Dirt Crit #3 Recap - Holy Geez

*****BEFORE READING - COME TO OUR SECOND ANNUAL "CHUBB CHALLENGE" THIS SUNDAY - SEE PREVIOUS POST, AND THANK ME LATER*****

Now down to business. Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fan! Another Thursday has come and gone, and that means another expedition deep into the Pain Cave. Just when you think that you've explored every nook and cranny of that cave, another race comes along that leads you into a whole new chamber of pain. Yeah - a Chamber of Pain, or C.O.P. This was one of those races. This was also one of those races that saw a lot of badass first-timers mixing it up and snapping some wrists on a freshly laid-out course, courtesy of Schuck.

Between the creek crossing, the super high intensity of the racing, and the extra-slick surface of the grass from the light rain we had, there were skulls being smashed all over the course, and many racers begging the armed park ranger to put them out of their misery. Well, that is slightly stretching the truth, but only slightly.

The order came down from HQ that two of our soldiers be sent to the front lines of the A-Race to enter into glorious battle. Gino Felino, and also the good Dr. Wesley McLaren, who was making his 2009 Dirt Crit debut. Doctor nearly did not make his debut, instead choosing to be fashionably late. (If fashion were based on one's lack of punctuality, our good Doctor would be Calvin fucking Klein.) Doctor also needed some drivetrain swapping, which I was able to take care of while he proceeded to change and get registered. I soon found out though that something was missing. A crucial part - his quick release skewer. Fortunately, being the Patron Saint of Resourcesfulness that I am, I scavanged a QR skewer from my own race bike. I'm also the Mechanic Monarch, and his last-minute rebuild carried Doctor all the way through the race, and into infamy.

Gino, coming in SECOND in the A Race on his SINGLESPEED, BITCHES! It's actually more like first, when you understand that Chris is pretty much untouchable. (Anyone talked with Pirtle, lately? Perhaps give him some competition?)
Doctor, finishing off any survivors left behind by Gino's blitzkrieg:
An Eastor Bike was spotted on course, as well - with a massive gear that can only be ridden well with muthuh fuckin' Kankle Power:

Next up was the B Race, and it was solely up to me, Casey F. Ryback, to snap wrists in this category. Once I was able to safely attached my rear wheel to my bike again, I ran to the line just in time for the opening sprint through the field. Speaking of, I would like to know what was going on in the head of the guy who nearly took out like 5 people as he recklessly zig-zagged his way through the opening sprint at twice the speed of everyone else, only to "tokyo-drift" through the first corner, one-foot-unclipped style. Didn't even get the hole shot, and *could* have safely passed all those people into whom he risked sliding, on the first open straightaway. Was that a show for the crowd, or his idea of getting to the front? Great tactics during a training race, especially since he's a strong enough rider that he was so far off the front of anyone else, that he wasn't even in sight.

With that opening ridiculousness out of the way, my thoughts turned to destruction, and lots of it. I managed to stay upright the entire time, and only had to dismount at the creek once when people ahead of me popped it into granny to climb out, which then lead to lots of fail. Don't know the official results just yet, but I believe I've cracked the top ten. Baller. It would have been moar baller though had I been able to re-pass Peat, since he passed me while still be able to speak, no problem. I don't remember what he said, but I'm pretty sure it was something like "I'm a huge jerkface that goes super fast even though you wouldn't guess it from looking at me!"


Former TC Man man, Andy, also making his 2009 Dirt Crit debut:


Poor bastard:


1st and 2nd place (thanks laura for the photo)

Seen in the parking lot - Robort's dream van, despite being without "Save Me" windows (thank you Ms. Ryback for that phrase):

(not pictured: the mind-blowingly sweet colored lights that went along the roof and wheel wells)


My reaction was like this when hearing that Gino had wrist-snapped his way into 2nd place:

See you jerks Sunday.

Backdoor no babies,
-Casey F. Ryback

It's Here Folks!

The 2009 Team Seagal Non-race calendar is out.

First up this coming Sunday 7/19 is the 2nd Annual Chubb Challenge. Get some sticky rubber on your bike (this kind, not this kind) and come out and see who else has trouble cleanly clearing that section of trail that is your nemesis. Be humbled and amazed at what some of the riders can do, and see that line you never thought of.

Hang out on the trail with us for a few hours and have some fun. No high HRs, and snapped wrists only by request. Afterwards stick around for grilled food stuffs and some delicious PBR.

Start Time 12pm

Location West Tyson Upper parking lot

How Much?! FREE, but please feel free to donate $1 to help me cover our coveted spokecard cost.

