Teaser Race Report (Moar to come...)

I don't want to get too in depth here, as we have a wealth of photos that will be shared with you later this week, and then we can do a proper report. So stay tuned, even though I know that your wrists are most likely so snapped from this race, that you can't even operate the mouse to navigate away from this page. You actually probably just pushed the "on" button on your computer with your nub-for-a-hand, and then your computer is set to probably open your internet browser automatically, with your homepage set to the Team Seagal webpage. So now you play the waiting game, unable to do anything about it. Poor bastard.

For those of you that didn't bother showing up (I'm assuming that The View marathon was just too tempting to bother leaving home for an epic race), this is how the lake look this morning:

By the end of the day, this was what each of us looked like:
(The only difference being, he took first.)

It was truly an "ecstatic exhaustion," to quote Heartland Race Promotions.

To tide you over, watch this video, and try not to fall madly in love:


-Casey F. Ryback

Map From Middlefork Trailhead

As I sit here listening to Testament pummel my mind into submission with their furious riffs and gutteral vocals, I envision the inside of my brain morphing into a wrist as it is snapped. It is at that moment that I collapse into a pile, much like... well, I was just about to use an analogy, but it would be really difficult to not make it sound Robort-esque. So I give up. Just know that Testament fucking rocks.

Instead, today I come bearing a gift! Don't say I/we never gave you anything.



This map is located on the bulletin board at the tiny gravel parking lot at the intersection of 32 and DD, literally just 3 miles down the road from the entrance to Council Bluff. It's not a topographical map, but it does show nearly everything from highways to faded doubletrack. Oh yeah, and every section of Ozark Trail that is rideable in the area. The trail shows up much better on the full version, and it should print clearly up to a medium-sized wall-poster. I called the right people, and managed to acquire a .PDF file of this map (in greater resolution than the above image.) If you want this map, I made the file available here:

LINK

If this doesn't work, let us/me know in the comment section and I can email it to you. It's a ~4MB file. (When you click, it will take you to the file-sharing website, click "download file" and then you'll have to select "download at limited speed.")

In other news, the weather this leading up to Rim Wrecker should prove to make for a messy race. So bring your Superior Attitude and Superior State of Mind, because you'll need it!

-Casey F. Ryback

Team Seagal has a fever, and the only cure is MOAR MIDDLEFORK!

Attention Team Seagal Fan. We here at Team Seagal Headquarters have had a bug lately, and it seems that it's only cure is to ride Middlefork at least once a week. So far I have been fortunate to be on this prescribed ride for the past 3 weeks in a row, and I must say it just keeps getting better each week! Today we found Nico, Gino, and yours truly TMS(tropical mason storm) packed and headed south towards the singlespeed promiseland. Even after some serious "methed out" gas station clerks, pooping in the woods and then finding a timex(btw anyone need a new watch it's on the log!), OT parkinglot supermans, some serious trailside repair...I think Gino's freewheels wrist's were snapped!, Nico falling asleep at the creek from being too fast, Ceaser Milan's dog army of doom, finding the future home of the "new" team seagal headquarters, a dropped chain/stem to the nuts on the last climb!, Gino throwing dishes at Dos Primos, and finally 48 points of pleasure. We here still made sure the the only thing that got served today was middlefork itself! I will keep this short and let the pictures speak for themselves, and I will leave you all with this little piece of advice... If you have yet to take the journey into the interior of the Ozark Trail system, and take part in what could be the best MO has to offer us "Hill Bikers" please contact us here at the headquarters and we will gladly escort you on the way to true enlightenment!

M. Storm

Lost Valley Luau - Mind if we dance wif yo dates?

Hail to thee, the loyal fan of Team Seagal. The time has come to discuss the events and goings-ons of Sunday March 22, 2009. Some bad-ass dudes over at Mesa Cycles kicked off the 2009 Midwest Fat Tire Series off with some serious AUTHORITY. Fun was abound as excellent temperatures, ultra-stiff competition, and six cases of 16oz PBR's pushed the vibe sky-high at this year's Lost Valley Luau.

Troop deployment was quite deliberate, Seagal soldiers were distributed throughout the class rankings so as to foster an environment ripe for gratuitous and merciless destruction of opponents' wrists. Old Boy E-55 is to thank for the following photos which he posted in a post over at stlbking.

(click on photos to see the full, non-cropped image. this damned internets is acting funny.)

Dr. on his XTR equipped Kona Kula Deluxe 2-9:



Jack Taggert shreddin' and suprising the Marathon class as the lone rider on a cyclocross rig, and making it look easy cheesy japaneesy in the process:





C-PUS:


Young Steve, who made it rain all day in his first fucking race ever:


Here comes Nico...



Going...



Gone!



Nico (3rd place SS) and Gino (1st MFing Place, SS) displaying their optical-trophies - very intimidating:

(Thanks Christian at mtbunited for this one!)

What a way to kick off the 2009 race series, after having been disappointed (not due to anyone's fault) with the cancellations so far this year. So what if we ran out of beer sooner than expected. That isn't a a sign of us not bringing enough beer, it is a sign of there being moar racers than usual! That's a good sign of an expanding scene!

