Out n' Back on The Berryman: the Day Nico and The Dr. became Goscinski's

On Friday the 13th of March there was an exceptional sunrise over Brazil Creek, just outside of Bourbon, MO. As luck would have it, BoneBender was postponed so Dr. Wesley McLaren and I were there to see it. We woke from our tents around 6:15am, the temperature was 19 degrees. Our lights were charged but we wussed on that, instead waiting about a hour for Big Red to fire up the eastern sky. Then we took off. It was 24 degrees and the ground was frozen. We began riding The Berryman Trail east to west, stedialy checking off the miles in a clockwise fashion. 3 hours and 24 minutes later we were half of the way along towards becoming Goscinski's and pretty pleased about it. Back at the campsite for a minute, Dr. and I refueled and took some time to relax. We thought back to the previous evening when we built a fucking huge fire and drank imported Canadian whiskey. We were pleased about that too.





Soon it was time to leave again and somehow the temperature had climbed to 38 degrees. We took off from Brazil Creek for a second Berryman session, this time in a counter-clockwise manner because thats what we think D-Wayne would have told us to do. The ground was no longer frozen but that did not mean muddy bikes because this trail is made from rocks.

Things went quite well, the Dr. and I offically became Goscinski's 3 hours and 32 minutes later when we returned to the campsite and decided to quit riding for the day. Lap two took a bit longer because Dr. got a flat, my headset came loose, and somewhere between the artisan well and The Berryman Campground we actually ran into a outlaw band of Zambian Street Children. They detained us when we stopped to inspect what was the most peculiar of trail droppings:



The Street Children were quite protective of the white turd, collecting it and then ushering us quickly out of the vicinity with assurances that everything was "under control," that "Mr. Leroy will be back soon." Pretty weird.

Tomorrow is Saturday 3/14, The Dr. and I are going out to Lost Valley in the morning for some race recon. We will be leaving the mound at 9am, you should meet us there if you want. Some other guys are going out to conquer The Middlefork. Whatever you choose, go out there and get a BoneBender's worth of activity in you.

Good Day,

Nico Toscani

Two hands on the keyboard Team Seagal Fan!

Behold the 2009 Team Seagal Kit!



We might not be as fast as Furby says he is, but we will certainly look more PRO than his ass!
-Storm

'Spent Two Days Down South on HWY-DD

Buenos tardes amigo, Hola my good friend. Nico Toscani here everybody. March in the Belgian beer capital of the world can be tricky to figure out. Because we're lucky (as we can be sometimes), or just handy with the Yak Semen, a most excellent weather window began to take shape directly in the middle of this work week. Wednesday and Thursday promised an un-seasonly break from winterly conditions and I was uniquely positioned to take full-advantage of both days.

Wednesday was the sloppier day by far. A fine group of comrades gathered to trade battle secrets in a Team Seagal / Mesa Cycles combo assault on the venerable Council Bluff Trail, found directly off of HWY DD in south-eastern Missouri. The 12+ mile loop is famously impervious to all varietals of moisture no matter which is on the forecast...so we all thought until yesterday. Early Spring thaw produced a rather tender situation on a good portion of this otherwise supremely buff trail. If riding clockwise ala Rim Wrecker, you will find the 4+ mile section of trail stretching from the Enough Boat Launch Site to the footbridge intersecting the Trace Creek / MiddleFork Spur offensive in many ways. Trail surface that belongs on the trail is deposited all over your bicycle and person when you ride this section. There are big rocks that get in the way and if Furby was there he'd probably be bad-mouthing you or making you look at pictures of his mini-hearse. Despite this, two bad-ass Rim-Wrecker laps were crushed with fury. Crushing of items continued when we stopped at Dos Primos afterwards and saw "Enchiladas YoLandas" written on the weekly specials board. Holy-Shit. After dinner, Coach took a pen from his pocket and began to draw on the top of his white styrofoam to-go box. Among other things, a male stick-figure with breasts appeared from the pen in his hand - this signaled the appropriate departure time for the Mesa Crew. 4+ hours spent in the car, 25 or so off-road miles done and done.