. Disclaimer* All Non-Races are determined/governed/subject to the weather. We won't hold it if it's crappy and/or muddy. Dates subject to change, so pay attention.

Check out the back side of the schedule flyer for brief description of what a non-race is.

Stay tuned for reports of STL Team Seagal conquests from the Cheese State.

Dirt Crit #2

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fan. (Holy shit, we have fans.) Another furious and fabulous Dirt Crit in the books. Furious because of the rick-deez-ulous competition going on, and Fabulous because of the high quality of production from all those working with the man, the myth, the mother fucker who will be in Colorado riding his damn bike all the way up until the night before next week's dirt crit - Pfoodman. (Jealousy can spawn cursing. Bastard.)

The order came from the Team Seagal War Room, located deep within Mount Energor that has air filters in case of the dreaded jenkem attack from CFR; the order being to dispatch 3 worthy soldiers and one honorary soldier to tonight's race. And it was so.

Gino was our lone soldier valiantly smashing dreams and tearing souls apart in the A Class. Unfortunately for him, Buddy read off new USAC (hehehe, you sack) rules prior to the starting gun. These rules stated that it is now illegal to use "Wildey" in a race, mainly because "it makes a real mess:"

So without the use of Wildey, Gino was to rely simply on his finely-tuned wrist-snapping abilities. No problem. A shot of Gino at the height of demonification:

That bike behind him is actually leaning against a recently-dispatched racer-corpse that he left to rot in the sun. No time to stop and clean up the mess. (thanks to stlbiking "Rob" for this photo)

Once the A field was laid to waste, it was time to unleash the fury upon the B Race, a task that was set to two soldiers due to the sheer size of the B field (a size that could be evened out with the A race by having some of the top repeat-B racers cat up where they belong...) So it was set, the Great Puncher of Cocks and myself, Casey F. Ryback were strategically placed within the B-field ranks in places that would allow for the most amount of death and destruction to be wreaked.

My mind was set for destruction, after a long, heavy day of paying my respects to the soon-to-be-closed TC Man. Many a day was spent there, and today was spent grilling delicious tubular meats, cleaning my bikes, and playing a few holes of TC Man Golf. The high point of the day being when some hopeless 20 year old came in asking if they were hiring, only to find all four TC Man Golfers unable to hold in their laughter since the place is only going to be open for 2 more days. We considered hiring him for 2 days simply to clean the toilet and de-stink-ify the bathroom that has endured 20+ years of domination that I can't even imagine. It shall be missed, in the same way you miss your beloved shitbox of a first car from high school.

So back to the B Race. Guest Badass Mark Laytham sent us off in a flurry of slipped pedals and poorly-executed heavy-torque upshifts. Guns were a'blazin' as we formed quite the man-train in a counter-clockwise fashion towards the dreaded creek crossing. As we progressed through the creek, surveillance photos were taken of our heros:

Peat narrowly escaped an untimely fate here.


'Puncher was given specific instructions not to, ahem, "dispatch" with this fellow racer, as he is actually a friend of mine from 'way back competing in his first(?) race. So instead he decided to blow his mind by showing him the most badass-looking kit and badass-performing bike on course (same as Gino) - the Muthuh Fucking Big Unit.

Demonstrating how to "look where you want to go, not where you don't want to go"

(thanks to Ms. Ryback for these last three pics)

Of course, this awesome race series is just as much about being able to be out socializing with fellow badasses as it is about racing, and therefore afterwards there was much in the way of beer-swizzling and watching and then laughing as 1/2 of Team Trail Monster pulled a hardcore-wheelie-turned-hilarious wheelie across the finish line, only to land straight on his backside, thus destroying the saddle. Fantastic.

If only there was moar sunlight. Oh well, I'll just take advantage of the poorly-timed caffeinated drink that I consumed after the race to type this race report on my new keyboard:

This totally makes my internets moar baller.


This weekend we are dispatching troops BOTH to Sac River for the Midwest Fat Tire race down there, AND up to Wisconsin to join forces with Team Seagal MKE to participate in the newest installment in the WEMS Series, the Levis/Trow 100:



Me? I'll be living my life as a bike shop employee all weekend. Read an accurate description of that here. So yeah, I won't be in Colorado, Wisconsin, or Springfield. *sniffle*

The "F" is for "fucking,"
-Casey F. Ryback

p.s. - stay tuned for the our up-coming non-race schedule.

