Queeny Park Foolishness!

Greetings Team Seagal fanboi's! It's been a while since I've been able to bring you a report. But alas, I've been out of the country on sabbatical, working with the street children in Zambia, helping to further the research of that country's main export - lung butter.

That doesn't mean that in the meantime, we here at Team Seagal HQ have been sitting on our hands. CX recon, Chorbb Monday's, riding the OT, and yes - mixing it up at the front of Missouri CX races. It never stops around here. We've been as busy as Criss Angel is gay, and that's pretty damn busy.

Last weekend was the highly anticipated Halloween CX double-header. And we put the "debauchery" in "highly anticipated Halloween CX double header." So there I was, 4 episodes into a lengthy Matlock marathon, when I figured a sure-fire way to get a ridiculous costume. One trip to the St. Vincent dePaul Thrift Store and $15 later, and I was the owner of a pretty wedding dress. Part of the fun with that dress was coming up with stories behind all the different stains. Let's face it though - what kind of gayz0rz jibroney would not dress up for a night race on Halloween weekend?

For the night race, the park rangers allowed the course to cross over the bike path and stretch down to the beach, which is where the real tomfoolery happened. A few dudes figured out that skirting the edge of the water wasn't a bad way to get through, as long as they avoided the fish that stunk like a wooly mammoth's dick stuck in petrified shit.

Two Peat Henry's!


Nice thighs.


Even good buddy Scotty Peipert had his mind on one thing during that race, getting smelly fish bucks and riding the grassy step-up. Nice fucking work. Between him, Ray Mysterio, ET and Elliot, Dawg the Bounty Hunter, all the PBR we were putting down our throat-holes, and of course "Fat Boy" who had to lift his fat boy nuts up and onto the saddle each time he remounted, we were having more fun than Buddy has when DQ'ing riders.

Last week's ridiculousness behind us, I was particularly excited to return to Queeny Park, as the last time we were there, it was a truly "Belgian" experience. There were even Trappist Monks brewing beer that day. This time the weather was going to be as it has been this entire CX season - warm, dry, and dusty. So instead of conditions being the main attraction, it was going to be all about the course, which we (the Bubba crew) had carefully constructed (within the paramaters set by the Park Ranger) to be a welcome change from almost everything that we'd seen so far this year. A course that would favor both mountain bikes and CX bikes. And uphill start that send the man-train down the horse trail, uphill barriers, and then slaloming down the field before entering into the woods where you could really hold off your opponents with finely-honed bike handling. A series of slight bottlenecks, dusty turns, and rooty sections would see to that. Finally, you would dump out onto the pavement and start climbing where your better option would have been to ritualistically kill yourself by disembowelment, rather than face the slight headwind that greated you as you approached the summit. And if you avoided the thorns that were prevalent out there, you had a chance at another lap.

I lined up on the SS start line with a rather large field, though we were missing a couple of Mesa Jerks who were out in Moab being sonsabitches. I found myself next to our own Forrest Taft, Masson Storm, Stoveward P. Stovington, and Ginz0rz. As usual, I was at max heartrate before getting clipped in. As our train of dudes choo-choo'd down the first doubletrack, I quickly found my place as the caboose with Masson and a relative newcomer to the StL scene, Dwayne, who, as it turns out, is what he eats, and he only eats jerky.

The three of us were keeping a very high pace together for maybe two laps, before I decided that I had been demoralized by the Tropical Storm as he hammered passed me on the final straight too many times, and I started to peel off the back like dead skin off of Zombie Elvis. Masson's climbing prowess surprised me, as he is not a beanpole by any means. My theory is from when he regaled me with a tale of his half-hour long morning constitutional that morning, where he nearly achieved liftoff. I believe that he was left nearly hollow inside, thus significantyly reducing his weight and making for an incredible power-to-weight ratio. He and Dwayne rode off without me. Probably for the best, as I was clearly not anywhere near a superior state of mind, exemplified by my endo over the first barrier. I later flatted as I started the next lap, which ended my involvement in that race. At least I wasn't the only one to eat shit during that race.