Thursday was cloudier but warmer and so much nicer overall. The home office of Wesley McLaren, M.D. was the first stop of the day, it was less then 9:00am when we departed together for a certain small gravel lot located near the the intersection of HWY DD and 32 in South-Eastern Missouri. We suited up and took off on the fantastic MiddleFork Section of the Ozark Trail. The temperature was 58 degrees or so when we left the car, it was well before high-noon. The Dr. and I found terrific trail conditions and proceeded to treat all climbs and descents encountered like our very own tiny fe-male dogs. We rode approx 20 miles out on MiddleFork to the big creek and turned around and rode back. I kept a totally steady pace that stayed well south of bonkville. The Dr. tested his race engines and crushed it both directions. Here are the photos documenting today, Thursday March 5, 2009 which included 5,000 feet of climbing and another 4+ hours in the car.












Thanks for stopping by, we hope to see you all again real soon.

-Nico Toscani

This Week in Seagal Riding

Greetings, Loyal Team Seagal Fans and Jerks. And by Jerks, I'm referring to Eddie, Boz, Furby, and Assy-McJerkerson.

Actually, before I tell you about our badass riding, check out the newly established blog for our much-ballyhooed Team Seagal Milwaukee (MKE) Chapter!
http://teamseagalmke.blogspot.com/

This wednesday should be a good day, specifically a good day in which to ride around Council Bluff (NOT PLURAL!) The last week has seen a couple of assaults on the Council Bluff fortress, both being 100% victorious, unlike the French Maginot Line. Looking to build on that success, you should be able to find myself, Drew, the Boston Bling, and Mr. Albert down there again doin' Rim Wrecker training; shooting for 3 laps. Me with my new spring up front should have much less discomfort. You're only invited if you are extreme. And by extreme, I mean Mountain Dew Extreme:


In other ride news, Wild Trak Bikes in Alton, IL are hosting their yearly big training ride. (ROUTE) Something like 80+ miles of some pretty hilly business. I know we're supposed to stay the hell out of Illinois, but we figure that since we're under escort, we're good to go. You should come along, the pace is supposed to be "casual." 11AM this Sunday.


This commercial is also awesorme, for three reasons: 1) It's another Extreme Mountain Dew Commercial. Those are awesorme. 2) It's got Robort's name written all over it. 3) At 00:14 sec it has this girl on rollerblades (not extreme) being towed over the roof of a building by a HELICOPTER and ramping from rooftop to rooftop. (Very Extreme.)


FYI, the Pink Floyd song "Dogs" from their under-rated album "Animals" (possibly my favorite PF song) draws an AMAZINGLY poignant parallel to the whole Bernie Madoff scandal. You should listen to it ASAP.



Just thought you'd like to know.

-Casey F. Ryback

***EDIT*** Mitch the Masher, being someone who has had his pain-glands removed, has concocted another Death By Hills ride. It's longer and harder. It would be a full century.

http://www.mapmyride.com/route/us/mo/ballwin/745863993727

Quick Council Bluff Recap

In light of some developments in the works for this weekend, I thought I would briefly enlighten our readers as to the conditions of our favorite all-around trail, Council Bluff.

I journeyed to the Boston Bling's Party House early Wed morning to go with he and DrewB in DrewB's Party Wagon, with plans to meat Mr. Albert for some fun hill-biking. And boy, did we go up some hills. 1.4 laps later for Mr. Albert, 2 laps later for myself and DrewBalls, and 3 laps later for OrangeSunglasses, we were sore, tired, not terribly dirty, and craving a Mexican. More specifically, a Mexican dinner. (They were also more enlightened as to the existence of "Leroy Jenkems" by this point.) I think it should be noted that this is the first Council Bluff trip that has NOT included Dos Primos in... I can't remember. Instead, the Party Wagon hads its course set on Los Portales, in Hillsboro. The food was at least on par with Dos Primos, no doubt about it! Also, the Mexican beer specials flowed like wine, and the beautiful women flocked like the salmon of Capistrano. Unfortunately for Los Portales, the Ace up the sleeve for Dos Primos is excellent proximity to Council Bluff.