A Few Favorites

Yo. It's easy to get very caught up with the future. But from time to time, it's good to remember the shit that brings a smile to your face. Check out a few of my favorite photos from the archives, with which to help spread the crunchy vibes:




I want this to be my driver's license photo:


Dirt Crits Thursday! The only acceptable excuses for not racing is:
-You are doing a 50/100 mile race on Saturday in Wisconsin and need the rest (Nico and Mason)
-You are doing a race elsewhere in the city at the same time, specifically at Penrose Park
-You broke your entire body at last week's Dirt Crits
-You are Steven Seagal himself

Otherwise, be there or be L7.

-Casey F. Ryback

Rain Check

After looking at the weather in Potosi for Friday(rain), and then moar rain in the forecast for today(Sat) I am going to have to pull the plug on the Middlefork ride. I also got word from our good buddies TTM that the condition of the trail is still unconfirmed below Barton Fen. We will do this ride when conditions are better, and the trail has had some moar recon. Have a great 4th everyone and make sure you blow tons of shit up!
Storm

Dirt Crit #1, initial recap

Greetings to all Team Seagal Fans, and high praise to all who participated. I just wanted to briefly share a photo that was actually taken of my mind during my time in the B Race tonight. For roughly 35 minutes, this depicts quite accurately what was going on in my mind, muscles, and central nervous system (pain, mayhem, chaos):


If this photo offends you, our lawyers have informed us to advise that you do not look at it.

Actual photos to come, I'm sure. Huge, badass turnout. Also, my idea to race an old vintage bike that is old-as-dirt seems to be wearing off on others - there were at least 2 or 3 other old, stupid bikes. There was also an fairly sizable number of spectators! Thanks to all involved, and sorry about all those snapped wrists that were left on the trail.

Middlefork this Sunday. See previous post!

-Casey F. Ryback

EDIT: Actually overheard by Gino after the C race from one racer to another: "I'd shake your hand but I just threw up on it."

Slowest Middlefork Ever!

Listen up Team Seagal fan, Forrest Taft and Myself(TSM) will be leaving the Middlefork parking lot at 8am this Sunday July 5 to embark on what will most likely go down in history as the slowest Middlefork loop ever....Why would we do this you ask, well it has come to my attention recently that many MTB'ers have been very scared of what this trail may or may not do to them whilst attempting it . We will make this a no drop group ride, and I will make sure to wait at all major turns/trailheads to wait for the stragglers. We will have a few maps for those that feel better if in case they need to bail. This trail is awesome, and make sure you bring enough water, food, tubes, chain-links, chinese herbs, etc. to complete your journey!

DISCLAIMER: I need to be back in STL by 4pm, so that gives us 5 1/2hrs to complete the 33mi loop. If you can't keep a 6-7mph pace you may want a back-up plan as I will not be responsible for anyone other than myself!

Storm

Midwest Singlespeed Ra... Er... I mean, spontaneous group ride

Greetings, Loyal Team Seagal Fans, teammates, and jerks. This is an exciting time of the season for a mountain biker. The races are starting to come in a more regular frequency, and there are still plenty left for which to get hot and bothered. I know a lot of people are thinking about how little they've been able to race in the dirt this year, (for numerous reasons) but I also know that this weekend's race, I mean, spontaneous group ride, was the cure for that bullshit.

We heard a few whispers of some sort of organized, non-sanctioned, no-entry-fee event to be held in Jeff City back in the early part of the season, like at Lost Valley. Well, it was this Sunday, and you probably missed it, deciding instead to sit at home and watch the news all day, only to find out that the only other interesting thing that happened was that Billy Mays died. It's okay, I actually cried a little bit too at the loss of his magnificent beard. But yeah - you shoulda been at the race, I mean, spontaneous group ride that was loosely organized by those Red Wheel jerks.

Team Seagal HQ deployed a 6-man unit for a full-frontal assault on Binder Lake trails. Recently declassified documents show that 6-man unit to include Mason Storm, Forrest Taft, Cockpuncher, Jonathon Cold, the good Doctor Wesley McLaren, and myself - Casey Ryback. The good Doctor was somewhat hard to reach though, as he has been spending a lot of time out on the greens of the TC Man Golf Course, where there is little in the way of direct communication. I'm told he was on the back nine when he received his deployment orders.

