowl Sunday with super turds in their toilet bowls. This had me thankful for the wonders of technology, which was, at that moment, allowing me to talk about pooping with two dudes who were each 1000+ miles away from me, in opposite directions. Truly, this is a great time to be alive.

Saddling up in the ole Maxima, with rusty weight-reducing holes, I mounted my not-cool-anymore 2.2" wide tire mountain bike to my ancient roof rack, and speedily made the journey out to the start of the Al Foster Trail, to see who would show up. Turns out, it was just enough dudes to make a nice man-train. The conditions would be treacherous, though. The Power Duo of Larry and Bryan rolled up, having just descended down the trail, and told a tale of reduced traction, unpredictable surfaces, and heinous epicnicity. I was stoked. So stoked in fact, that I had to pull up some recumbent stunt videos on my smart telephone just to calm the fuck down. Good thing I found this video, which turned my over-stoked status into uncontrollable laughter:


\>


So our Bluff View Strike Force was assembled:  Nico "Gold Cans" Toscani, Orin "I put the 'Ti' into 'riding my Ti bike with tennis shoes' " Boyd, Gino "Delivering Pizzas to the Packwood Estate" Felino, Strove "thermal headgear?" Frodeman, Larry K, Bryan A, and myself, Casey "Sorry for the Smell" Ryback.

Since there weren't really many dudes having shown up, and since the racing against the clock in these conditions would have been pretty sketchy, we decided to make it a nice leisure-suit-larry ride to the top and back. But what a ride it was!

Despite traction that could be described as more slick than STLPAF Dave's downtube when it is sprayed with Pam prior to a potentially muddy CX race. Nevertheless, we were able to avoid serious jam-jobbage while choo-chooing our way up the climb on the way to superior glory:

From near the top, we reveled in all of Energor's Creation:

For once, the moderate rutting from people being dicks by riding the muddy trails was a bit of a help to us in the traction department. We rested briefly for translations and imbibing, just long enough for the sun to actually show itself for a moment. What perfect timing. It was here though, that I found out Strove's secret to making his psuedo-fatbike so light. In addition to buying a lots of boutique, expensive go-fast parts, he really sweats the details, like forgoing unneeded bolts:

On a dicey descent, one in which I executed a miserable pass on Jerkward and broke a tree, we found the ground to be less slippery than we thought. Back at the cars, a few of us headed out, while myself and PizzaTime headed out for Round 2. We rode back out, with plans for a hot lap of Stinging Nettle, Blue Ribbon, and finally, a victory lap of Blorff View.

We told these swans to get fucked, to which the responded "HONK HONK HONK," which I'm sure translates into "Don't turn us into sleeping bag insulation!"

We kept the party rolling, passing by all the major trail landmarks. We entered Blue Ribbon Trail, a loop which the Mayor disclosed he had not presided over in years. Pretty surprising, for a man of his political power. We embarked clockwise, and upon cresting the first hill, we took a moment for a viewing of someone's memorial just off the trail:

We pondered, reflected, and silently pressed on, which meant immediately taking the downhill to shred-town. Approaching the bottom, our tires clawed up to the top of the second hill, where we descended once again at Ludicrous Speed, under the tunnel, and back onto the Al Foster. One good turn of the Bluff View deserves another, so we ascended once more, though it was clear that the trail surface was becoming less "textured" and more "peep-show-floor-esque."

Slowly ascending, we did come across Geez0r and Thrash0r, engaging in illegal (in some states) acts. Geez0r was fresh onto some Goldilocks wheels, and telling tales of going faster than everyone younger than him. We discussed using our turds for added traction, and possible devices for deployment of said turds onto the ground surface. He knows that we are down, and will help finance this product's development.

Upon reaching the bluff, the second time, myself and ItsNotDelivery found our very first GeoCache. How exciting! It was even camouflaged. That didn't stop my eagle eyes from seeing it through the brush, much like Titty's Hawk eyes saw the fox down on the river banks. Oooooweee. Anyway, since we had nothing to deposit in the Cache besides turds, (and we didn't want to give away free jenkem to the next person to open the container) we made sure to sign the guest-book!

Actually, Pizza did leave a beautiful Schlafly bottle cap, probably with some coffee stout residue.

