-Casey F. Ryback
20111218
20111213
CXmas is "On My Mind"
Greetings Jerks,
Mason Storm here to remind you all that this Sunday, Dec 18 2011 is the 4th Annual CXmas and it starts at HIGH Noon, same great start/finish as last year! This will no doubt be filled with greatness, and seeing that it will be my last for a while I expect there will be some nice little "EXTRAS" planned by not only me, but a few other JERKS as well. So bring your bicycle, your slutty santa gear, thirst for NOG, and holiday cheer to somewhere out West were bike lanes extend over the river and meet a bunch of JERKS for a friendly bike ride. Until then please enjoy this video, and I'll see ya THIS Sunday!
Mason "moving to seattle in 4 weeks" Storm
Mason Storm here to remind you all that this Sunday, Dec 18 2011 is the 4th Annual CXmas and it starts at HIGH Noon, same great start/finish as last year! This will no doubt be filled with greatness, and seeing that it will be my last for a while I expect there will be some nice little "EXTRAS" planned by not only me, but a few other JERKS as well. So bring your bicycle, your slutty santa gear, thirst for NOG, and holiday cheer to somewhere out West were bike lanes extend over the river and meet a bunch of JERKS for a friendly bike ride. Until then please enjoy this video, and I'll see ya THIS Sunday!
Mason "moving to seattle in 4 weeks" Storm
20111204
Stay Tuned
Greetings, you jerks. As you know, we like to think of this site as one that is primarily focused on culture, education, and breaking news. But mostly education. For example, our "Educate the Public About Criss Angel" Initiative is going swimmingly, and in the coming months we hope to ramp up our "Take a Gigantic Shit On I.C.P./Juggalo" program.
That being said, we have some very exciting Sponsor-related news to drop very soon - and when we say "drop," we're talking like a Coach or Masson morning constitutional. After seeing it, you will feel relief in the same way.
Not since this contraption has the bicycle world been rocked the way it is about to be:
-Casey F. Ryback
That being said, we have some very exciting Sponsor-related news to drop very soon - and when we say "drop," we're talking like a Coach or Masson morning constitutional. After seeing it, you will feel relief in the same way.
Not since this contraption has the bicycle world been rocked the way it is about to be:
-Casey F. Ryback
20111130
A little Cxmas cheer from the Doctor
Jerks!! This is how we celebrate the holiday season in Arizona. With Santa, The Scottsdale Gun Club, and Master Steven watching the border, the CXMAS season will be joyous and safe!! Happy CXMAS and drink 15-20 eggnogs for your Doctor, who is currently getting fitted for a serious bullet proof vest.
20111126
5 Minutes with Monty
You just can't miss a good five minutes with Monty.
If ya got a good female coon hound ready to drop pup's, well drop one of em' to Monty.
20111120
Mounted Un-Pleasantly
Greetings. My name is Coach, and, well, I like to party.
Waking up Sunday, there was a certain "misery" in the air. The miserable stench of a bleak, Flemish existence that could do only one thing: lead us on high to catch a glimpse of certain glory. And what better place to that then the Mt. Pleasant winery! Now this place is known for being a horrific, lower-back wrenching climb-fest. And approaching today, you could certainly come to a reasonable conclusion that this would be the case again. Well, you would be right again this year... to a certain extent. But there would be another variable added into the equation - slop!
Only a select few people braved the weather and conditions, but this year, that seems to have been somewhat typical of the field sizes anyway. Let's just say that the turnouts as of late have been putting the "weak" into "weekend racing." (It's there - just move the letters around.) But that didn't keep the sideline from being very active, and helping to provide "crucial" motivation to those balls deep into the sloppy mess of a course. And even though we were providing them with life-giving PBR, or Alf's favorite drink (Coors), there may have been a Merlot or Norton hand-up given at some point.
It was glorious - I signed up early, thinking and hoping that I might end up being the only Singlespeeder there and would take first place by default, however those hopes were dashed when I came across my teammate and fellow singlespeeder Eric. Those hopes were dashed much like when Criss Angel walks into the boys shower room and dashes the hopes of all the boys hoping to not have sore B-holes that day. Utterly crushing.