The rest of us extracted ourselves from the places where we woke up, and made the trek over to the trailhead with *just* enough time to get our shit together and line up. (Fortunately for us, no time had to be needlessly spent paying entry fees and registering and getting one-day licenses. Not today.) After teh shortest Le Mans-style start evar, we were man-training through the woods at breakneck speed. I found myself patiently picking dudes off, which was going super well, until I came up behind one Bob Jenkins, who had that look in his eye... you know the look, where a dude is more interested in rasslin' than ridin'. I was like "No thanks Bob, I don't want to wrestle you now, I just want to get past you." He was then like "Okay, maybe I'll just 'rassle with Nick later after the race. I bet I can rip his underpants out..." (Note: dramatization - may not have happened.) I even passed the Doctor as he started to make a wrong turn, which allowed me put a gap that I *somehow* kept the rest of the race/SGR. I finished in 6th place, nearly catching up to our buddy Dan Miller who took 5th by like .34 seconds. (He modestly says that he hasn't been riding the mtb much this year, but I think that his 100% lack of body fat does something to help him go fast regardless.) Drew had a a tough time keeping his chain on - but I think he just has been spending too much time on the geared bike.

Forrest Taft didn't just pop his mountain bike race cherry, he pulled a "Gallagher" on that cherry by crushing the 3 laps, the whole time battling with teammate Jonathon Cold. They crossed the line with Jonathon *narrowly* edging him out for 21st place. If you look at the results, you'll see a 1 second gap between them:

A healthy crowd showed up to cheer on and support the 39 men and women that showed up to competitively ride in this spontaneous group ride. The weather was a HUGE departure from the most recent soul-crushing heatwave. Mid-80s, and a cool breeze filtering through the trees kept everyone super comfortable. The trail was freshly-weed-eated, and in perfect shape. HEAR THAT? NO RAIN, MUD, OR OPPRESSIVE HEAT - SHOULDA BEEN THERE!

It was AFTER the race/SGR that the real action started, though. When you take a bunch of tired/hungry mountain bikers, add PBR and 40's, add BBQ, mix with good company, and you have a great time on your hands. And a lot of homo-erotic grab-ass. Some crappy pictures I snapped off:

This group of geniuses was on their way to cram 5 people into one crap-filled inflato-rowboat:
Some of that grab-ass I was referring to, where Bob ripped Nicks underpants:
Farinella juicin' 40's with Nick:
Nick's ass, with a Gorbachev-esque spatula-shaped mark on his ass:
Future singlespeeder:
I'm the lyrical gangsta, and Mason was the "crunk" gangsta, and slept the whole way home:
"You want some food, Mason?"
*barely audible* "burger n fries"

Something worth mentioning that wasn't captured on film: Doctor getting tea-bagged. Not by choice.


Things that are happening this week: Dirt Crit #1 and a Middlefork ride next Sunday! Stay tuned, because you are invited to BOTH. Seriously, dude - you can even invite your grandma, who is probably looking for some excitement anyway, which is why she was in Hawaii:

-Casey F. Ryback

BE AT BINDER LAKE, JEFF CITY, SUNDAY AT NOON

We interrupt your scheduled ogling of Tropical Storm Mason's gorgeous Kona Major One (one of the first in existence, I might add) to bring you this exclusive interview with "Clubber" Lang, played by the notoriously-badass Mr. T. We send an correspondent to ask him about this Sunday's Singlespeed race, to be held at Binder Lake in Jeff City. The correspondent, though, has this thing though where he calls races "fights." Clubber puts it well:


This Sunday, the Party People at Red Wheels Bicycles are throwing a party, I mean a MIDWEST SINGLESPEED CHAMPIONSHIPS at their beloved trail system at Binder Lake. Come see our very own Forrest Taft get his mountain bike racing cherry popped! He's no stranger to competition though, as he has been busy snapping wrists under the radar this year at Penrose Park on his Kona Paddywagon. Better protect your wrists.

See this poster (found at howtoavoidthebummerlife):


Complaining about a lack of mountain bike races? Tired of those roadie chumps having all the fun of having 2-3 races a week in which to participate? Come to Jeff City on Sunday. Seriously man, what else will you be doing - watching 7th Heaven reruns? You dork...

And after all this fun business at Binder is over with, make sure to remember to show up to the Short Track races every thursday in July! It's all the pain and suffering of CX, only with 90+ degree heat instead of toe-numbing cold. Oh, and no whining roadies show up to the Dirt Crits. Seriously, I'm in terrible shape AND my bike is over 20 years old - but I'll be racing. What's your excuse?

-Casey F. Ryback

First I crush Dr in 9 holes at TCman, then I get to ride the shit out of my Major One, tomorrow is track night, and this Sunday is SSMC at Binder

Holy Shit!

Storm