I think it was a success, even though there was no timing to be had. No worries. Beer and bikes once again came together, not unlike the pages of Criss Angel's copies of "Boys Life" magazine. And despite having to hit the brakes to keep my speed in check more often than Leg-Titty buys and/or sells a bike, we had a totally excellent ride.

Anyway, as a reminder, Feb. 23rd is Death By Hills, same place, time, route. More details to come.

-Casey F. Ryback

Jerkduro-The Deuce

Number Two is about to happen!
No, you don't need to clench your butthole tighter, Jerkduro #2 will be happening this Sunday at Bluff View Trail. Bluff View is generally fast fun and reasonably flowy, no sphincter-tightening sections to be found here.

When: 10am Sunday Feb 2
-This means some jerks will be there at 930 or so to take down non-racer names, bomb the porta-potties, and generally make you wonder why you showed up
-Around 10am we'll ride over to the start of  Bluff View as a group

Where: Gravel Lot with the porta-potties near the start of the Al Foster trail

Yeah its going to be cold...
So dress warm, drink up, remove that sand, and be there!

Sans Jerkduro, The Chariot Ride. Plus, a New Enemy Gains Prominence

Greetings, jerky turd-buckets! Today we were to attempt to have the first of the Jerkduro series, which would test your metal, ability to resist gravity, and probably also your word-problem solving skills, just because hey, fuck it. However, thanks to glorious weather directly following less than glorious weather, the freeze-thaw cycle was surely in full effect. So, no Jerkduro today.

That's why Energor gave us road bikes though, right? For us to use on those days when any responsible mountain biker would look at the trails and say to themselves, "Instead of being a huge fucking DICK, I'll find something else to do. Because I'm not a fucking dick." So since today we were expecting to top 50+ degree temps, the last minute decision was made to hit up a little group road ride. I received orders from Team Seagal HQ just in time, because I had plans of calling a couple non-riding buddies to see if they wanted to meet for a lively discussion on the pros and cons of the oxford comma. Fortunately, my comrades were there to save the day by providing the right counsel and guidance.

Enter the 23c tire. The plan, devised at the last minute, was to rendezvous at The Hub at 10, at which point we would declare "Manifest Destiny!" and head west - into the wind. I departed from Casa Del Crotch-ito on my not-for-gravel bike, and it wasn't long before I threw up my hands and made the decision to stop fooling myself, and get off the standard 39/53 double train. I would tell myself "Don't replace it! You can still utilize the standard double! C'mon, a compact on a carbon bike? Really?" However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that this is like when parents tell their kids that "You can do anything," or "You can be anything you want to be in life, as long as you put your mind to it." ...when they know in the back of their mind that there is little to no chance that little Payden/Jayden/Brayden/Cayden or little Addison/Madison/Madyson will ever do anything worthwhile in their life, besides try meth a few times and then ending up with a car that isn't worth replacing the missing hubcaps.

Where the fuck were we? Oh yeah, we were meeting at The Hub. I, the honorable Coachward F. Crotchington, rolled up, and was soon joined by the likes of Harlan "Moar Hopslam Pleez" Banks, Cock "Moar Stag Pleez" Punch0r, Jerkward "No-'Stache" Toscani, and eventually Gino "4 Ti bikes, no big deal" Felino. Our strike force was gaining strength faster than Criss Angel's boner at T-ball practice.

As we were congealing in the sun across from The Horb, waiting for our train to reach full strength, we were accosted by none other than Rock "Road season is my CX off-season" Wamsley, who was regaling us with tales of his glorious ride, and the rough transition from CX season's short efforts to road/mountain season's longer, sustained efforts. All this was well and good, and something to which we can all relate, but I think have finally cracked his go-fast secret. And it is something I have never been able to employ - and that is motivation - specifically being motivated to get up early enough for a 60+ mil ride that is finished by 10AM. Generally speaking, at 10AM I am still debating whether to make coffee or walk across my street and get coffee at the coffee shop.

Waiting for the Mayor of St. Pizza-burg, what happened next was one of those moments that makes you chuckle the rest of the day - much like when punching a juggalo. We were directly in front a of a church, which was about to start "services," so naturally, there were a lot of people parking nearby and walking in. One elderly couple, perhaps 75 to 80, pulled up and parked in the street directly in front of us. The elderly man stepped out, took one look at us, and, gesturing at Nico, said "How can HE ride with you guys, when he doesn't even have a beard?" Well played, old man!If only Doctor's glorious beard had been in attendance, we would have given that old dude a serious case of 'Stro-verload.