Helping to set up the course, in the rain, the overall lay-out was a little more side-stepping of the hillside this year. Despite much in the way of off-camber turns, the usual twists and turns kept our attention, especially since the ground was becoming more and more slippery as the day went on, more drizzling rain fell, and more racers sheared off the top layer of grass and soil. There was one climb that made me feel like Bolo getting punched by Van Damne:
Spied during our race (All photos courtesy of Mike Dawson):
Me eating shit
Eric not fucking around
The neutral start down the pavement was essentially just a slower version of the hole-shot, at which point when the pavement ended it was game on, with a very smooth power delivery, lest you be needlessly spinning your wheels. The first lap was a learning experience for many of us as we all slid out at some point, however I did my duty by slowly picking people off in a reverse manner, finishing squarely at the back of the whole race where I wouldn't cause any problems. It was only a few laps from the end that the cold rain finally worked it's way through all of my clothing and I felt my warm sweat-soaked clothing slowly turn into cold mud-soaked clothing. But my superior attitude and superior state of mind embraced it and I burnt up all my hate-fueled vengeance to finish the race warm. Peat the Awesome and Eric the Jerk were free to fly and cause some serious "wristal" damage. Damage they did - after lapping me, Eric went on to finish in first place with Peat in 2nd!
It was good to see a good showing by the elusive South City Cycling Club including Al, Tom and Jeff - having last intermixed with their ranks at Burnin', their mustaches were notably absent, though truly, their badassery was not.
After our race was finished, I went and joined in the heckling ranks alongside esteemed Hub Overlord Ron, Brian "G.S." Busken and several other to cheer on Tyler "Fiery Hatred" Bicknese, whom I believe is secretly a vocalist for a hardcore death metal band. The band is probably named "Bearded Furiousity." Caleb was also in that race, borrowing a bike, and was the crowd favorite by executing proper form and riding the huge climb every time and staying upright in front of the peanut gallery. I was also glad to see the guy on the Scattante bike, and even though it's a mail-orde bike, I like it because it has the words "scat" and "t'ant" in the name. Which accurately describes it.
The B Race did a great job of furthering to prepare the course for the A's, whom would would be racing on a ground surface that was the equivalent of a peep show floor, it was so slippery. The stage was set for epicnicity:
We had quite a battle going for a while between the newly-crowned King Of Columbia - The Professor:
...Butthead and Logan, with Professor taking an early lead, only to see that lead slip due to recurring problems with his rear brake. And on a course like this, having both brakes would be slightly advantageous. Seeing Professor struggling with his braking situation had me wondering if we'd see a StL native LvB ride his Fuji all the way to victory, as he managed to pull out a good respectable gap on the field. I knew things were going awry when seeing him wipe out at least once or twice, and then fading back, only to see his chances at victory dissappear from view when he... uh, quit. That left Butthead to lead the charge up Mt. Pleasant with a front-of-the-A-race newcomber in tow - D-Wayne:
I wasn't sure he'd be able to pull ahead, simply for one reason - you can't win a cyclocross race if you're going to smile the whole time like you're actually having a good time. PAIN FACE! That being said, he never was more than 10 seconds behind Butthead - no small feat. The crowd watched as their rear wheels most awesomely churned the mud, a rare sight in a StL CX race. Professor rode the rest of the race dueling with Devin, whose beard is well on it's way to achieving "grifter" status. As the race grew long, we all realized that it must be getting tough to keep riding up those huge climbs, so the superfans and I decided that they might need extra help. Extra help = running along side them up the hill while yelling and blowing my yellow horn right in their faces.
No one was spared - TK chose wisely by riding his gold-plated 29'r and made the slick stuff seem easy. However, it was even more amazing to see the dudes with tires 1/2 the width ride the slick shit just the same - Roland Sallinger might as well have been been on a 4 stroke the way he motored around the course, unable to ride only one spot. Roland may not have won the race, but he was the cleanest jerk out there - nary a wipe out. Impressive. For a fucking jerk.
It was too bad to not see Hermann CX God Jeff Yielding make it this year, as I just *know* he would have been like a kid in a candy store in these conditions. OOOweee.
I think we learned something yesterday. CX races are a lot like cheap hookers when they're wet and sloppy - it doesn't look very inviting or seem like a good idea beforehand, but once you're started and shit starts flyin', it is just plain fun and you want to do it again. And you have to take a long, scalding hot shower afterwards.
-Casey F. Ryback
P.S. This is what I think of, each time I see Nad sign his last name:
P.P.S. Will someone get Casey Saunders a handlebar and/or helmet mirror?
PIZZA TIME ADDITION
Go read this post. If you like to have fun of any type you should (Except for the type of fun Chris Angel likes to have, he is not welcome). If you expect a void in your life that will need some awzormness this december, check out this post.
Check out this post!
Waking up Sunday, there was a certain "misery" in the air. The miserable stench of a bleak, Flemish existence that could do only one thing: lead us on high to catch a glimpse of certain glory. And what better place to that then the Mt. Pleasant winery! Now this place is known for being a horrific, lower-back wrenching climb-fest. And approaching today, you could certainly come to a reasonable conclusion that this would be the case again. Well, you would be right again this year... to a certain extent. But there would be another variable added into the equation - slop!
