Death By Hills 'aught 12

Greetings, climby nut-jobs. This ride is starting to resemble the Bejing Olympics Opening Ceremony - people as far as the eye can see. We have done this ride 4 years now, and when it comes to weather, we have gotten more lucky than all the band members of Nickelback when giving each other "backstage passes" out back behind their tour bus. Sorry, Ben G.


This year promised to be as hard as ever, with unrelenting pavement that seems to have only gotten smoother. Thankfully we were all in our new kits which are chronically baller. But kits don't get you to the finish line - you need a good bike. I wasn't sure which bike would be the best choice for the ride this year, but I was sure that I wanted a bike that would not hold me back at all. Fortunately, I came across this comprehensive review of a very high performance model that I decided to use:

With the suspension, I was very comfortable over all 92 miles, and the 18 speeds really helped me climb all those hills.

A buttload of people showed up for this ride - I would guess that it had to be over 100 people. It was great to see a lot of people from various groups, like those SCCC jerks (perhaps vagina donuts next time?), Pete Goode who is actually currently on his second lap, a bunch of people I've never met, Fearsom Earsom, and countless other dorks. I mean lets face it, we are all huge fucking dorks. Look at how far back this line of dorks goes:

Things found on today's route:

Nothing like a mid-ride glory hole.

Despite being one of the very last people to roll in, alongside Matt Hayes, I must say that I actually felt pretty good - but not as good as the handful of jerks that rode their singlespeeds up all these long, steep hills. Especially you, Toscaniward - he helped provide me with sustenance in the shape of hash crowns with pepper cheese, which was in addition to the donuts that I ate on the way to the ride. That's how we get ready.

Also great thanks goes to Strove's parents who provided some of us with much needed water and sammiches.  Ooooweee. And I hope that the one girl from Colorado learned that Missouri has some hills, even if they aren't 20 miles long.

Not a whole lot to say, other than a 60 degree day in February spent on the bike from morning to evening is a day well spent. Perhaps Snurb's newly created Bathtub Mary has had some influence on our fortunes... Anyway, this was a very strenuous ride, so I'm going to kick back and watch one of my old favorites:
 


-Crotchward F. Crotchback

P.S. Here's my garmin link, though I think the elevation is a bit off. If you have garmin links, post 'em up.

A Quick Tease from your Doctor

I took these pics on my ride home from work the othor day, Thanks Prescott National Forest!






It's Gold Baby!!

UnaDoctor

MFXC III REGISTRATION OPENS NOW

MFXC 3 REGISTRATION STARTS NOW!!!

Greetings from the Pacific Northwest,

Mason Storm here to tell you all about a little mtb race yours truly and a bunch of jerk teammates of mine put on each spring, and how you too can be a part of its up coming 3rd installment. The rules are simple, so follow them, be patient, and prepare your mind/taint for some OT love this spring! The MFXC was conceived 3 years ago and will be no different this year. All participants must follow our simple registration rules, and then the rest will follow shortly after the registration close date. You will learn nothing moar of this event until that time and only if you register.

This year there are a few changes to how I'm doing registration, so pay attention. You must do all of the following by April 1 2012, anything sent to me after will not be considered. You will also have to be one of the first 100 REGISTRANTS(I doubt we'll get there, but we need to cap it somewhere...i mean this shit is FREE people?!)  The theme of this years MFXC registration is a tribute to the REPACK days and Grassroots MTB racing at it's best. All entries will be voted on as MFXC 4 T-Shirt design, so do your best work. If you need some inspiration go HERE, HERE, HERE, AND HERE.

DETAILS:

All Non Racer's must send me the following no later than APRIL 1 2012.

1 - Pen and Ink drawn MFXC 4 non race Poster (11x8.5, Black ink only, line drawing, hand drawn, you get the idea.) Have fun with it, but also remember this could be chosen as next years t-shirt design!

Mail your poster registration along with... Name, CAT(SS Open, M Open, F Open), T-shirt Size. (New for 2012 if there are 4 or MOAR Females on SS, We will award y'all as a CAT.)


TO: Mason Storm 4824 182ND PL SW Lynnwood, WA 98037


also include...

1- 9x4/ Business envelope (for the serious business I will be sending back to you) with your return address and a stamp, Stormy's on a budget!

Also new for 2012 I will be staging the top secret classified non race materials sent back to you nonracers in order of when they arrive to me up in the great Northwest. The sooner I get them, the sooner you'll hear back from me.  And seeing that yours truly now calls WA home you can bet teh JERKS that are responsible for all of the course work/planning will no doubt raise the AWESORME bar yet again. Prepare yourselves, it's gonna be RAD. Don't forget April 1, and don't forget DBMFH!

 I hope to see all the usual JERKS for my favorite weekend of teh year in the MO WOODS. I will be flying home to non race MFXC this year, and look forward to all the serious taint numbing goodness the MO OT has to offer!  I'll be seeing you all sometime this spring!