If this race was any sign of things to come, the upcoming races will be AMAZING - unlike a Nick Cannon comedy bit. At this point of the year, even if a race doesn't go as well as planned, it can still be used as fantastic training for any of our big upcoming races on the immediate horizon - Ouachita, the Bone Bender 3/6hr remix, Syllamos, and next weekends excursion into the Pain Cave - Rim Wrecker. Oh man, that one will hurt you like a pissed off chimp.

Here is an artist's depiction of the Team Seagal pain-assault as it looms against the competition:

Holy shit, I have to go. Come to Rim Wrecker next weekend - it could be named "T'aint Pain Re-Visited." Stop by the Seagal Camp for the cure for all things pain-related: PBR.

-Nico Toscani, featuring Casey F. Ryback

Yes, Another Middlefork!

Greetings, Jerk. I tell you what, we have really lucked out so far this season. The deep cold has gone away, and the rain has yet to make a season out of stuff. So what do we do when life hands us lemonade? We drink that delicious lemonade, then turn it into jenkem and go Zambian-Street-Children style on it.

Thursday was upon us, and you know what Thursday means. Oh yes, Thursday is another glorious day that Energor has bestowed upon us with which we are to ride into glorious victory. So yours truly (Casey Ryback), Tropical Storm Mason, and Nico Toscani
(Nico also seen here) ventured down to do a Middlefork-to-Strother Creek-to-gravel-road-bailout.

A nice 32+ mile route that takes us down what we all agree to be a series of THE best downhills in Missouri. To give you an idea, the first descent from the gravel lot (DD/32) down to the first major bottoming out at a road/creek takes 15 minutes, with only about 2 or 3 of that involving any kind of climbing. It is literally over 11 minutes of descending. Where else can you find that around here? That's what I thought. As I stressed last week, this trail has the most fun descents in MO. The fastest, and most "carve-tastic." That's right.

We met and headed down 21, only to make two stops that were filled with pee and poo shivers. Before we knew it, we arrived at the parking lot, only to find this interesting bit of.... well... you make your own assumptions because I'm not commenting. Just know that I didn't do anything to her, and I didn't touch the clothing - it was like that when we got there:


From the trail:

Mason:

Took this one while pedaling uphill:

Mason:

Nico:

Casey Ryback:

Etc...

The best:

These two tornado-ravaged buildings have been a pile of fucking rubble since '04:

What an amazing rocking chair:

Now onto more serious business. We have a homework assignment for you - you being the awesome rider who makes fairly regular trips down to the Potosi area to ride Council Bluff, Trace Creek, Middlefork, or whatever. If you drive down 21, you know all of these landmarks. So we propose a challenge: Take a photo involving you and the following landmarks (as many as you can) that you'll see on the way down 21 to the Potosi area:

-The Porn Shed (Bonus points for being *in* the Porn Shed)
-The big rocking chair
-ordering food or a beer in Steve's Place
-ordering food or a beer in Rick's Place (technically on DD)
-the "boob" buildings (technically on C)
-next to some kind of "murder house"
-the pink elephant
-the "sea of dead cars"
-with one of the following - Ford Festiva, Subaru Justy, Geo Metro, or Mazda 323. A Yugo, if you can find one.
-with as many decorative wagon wheels as possible
-the Petroglyphs (hint: in a State Park)
-getting some "Chester Fried Chicken" in the BP at 21 and 8
-if stopping at a gas station, get a photo of one or two parents getting into their vehicle, while smoking, with their infant child in the seat (windows up)
-in "Off The Hook"

Please be careful when stopping on Hwy 21, otherwise known as "Blood Alley." If successful, a prize for you.

In the meantime, do less political arguing and more riding. First local XC race of the year is upon us - Lost Valley is this weekend! Come to the Pabst Tent for some free brews! Seriously, brah!

-Casey F. Ryback

When it rains, it Storm's

After an amazing ride yesterday at Middlefork, and reading the tale of double Berrymans. I had no choice but to take it to the next level today. After waking up way too late to drive down to Berryman (Plan A), I decided to suit up and point my hill bike West. After 15mi of road I found myself entering Lone Elk park ready to take on, Storm's ride to Chubb, do a Double Chubb,and then pedal your ass back home and go to bed ride! Last time I rode Chubb the trail was rutted all over and frozen solid....not the case today. The trail was in near perfect shape, and if I didn't have to ride my ass back home afterwards I may have entertained snapping off a 3rd Chubb!?!

Miles: 61.25

Avg.Speed: 12.4mph(30+ mi of road riding helped me in this catergory)

Elevation:4037

Calories Burned:6197

Glad to hear despite Bone Bender being cancelled we all maintained a Superior Attitude and rode our bikes and bodies into the ground! 3 weeks till Ouachita fellas

Sincerly,
Tropical Storm Mason

The Cure for the Common (race) Cancellation - A Day at Middlefork

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fan! Now I know that you are probably mourning/lamenting the news that the Sears Tower is changing names, which is why I have a glorious tale to tell recount which is sure to bring you a tear of joy (or a tear of fart-induced eye-watering.)