Our next stop was DQ, where we nearly had to... do "bad things" involving a funnel to the cashier who thought he screwed up my blizzard. He's was like an earthworm when a comet nearly collides with earth - completely oblivious to how close it came to being destroyed.

Anyway, the trail. It was in fantastic shape. Two of the usual mud spots between the bridge at the OT connector and the fire-road climb, and a handful of soft (not sloppy) spots on the shady areas on north slopes. It was aided by a thermometer reading of 70 degrees, and the Sun. Not to rub it in, but I had sweat dripping down my face, and I may have gotten a little burn on my arms! The rest of the trail (97%) was in perfect shape with some extra leaves.

Depending on if it gets any rain, (which as of Thursday 26th at 1:30, it doesn't appear to have) it should be only getting better. This weekend or maybe next week should be good to go, so if you get the time, gather your shit up and go practice your Rim Wrecker laps. You might try to add to your Rim Wrecker training by bringing a life-sized poster of Furby and setting it somewhere alongside the trail, and on each lap, crop-dust the shit out of him. HAHA!

Finally, I would like to pass on a book recommendation that was suggested to me by Robort:


-Casey F. Ryback

2009 Sponsors! SWEET

Greetings Rabid Team Seagal Fan! This off-season has been a busy one for us. In between climbing hills, snow-biking, and opening new Official Chapters "Up Nor't," we have also managed to acquire a few more badass sponsors! It looks like we'll be riding the D9 Bulldozer to the best year yet: 2009. Holy Shit.

This year we are still flying the flag high for the same sponsors that we had this past year:

Pabst Blue Ribbon - Our favorite non-pretentious beer to drink, and it's even better with friends! Big thanks to our rep, Dave, for being nothing but supportive of all of our endeavors!

The Hub Bike Shop - Truly, one of the most knowledgeable shops in town. Road bike, mountain bike, they ride 'em and they know 'em.

Kona Bikes - Manufacturer of what has gotta be the coolest, highest-performing mountain bikea out there. Oh yeah, they make a pretty slick CX bike too... ***cough 2008 National Champ cough cough*** Check out The Hub Bicycles to find out more info about Kona Bikes!


"But Casey! I already know how badass and heinously-awesome those guys are, but what are these news guys you're talking about?!?! Quickly!!!" Geez, man - take some lithium and cool yer jets. Starting this year, you'll be seeing these guys on our jerseys:

Velocity Wheels and Rims - Some of us have already been using these rims and wheels, and can already vouch for their baller'tude. Purpose built, and in any color you want - including $$$GOLD$$$!

Cory the Bike Fixer - Located in Milwaukee, this excellent shop will be supporting our Team Seagal Milwaukee (MKE) Chapter, headed up by Shop Ministor.

Stella Blues Restaurant and Bar - This bar in south StL (Morganford and Fyler) will be supporting us this season, and it will also serve as a great place to hold regular super-secret meetings. Eat, drink, and be merry.


All these organizations really do make a lot of things possible for us that wouldn't be otherwise. We really are looking forward to building our relationships with them.


In other news, we had an incredibly fantastic ride on the Pain Train this past Sunday. We had such a good time, and had such a good response, that I'm wanting to do it again sooner than later. I think I'd rather do the original Death By Hills route sooner than the "Version 1.2" that we're working on. I mean shit, it's just more baller. So look for an announcement again in the coming week or two about the next time we try to organize it.

-Casey F. Ryback

Death By Hills, Version 1.2 (planning stage)

Party people in the house, we have more upwards-punishment to deal out to your legs. Now before you go trying to sell some (or all) of your children off in order to afford some uber-light, uber-expensive AX Lightness components to remove all possible weight from your bike in order to help you up the hills faster, realize that this will be in a different area.