That was all find and dandy, as I was able to get a headstart on spectator debauchery. After walking the course and fixing some course tape, I joined forces with the rest of the Team Seagal Wrecking Crew, which also included Jerkward and Lawman and we proceeded to give B and A racers the needed motivation to ride the U-Turn at the end of the two-way straightaway in the woods as fast as possible.

We must have made plenty of noise, as we were soon joined by an estrogen-heavy contingent of hecklers including Carrie Cash, Ms. Braddock, and company. With our powers combined, we were the loudest thing in Queeny Park. Former Ray Mysterio managed a ball-buck, or "crotch-preem" from Lawman's pants, and later got my "mouth-buck." Scooter attempted valiantly to snatch the beer from the tree, though it was tight, and ended up in the woods. No matter, Casey Saunders may or may not have got a $5 bill/PBR combo using that same can.

The real excitement came from watching Butthead, Devin and Professor unhitch all other man-cars, and train around the course in a most mind-blowing fashion. Before long, it broke down to just Professor and Josh, which made for an epic battle all the way up until the last uphill finish straight - and since Dan actually breaths helium, he managed to pull away for the win! Shades of last year's experience at Mt. Pleasant Winery, for sure!






We should consider ourselves to be pretty lucky, as we this weather was uh-mazing. The only thing more amazing is this music video, which can't be embedded, so click the link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hYtUYiuzkw
Yep, those Village People.

There are many things to look forward to the rest of this season, so stop whining, and be fucking ready.

I've missed you,
-Casey Fucking Ryback


Thanks for the photos, EvilleMike!

Election Day Special-the results are in: Middlefork Still Rules!

Greetings fellow Team Seagal loyalists. Tuesday was a monumental day, for it marked the final day of heinous political ads that seemed to be everywhere--I mean, when you can't plug into Pandora(that one's for you Robort), or log onto a website without seeing the crap, something's got to give. So, when election day rolled around, I needed to vote. What was I, Jack Taggart to do on this day?

-1- Get up early, stand in line at the polls, and be late for work. Or,

-2- Plea for the day off, and go ride singletrack in the morning and early afternoon.

Faster than you can mutter the words 'dangling chad', Decision '10 was made: Thanks to a miracle at the workplace, I was headed to the DD parking lot early Tuesday to meet Nico Toscani, Mason Storm, our good buddy Josh, and whomever else chose to not flip between Wolf Blitzer and the 'What Not to Wear' marathon on Lifetime.

Upon my arrival it was immediately apparent that this ride would be no Tea Party, as John Matthews, along with Steve and his buddy Dave would make this ride a race:

Soon, Nico, Mason and Josh arrived and we began to get our minds, bikes, bodies, and most importantly t'aints ready for the epic journey that awaited. Nico Toscani, of course, was born ready:

Here, Mason goes thru his traditional pre-ride calisthenics routine, much to the amazement of Steve

Shortly thereafter, we were off to taste some of the sweetest singletrack around, at what is arguably the best time of the year to do so. There would be minimal 'mud-slinging', as the creeks were running but the trail was stellar! There were also no pollsters, posters, incumbents, or recumbents. About a mile into the ride my bike started sounding a bit crunchy--a quick chain fix and I was off again--for about a mile. Upon climbing the first significant stretch I realized I had a rear flat and yelled ahead. Steve heard me and waited at the top. That's when I realized I had a cut sidewall, which gave me the opportunity to use my:

http://www.genuineinnovations.com/bicycle/accessories/tubeless-tire-repair-kit.html.