With Nico and The Good Doctor having completed a double Berryman (or a "Goscinski") the day prior and a penta-lap at Lost Valley today, and with the much-anticipated BoneBender Race 3/6hr Race cancelled, some of us decided to attack Middlefork instead. A truly baller grouping of riders both fast and super-fast was assembled for a full-frontal assault on the OT. Myself (Casey F. Ryback) Gino Felino, and Mason Storm met Christian, Keeven, and Stacey at the DD/32 trailhead for some primo hill bikin', and then, of course, Dos Primos. That was the plan.


First of all, you need to understand that the journey *to* this Potosi-area trail system is NEVER boring. Case in point:

Mulleted Mason in the parking lot shows off the new spoils from our sponsor - Pint Pabsts > 12oz Pabsts:
Next up, while driving south on 141 through Fenton, we were passed by a squirrel. Oh yes, he's alive:
The last interesting thing to show on the journey *to* the trail itself (we hadn't started pedaling yet) was a pair of underpants found hanging from a bush next to the parking lot. I think they are Furby's from that time he was assaulted by Robort. Needless to say, free underpants!

(btw, I don't subscribe to sunglasses over the helmet straps. Over earband, fine.)

We were off with a long, badass day of destiny awaiting us. Middlefork is a *PRIME* example of truly epic trail design with the mountain bike in mind. The climbs hurt, but they don't require you to redline if you don't want to. The descents are your incredible reward, as they could be considered some of the best in the state. One after another, they are a fucking BLAST to rip down! They are lengthy, with perfectly-constructed switchbacks that sneak up and keep you on your toes, and have yet to see any signs of erosion. I can't stress the "epicnicity" of the descents enough.

The day started off in the mid-upper 30's, and peaked in the upper 40's, with the sun showing up nicely. Prime weather, coupled with the kind of trail conditions that you dream about all through the winter. A perfect day for t'aint-snapping.

Mason led out for the first couple miles at a Bronson-Esque Pace (*a pace that puts the hurt down), showing off his superior attitude and superior state of mind when descending. We soon settled into our paces with Keeven and Gino scouting out the trail ahead for the rest of us.

Some shots from the front lines:



Mason has a bladder the size of a hub-bearing, as he had to stop about 1o^8 times:
Look at that groomed trail!!!

Camera mount for the group shot:
Farthest point out - Christian, Me, Gino, Mason, Keeven:
Gino with the steri-pen:
Mason:
Christian:

In between hocking up couple of gallons of delicious lung butter, passing multiple murder-houses, hot-boxing the car in a Dos Primos-fueled jenkem-esque stench, and coping with trench-foot, we managed to squeeze out a victory for those who ventured down, and are now that much stronger. Middlefork Assault 3/14/09 - Success!

Anyone available for a ride in the next few days? Monday/tuesday/wed? Let's get something planned out.

I want to party with this guy, btw:

Dog to man: "You gonna eat that?"

Seriously, let's plan a badass ride.

I leave you with words from Turbonegro: We're back, back in denim - 'cuz denim put the soul in your rock 'n roll.

-Casey F. Ryback

Out n' Back on The Berryman: the Day Nico and The Dr. became Goscinski's

On Friday the 13th of March there was an exceptional sunrise over Brazil Creek, just outside of Bourbon, MO. As luck would have it, BoneBender was postponed so Dr. Wesley McLaren and I were there to see it. We woke from our tents around 6:15am, the temperature was 19 degrees. Our lights were charged but we wussed on that, instead waiting about a hour for Big Red to fire up the eastern sky. Then we took off. It was 24 degrees and the ground was frozen. We began riding The Berryman Trail east to west, stedialy checking off the miles in a clockwise fashion. 3 hours and 24 minutes later we were half of the way along towards becoming Goscinski's and pretty pleased about it. Back at the campsite for a minute, Dr. and I refueled and took some time to relax. We thought back to the previous evening when we built a fucking huge fire and drank imported Canadian whiskey. We were pleased about that too.





Soon it was time to leave again and somehow the temperature had climbed to 38 degrees. We took off from Brazil Creek for a second Berryman session, this time in a counter-clockwise manner because thats what we think D-Wayne would have told us to do. The ground was no longer frozen but that did not mean muddy bikes because this trail is made from rocks.

Things went quite well, the Dr. and I offically became Goscinski's 3 hours and 32 minutes later when we returned to the campsite and decided to quit riding for the day. Lap two took a bit longer because Dr. got a flat, my headset came loose, and somewhere between the artisan well and The Berryman Campground we actually ran into a outlaw band of Zambian Street Children. They detained us when we stopped to inspect what was the most peculiar of trail droppings:



The Street Children were quite protective of the white turd, collecting it and then ushering us quickly out of the vicinity with assurances that everything was "under control," that "Mr. Leroy will be back soon." Pretty weird.

Tomorrow is Saturday 3/14, The Dr. and I are going out to Lost Valley in the morning for some race recon. We will be leaving the mound at 9am, you should meet us there if you want. Some other guys are going out to conquer The Middlefork. Whatever you choose, go out there and get a BoneBender's worth of activity in you.

Good Day,

Nico Toscani