Whereas the glorious Death By Hill West County route went through most of the worst hills that St. Louis County has to offer, this will be farther east and south, encompassing the full range of hills that will be found in "mid-West County," South County, Fenton, Valley Park, etc... Generally speaking, we don't think we want to go much farther west than Hwy 141, maybe stretch it up to Ladue Rd briefly, and no farther East than Southwest Hill. I'm (we're) not as familiar with the deeper South County routes, so I'm not sure how far south it would be worth it to venture south.

The hills that we'd potentially see on this route wouldn't be *quite* at the level of things like Huntersford or the Scenic Loop, but they'll still hurt plenty, and would be worth riding in order to familiarize yourself with more-easily-accessible places to hit on your daily rides when training for rides like Syllamo's or the American Mountain Classic.

So right now, we're trying to compile a list of potential "Col's" that would be worth doing. I think Ladue is about the farthest north that we'd want to go. What we have so far:
-Barret Station (between Doughertey Ferry and Big Bend)
-Marshall Road
-the road through the apt complex adjacent to Marshall (Timber Ridge?)
-Rott Rd in Sunset Hills
-West Watson
-Rott Rd.
-West Watson
-"Fabicksberg"
-West Adams (out of Sugar Creek Valley)
-Couch (out of Sugar Creek Valley)
-Carman Rd
-Des Peres Road (from Dougherty Ferry)
-Ladue (headed east approaching 270)
-Warson Road (south away from Litzinger)
-Heinz Rd
-Old Gravois
-Kerth Rd
-Henry Rd
-Old Sulphur Spring
-Lone Elk Park, if possible to safely get to.

We're open to suggestions, if plausible, and legal. If something worthwhile is in South County, let us know. This ride would be on slightly less bike-friendly roads than what we found in West St. Louis County, and would also require more turns. More traffic can be bad for large groups of riders, so we'll need good roads through neighborhoods when possible, and we'll need to go at a time when few people are driving, i.e another Sunday morning. The plus side is that there will be more places to stop for refuel. Again, to have to do excessive re-looping onto the same roads kind of sucks, so if it doesn't work, then so be it.

So as Bruce Dickenson of the metal gods Iron Maiden so gloriously commanded, "Run To The Hills."

-Casey F. Ryback

Death By Hills Ride - ride report

Ho-ly Shit. I would like to compare this ride to the photo shown above. Arnold Schwarzenegger in this photo represents all the dudes who came on this ride - a.k.a. super badass, and now-unstoppable muscles strength. The two little old ladies represent all who did not come - a.k.a. super jealous (and probably horny?)

In between mistaking young boys on bikes for hot chicks, we managed to ride up a few hills. Each hill being a monster in-and-of itself, however when ridden back to back all within the same ride in the middle of February, it equates to very serious business. It was a good thing the lower limit screws on everyone's derailleurs were all adjusted properly... (well, maybe not Mason's.)

The stats:
~83.5 miles
~7500 feet of climbing (according to Nico's Garmin)
-6 hours ride time
-26 notable hills, (most of them being the ones that are typically avoided on group rides)
-20 riders starting out (maybe more? I didn't get an accurate headcount.)
-9 riders finishing
-2 singlespeeds
-1 mountain bike (Keeven, you masochistic SOB)
-0 complaints or whining
-100% success

There were several firsts on this ride. Many people had not done several of these hills, and I had never done the Pro-As-Fuck side-of-the-road-pee-while-straddling-top-tube maneuver. Doctor had never even seen any of these hills, yet snapped each one of them handily, including mighty Cremins Green, which is so steep, that you seriously risk tipping backwards (some of our front wheels were lifting off the ground.)

An interesting thing to mention that I found to be absolutely hilarious was the reaction from various other riders when certain hills came into view. Specifically Babler Forest, Bartizan, Cremins Green, Woodland Meadows, Orville (this one resulted in some rather "negative" comments from Nico, directed specifically towards me...) Amusing during the ride as they were, after the post-ride meal, it briefly looked as though I was at risk of being tied to a tree and having each rider taking turns kicking me directly in the nads.