We'd had enough lip from churchy locals, so once FuckDelivery rolled up, we were finna head out faster than C-Dubs jumping out of bed for the first of his two morning constitutionals. Heading west, we rolled up Ballas (much to Pizza's dismay) and then bombed down Marshall, and into the Valley Park flats:

Pathlete style was much more preferable to the wind-tunnel that was Marshall Road. I tear was brought to my eye as we rolled past the site of Cross-ocalypses Past. Continuing through all that bullshit, much was discussed. Before long, we were squeezed out and pinched off onto Big Bend, which is truly a shitty road between Sulfur Springs and Ries Road. I am crossing my fingers that one day there will be a connecting bike path along the river that connects the lot at Hwy 141 and the Meremac River right into Castlewood State Park. The only problem is that my fingers generally spend most of their time in my ass, as I don't have much better to do, so crossing them might get cancelled out by all the poo particles.

We passed by Ries, because when headed into the wind, why stop the party train? Anyway, that rained on my Ries-Road-Top-Speed run. I'm usually good for 49-50mph according to the ole' Cat's Eye. But this time, we headed out to New Ballwin, on toward Queefer Creek, and onto a St. Paul/Ridge Rd lap, especially impressive since singlespeed Snurby was zig-zagging up St. Paul more than the boys who escape from Criss Angel's compound zig zag while on the run through his yard, as they try to avoid the tranquilizer darts from the guard towers.

This brought us to a favorite vista of ours, which affords us a view of Downtown StL, even the Arch if you squint really hard:

We continued onto Hutchinson/Stop-Sign Road, and at the end of that, our group split into a Punch0r/Pizza faction, and a Snurb/Toscani/Ryback faction. Our trio turned with the wind onto Clayton, which we took all the way back home, and were pleased to find that we could maintain between 20 and 30 mph. For me, this was mostly was possibly only because I was riding the Toscani-Snurb Chariot, with the two of them side-by-side in front of my rotting carcass, pulling me all the way back, much like this, but with less dorkiness:

As we were man-training our way eastward on Clayton Road, it truly was amazing how many people were out riding - there were more bikes out there than there are cell phone commercials with ukelele music. Fuck!



In other news, we purposefully don't get too political on this site, but I feel that we should bring up something that could fuck it up for all of us: E-Mountain Bikes.

one example.

 E-Bikes, more commonly known as fucking Mopeds, are already currently being ridden all over the fucking place, like bike paths and sidewalks - the few places where pedestrians and cyclists can AVOID motorized traffic. For the longest time, their purpose was to make it easier for people to get to places - putting a motor (electric or gas, doesn't matter) on a bicycle, which then becomes a moped. I guess it was inevitable then, that some lazy turds would start attaching motors to their mountain bikes so that they could go faster and climb easier up those hard hills.

Take a look at this site dedicated to the whole thing, and then do a google search for more info:
http://www.ebike-mtb.com/en/

How lazy do you have to be to skip using a dirtbike/motorcross bike for a bicycle, only to put a motor on it anyway. And what are the chances that any of these lazy turds would actually continue riding their off-road moped under their own power once the juice runs out? Zero. And how long before these lazy fuckers start getting lumped in with the rest of mountain bikers in the eyes of equestrians and hikers?

Motor + bike = moped
No Mopeds on Trails.

Here's my E-ku:

Lazy pedaler
Climbing hills is hard work, man
Watch how fast I go



Anyway, final note is this - now that I can say I'm from the South Side, I'll mention that I put the "fun" into "funna," as in we're funna do Death By Hills on February 23rd. Same time, place, and route, weather permitting, with rain date of March 2nd. More details to come, as there has been discussion regarding a way to make something better than more farts come out of this ride. Let's all revel in one of my favorite photos of the past: What a jerk.


Get Fucked!
-Casey F. Ryback


P.S. check out the new Raijin, cuz!

This may or may not be my weapon of choice for the 100 mile P-T-P OT race. Stay tuned for that!

Jerkduro #1

CANCELLED

Jerkduro #1 for January 26 is not gonna happen. By 8am the temps should be above freezing already. It's going to be a freakin great day with a high in the 50s, but that's not going to be good for the trail. No jerks will be riding that soft slippery mess.

5 more potential dates to go...