Having used these on a customer's bike and knowing that J. Bock has had success with them, I knew they worked, but this was my first time trying them in the field. Steve watched in horror as I performed surgery with my sidewall with a strip of vulcanizing rubber and the world's smallest screwdriver. I prayed to Energor that my rash of mechanical misfortune would not cut my ride short, and a few descents later I was a believer-the tire was holding air and I was back fighting. Now the ride was kicking into full gear:

Steve, Josh and Dave

Steve shredding
Matthews
Nico and his Lynskey
Dave and his blaze-orange Vassago

Josh Picker

Tropical Storm Mason salutes the camera

Here is where my camera ejected my batteries for the forth time, prompting me to shove them back in and try to catch up. I must have put them in upside down or something for I was not able to later catch the moment at which Mason did a 'slow-speed endo', catching the attention of 'the governors'. Still, this assault on this amazing trail thru Missouri would stay the course, following the route of the MFXC campaign held earlier this year--and though the locals(as well as their dogs) must have all been out at the polls, we still were treated to some magnificent scenery along the fire roads-the leaves on the trees are on fire right now. We forged ahead, past the cemetery and the burned homestead, up the muthafucka gravel climb, and beyond until the last stretch of singletrack was chewed up and spat out and we all emerged victorious. I had to skip the victory party at Dos Primos, but I can only imagine how the car smelled on the ride back--one thing is for sure: this trail is superb right now and I would highly recommend making the trip. Until next time, I leave you with photographic evidence that I did not fake a flat, and that these tire plugs are the shit!! I also will guarantee that it will not be 2 more years until I make this journey. I am Jack Taggart, I am a Jerk, and I approved this blogpost.

Burnin, BT Epic, and CXMAS!

Good day loyal Team Seagal followers. It's been a long time with no post here, and at Team Seagal HQ we are very appreciative of your patience. Besides we know no matter how much we are jerks to you, you'll keep coming back for more. More coarch crotchiness, more toscani jerkiness, more of lawman's deafening "enthusiasm", and more free delicious Pabst! Yes being a Team Seagal follower is being a part of one giant dysfunctional relationship. Your welcome.

Anyway... apparently packing, moving, and unpacking the world's most valuable collection of jenkem jars is quite an intensive undertaking, and has left our very own Coach CFR unable to find the time to type the beautiful* poetry that is the typical Team Seagal post.
*Beautiful in the sense of an elephant giving birth. Yes it's the miracle of new life, but did I have to see that while attempting to eat my cheerios. (And isn't it amazing that listening to a LIVE song isn't the worst thing you experienced in the last 2 minutes)

Burnin:
STL's claimed to be most pro of pro embraced his inner slowness and gayness and took the Mesa crew up to first in the SS division. Nico crushed out his trademark 7, all solo and single. Sasha amazed us all fighting to the end. CFR, Gino, and special guest Christian Stitz took third in SS. Just don't ask Coach about that last climb up to the campground (unless he just pissed you off and you want to make him feel bad). Several people got lost attempting to navigate away from the power of the PBR kegs. If you would ever like to take a tour of Council Bluff's mysterious lost roads seek out the guidance of this guy or this guy. You'll need at least one case of beer to get them ready.

BT Epic:
Damn that was one hot and dusty race! Nico snapped many a wrist on his way to second place in SS. That is all.

CXMAS:
CXMAS will be back this year. Keep an eye on the CXMAS blog in the coming weeks to get the lowdown. Those of you who did the MFXC nonrace know how things are pretty much going to work from now on. This is the last time CXMAS 2010 will be mentioned on this blog. If your friends missed this post, don't leave em hanging. Let them know where to find out more. No whining about forgetting the CXMAS blog address after this post goes away. You've got a bookmark feature on your browser... use it.

Something Burnin' This Way Comes

As Burnin' at the Bluff nears, and the thought of heated battle enters into my brain, all I can think about is how I am hungry - for victory. The competition will be hot, and my loins will be hotter. Think not about tubular tires and embrocation, but rather tubeless tires and the climb that ends the lap. So in the meantime, please join us in the euphoria by reminiscing about times past.





































See you jerks this Saturday, and prepare your t'aints.

-Casey Fucking Ryback

P.S. And if your name is Scott Piepert, then I/we support pre-race binge drinking. Don't forget to put like 10 down each night. Seriously.