Fortunately for me, Lone Wolf Coffee had enough food for us to shove through our glycogen windows, and this might have soothed everyone's hatred towards me.

There are 3 things in life that you can count on - death, taxes, and this ride happening again, hopefully when warmer. Very nice work to everyone who showed, especially in the later parts of the ride when were all destroyed with fatigue - everyone who attempted a hill completed that hill. It was a shit ton of fun to have all of these other riders show up to something like this, having had such short notice in the middle of the winter/off-season. Just goes to show you that if you plan it, they will show. Just gotta have something that is interesting! See you at the next one?

-Casey F. Ryback


P.S. Watch this video, brought to our attention by our own Puncher of Cocks.

Steven Seagal Lightning Bolt - watch more funny videos

Death By Hills Ride - It's about to "drop"

I never would have thought that this town had this many suicidal people in it. But after posting this road route yesterday, thinking "it would be cool to try this year," a number of people were interested at attempting to kill themselves by flinging themselves against a hillside alongside us.

So as I type this out a 11PM, I can smell the bacon that my roommate is cooking - yes, fucking bacon at 11PM - and I think to myself "This is going to be fucking awesome." If you finish this, Energor will smile and grant you the status of "Badass;" AND you're face will do this:


So anyway, this was starting out as just 2 or 3 of us going to scope out this route for a future road hill challenge. But lots people jumped at the idea of riding this Sunday, so this piece-a-shit is a go for Sunday. If you want to go, here's the deal:

Where: Lone Wolf Coffee - corner of Kehr's Mill and Clayton Road. Check out the website for details - www.lonewolfcoffecompany.com

When: 9AM, try to be there kinda early so we don't leave late. I'd rather not be still sitting around at 9:30.

Route: See yesterday's post, or download it:
http://www.mapmyride.com/route/us/mo/wildwood/649368124166 Turns out it's about 93 miles total.

Pace: Steady but relaxed, talking pace. There isn't much distance between each hill, so let's take advantage. However, I'd rather it isn't an FBC Full Moon Fiasco pace.

Weather: Looks like a high of 38F.

This route does not go straight out for 4 hours then back for 4 hours - in other words, we should almost always be within *about* an hour of the start point if you need to bail, which some people will. Which is cool. There will also be a handful of gas stations for refuel, i.e. at Six Flags, and Wild Horse Creek/109. That being said, bring plenty of food and water 'cuz this ain't supported! There WILL also be some hills that are done as an out-and-back solely for the sake of going up that hill in paticular, so mentally prepare yourself for a few of those, a'ight? The plus side is that a few of these, like Babler Forest, will be a ball-out descent that allows you to go as fast as you will let yourself.

I must give a disclaimer - Tour de Groundhog was on our agenda, but when huge rides pop up that will have us on the bike for a longer period of time, with little/no driving and no entry fee, sometimes we just have to jump on it. Nevertheless, there WILL be a Seagal presence at TdG (thank you Nico.)

So if you still want to go, start resting now, and show up before 9 this Sunday. I mean really, how often do you get to redline yourself at 4.5 mph?

-Casey. Fucking. Ryback.

Super Mega-Hill Death Route

Here's a list of West County hills (in no particular order) with which to attempt to encompass in an upward-fashion:

-Ries Rd.
-St. Paul - 2 hills
-BA
-Babler State Park -5 possible hills
-Woods Rd.
-Bartizan Dr.
-Melrose (from Hwy 109 to Allenton Rd.)
-Alt Rd - 2 hills going from Hwy 109 into Eureka, though the name changes to Forby
-"Allenton Loop" - 2 hills if CCW
-Highland View
-Fox Mountain (farther back from Highland View, off of Model Realty Rd.)
-Allenton Road
-Scenic Loop Rd., CW
-DeHardt Farms - 5 hills if done out-and-back
-Hardt Rd.
-Rieger
-Ridge Rd. - out-and-back climbing from river up to St. Paul
-Bassett
-Cremins Green
-Babler Trails/Babler Forest
-Ossenfort
-Melrose (from Hwy T up to Ossenfort)
-Glencoe Rd. (goes through Rockwoods)
-Shephard Rd.
-Orville (either direction, preferably Old Eatherton to Shepard)
-Bouquet - 2 hills
-Wild Horse Creek ("Doberman Hill")
-Wild Horse Creek (Ossenfort to Rieger)
-Woodland Meadows (either direction, preferable 100 to Old Manchester)
-Clayton (Streucker to 109)