Mason "MR.WA" Storm

MFXC 3 REGISTRATION STARTS NOW!!!

A Quick Check-In

Speedy Delivery, from Mr. McCrotchy:

Just a little well-known StL trail-nugget. Is there anyone who doesn't know where this is?

 If not, then please educate yourself.

In teh meantime, we have a few news items to mentiorn.Our power grows, as an increasing number of our troops have carnal knowledge of how to cleanly ascend the Greensfelder babyheads. Please speak with T0rrez and Mash0r regarding these items.

Next up, there are soon to be exciting developments in the works on the "Team Seagal Textiles" front. But I can't divulge anything beyond that - you'll have to keep paying attention to this blog, in the same way that Criss Angel stays glued to his textbooks as he studies to become a Pediatric Proctologist.

In even moar exciting news, One of our newer members to the team (but a familiar face to the local mtb/cx scene) Dr. Roland Sallinger (seen here) has officially become the first Soldier to get accepted into the Infamous Leadville Trail 100 - yes, the one that goes so high into the mountains, that he may actually catch a glimpse of Energor. No doubt, he will soon be ramping up his saddle time to previously unheard-of levels. He has asked us if we could take chamois cream donations for his training effort, as he will most certainly need it. Used or still in the package, it's all going to a good cause - the Save Scooter's T'aint Foundation.

No doubt this winter has been a good one for most of us, most notably yours truly, as I have secretly procured a fancy new trail weapon:

I know what you're thinking: "But Crotch, think you have enough hydraulic hose? You could probably lasso a couple of DRJ'rs with that!"   Yeah, I bet I can! Get fucked, by the way! I'm now going to keep it out of spite - hydraulic-disc-brake-aesthetic spite.

Next up on the radar, the Death By Hills ride. It should be one of the "5 Monuments of St. Louis Cycling", much in the same way that There are the 5 monuments of cycling over in Europe. The only difference is that this one includes chest hair and probably some death metal. Well, at least there will be both of those in my car on the way over. Life without death metal would be like being the President of The National Yogurt Association - weak as fuck. Which is the opposite of Pro As Fuck, or "PAF." (Or in DaveyB's case, STLPAF.)

These are the only new year's resolutions you need to worry about: Listen to death metal, ride Death By Hills, and donate to the SSTF.

End Transmission
-Casey F. Ryback

P.S. Oh yeah, and also ride Cedar Cross. It's gonna be more fun than beating Criss Angel to death with a 3 foot long dildo, while he's levitating.

World Domination In Progress

Jerk Squad Expands by One!

Tuesday in Iron County

Four men plotted, four men planned, four men decided it would be a sin to stay indoors on an unseasonably warm (71 degrees Fahrenheit) January day such as it was Tuesday. It was at once decided that life in the city would be abandoned immediately - if not sooner - and a new life would be forged in Iron County. Late-nite black-ops style communications (morse code via text msg) within the team produced a group of 4 bad-ass dudes containing availability to gobble up some OT single track.

Arriving in the Mark Twain Forest at a leisurely 10:30am were Nadly Snurb, Orin Boyd, Pizza-Time Gonzales, and your Author Slo-Poke Rodriguez.  After suiting up, we were faced with a really big decision,  left or right?  

Wholly shit, you gotta git right to get left... you got that right! We were chosen to ride the North Trace. Soon we began to take in all the familiar sights this bad-ass trail has to offer:

In addition we found raijin' downhills, technical switchback climbs and seemingly dozens of crossings of the Trace Creek.

Our group left the DD/32 trailhead aboard some extremely sweet Kona hardtail 29ers, some made from steel and some from scandium. This included Pizza Time's brand new Kona Honzo.  You can tell which one is his...Canadian Pink Handlebars???

We rolled along, crushing 30+ miles of technical singletrack under bluebird skies.  Could it really have still been January?

Obviously, having to drive two hours from our city to the trailhead really stinks.  It is fun to try and  pass the time with poignant conversation; it is even more fun to keep an eye open to the wonders of Missouri.  Seen through the windshield today was this magnificent motor vehicle:

Lets have a closer look...neat slogan on ur ride there Jethro! 

Aww dang fella.  Come on in a wee bit closer and check out the sticker I puts on me battery!  

Also seen through today's windshield was this Jeep Liberty with a custom rear tire cover / home business advertisement:

Unfortunately, Denise, the owner of the Liberty, was kind of driving like an "ass," and a close[er]-up photo of her spare tire was unobtainable.   Don't worry, I can tell you about Miss Denise's company because I saw the spare tire advertisement up close and it is something I shall nevOr forget.  No shit, Old Gurl slings Miniature Donkeys.  Below is a photo of the finest Miniature Donkey available on her website:  

For your consideration, The Detonator:  

Ohhh mama, unfortunately this is all the time we have for today, which was a very good day. Thanks again for stopping by, hope to see all you guise out at the fourth annual Death by Hills ride as shown below.

-Nico Toscani