By my count, a possible 44 significant hills, 45 if you count Melrose from 109 as 2 separate hills.

How possible is this? I haven't mapped it out on mapmyride.com yet, so I don't know exactly how long this is, though I would assume around 70-80 miles. A route that I have put together, attempting to maximize the number of best hills, while minimizing backtracking/doubling-over, and going TOO far out of the way. This starts at Lone Wolf Coffee. I think that another possible starting point could be Castlewood, but that would be a little more remote. I put the hills in bold.

-Head west on Clayton, and turn left onto the bike path. Take this down 109, cross over Hwy 100 on pedestrian bridge, and turn right onto Old Manchester.
-left onto Woods Rd. Descend and turn left up Bartizan, come back down, and continue down Woods.
-left onto bike path and ride south along Hwy 109.
-left up Old State for about .1 mile
-left onto Redtail Hawk Dr
-Then turn/veer left onto Johns Cabin Rd, which is a clockwise loop (Mitch's secret training loop) and will bring you back to Old State.
-Cross 109 at Old State, turn right up Alt Rd.
-Cross over Hwy 44, turn right onto West Main St (in between train tracks.)
-left onto Wengler and start Allenton Loop, going CCW.
-Exit Allenton Loop to the left, go underneath Hwy 44, and climb Allenton Rd.
- right onto Scenic Loop Rd, going opposite direction.
-right, continuing on Allenton Rd.
-left onto Melrose
-right onto Hwy 100
-right onto Woodland Meadows Dr.
-right onto Old Manchester
-right onto Glencoe (through Rockwoods.)
-Go straight up Melrose
-Turn right (again) onto Hwy 100, cross over and turn left and continue on Melrose all the way until it descends to Hwy T.
-Left on T
-Left on Bassett
-Left onto Cremin's Green, out-and-back. Continue up Bassett.
-Left onto Old Manchester
-left onto Bouquet.
-Left onto Ossenfort, cross T, and continue on Ossenfort through flats.
-Continue straight onto Wild Horse Creek
-turn left up Babler Forest as an out-and-back.
-Come back down, and turn right onto Wild Horse Creek, climbing to Rieger.
-Turn left onto Rieger
-left on Pond
-left on BA
-left into Babler. Once in Babler, turn right onto John Cochran Dr (CCW loop), turn right up Theodore Wirth Drive, and left down Guy Park Dr (past the pool). Turn right back up John Cochran Dr, climb up the first hill, and turn left at the bottom of the other side (also John Cochran Dr (be careful on the gravel!) and duck under gate to exit Babler State Park.
-Immediately turn right up Wild Horse Creek Drive (Doberman.)
-Turn right onto Old Eatherton.
-Left onto Orville.
-Right up Shephard.
-Left onto 109 (cross onto bikepath?)
-Left onto Clayton back to Lone Wolf Coffee.

*Option to turn left off of Clayton onto Valley Rd (turns into Strecker), turn right up Kehrs Mill back to Lone Wolf.

Hills that I didn't include: Ries, St. Paul, Ridge, Hardt Rd, Highland View/Fox Mountain, DeHardt Farms, up Ossenfort, up Glencoe Rd, up Rieger.

Would anyone else like to try this, or make suggestions for a better route? This could be made into a road Non-Race, much like the Chubb Challenge, where you get a tally and a spoke card for every hill that you ascend.

-C.F. Ryback

***Edit - This is potentially the hardest road ride that I will have ever done.
- CFR***