Only a select few people braved the weather and conditions, but this year, that seems to have been somewhat typical of the field sizes anyway. Let's just say that the turnouts as of late have been putting the "weak" into "weekend racing." (It's there - just move the letters around.) But that didn't keep the sideline from being very active, and helping to provide "crucial" motivation to those balls deep into the sloppy mess of a course. And even though we were providing them with life-giving PBR, or Alf's favorite drink (Coors), there may have been a Merlot or Norton hand-up given at some point.
It was glorious - I signed up early, thinking and hoping that I might end up being the only Singlespeeder there and would take first place by default, however those hopes were dashed when I came across my teammate and fellow singlespeeder Eric. Those hopes were dashed much like when Criss Angel walks into the boys shower room and dashes the hopes of all the boys hoping to not have sore B-holes that day. Utterly crushing.
Helping to set up the course, in the rain, the overall lay-out was a little more side-stepping of the hillside this year. Despite much in the way of off-camber turns, the usual twists and turns kept our attention, especially since the ground was becoming more and more slippery as the day went on, more drizzling rain fell, and more racers sheared off the top layer of grass and soil. There was one climb that made me feel like Bolo getting punched by Van Damne:
Spied during our race (All photos courtesy of Mike Dawson):
Me eating shit
Eric not fucking aroundThe neutral start down the pavement was essentially just a slower version of the hole-shot, at which point when the pavement ended it was game on, with a very smooth power delivery, lest you be needlessly spinning your wheels. The first lap was a learning experience for many of us as we all slid out at some point, however I did my duty by slowly picking people off in a reverse manner, finishing squarely at the back of the whole race where I wouldn't cause any problems. It was only a few laps from the end that the cold rain finally worked it's way through all of my clothing and I felt my warm sweat-soaked clothing slowly turn into cold mud-soaked clothing. But my superior attitude and superior state of mind embraced it and I burnt up all my hate-fueled vengeance to finish the race warm. Peat the Awesome and Eric the Jerk were free to fly and cause some serious "wristal" damage. Damage they did - after lapping me, Eric went on to finish in first place with Peat in 2nd!
It was good to see a good showing by the elusive South City Cycling Club including Al, Tom and Jeff - having last intermixed with their ranks at Burnin', their mustaches were notably absent, though truly, their badassery was not.
After our race was finished, I went and joined in the heckling ranks alongside esteemed Hub Overlord Ron, Brian "G.S." Busken and several other to cheer on Tyler "Fiery Hatred" Bicknese, whom I believe is secretly a vocalist for a hardcore death metal band. The band is probably named "Bearded Furiousity." Caleb was also in that race, borrowing a bike, and was the crowd favorite by executing proper form and riding the huge climb every time and staying upright in front of the peanut gallery. I was also glad to see the guy on the Scattante bike, and even though it's a mail-orde bike, I like it because it has the words "scat" and "t'ant" in the name. Which accurately describes it.
The B Race did a great job of furthering to prepare the course for the A's, whom would would be racing on a ground surface that was the equivalent of a peep show floor, it was so slippery. The stage was set for epicnicity:
We had quite a battle going for a while between the newly-crowned King Of Columbia - The Professor:
...Butthead and Logan, with Professor taking an early lead, only to see that lead slip due to recurring problems with his rear brake. And on a course like this, having both brakes would be slightly advantageous. Seeing Professor struggling with his braking situation had me wondering if we'd see a StL native LvB ride his Fuji all the way to victory, as he managed to pull out a good respectable gap on the field. I knew things were going awry when seeing him wipe out at least once or twice, and then fading back, only to see his chances at victory dissappear from view when he... uh, quit. That left Butthead to lead the charge up Mt. Pleasant with a front-of-the-A-race newcomber in tow - D-Wayne:
I wasn't sure he'd be able to pull ahead, simply for one reason - you can't win a cyclocross race if you're going to smile the whole time like you're actually having a good time. PAIN FACE! That being said, he never was more than 10 seconds behind Butthead - no small feat. The crowd watched as their rear wheels most awesomely churned the mud, a rare sight in a StL CX race. Professor rode the rest of the race dueling with Devin, whose beard is well on it's way to achieving "grifter" status. As the race grew long, we all realized that it must be getting tough to keep riding up those huge climbs, so the superfans and I decided that they might need extra help. Extra help = running along side them up the hill while yelling and blowing my yellow horn right in their faces.
No one was spared - TK chose wisely by riding his gold-plated 29'r and made the slick stuff seem easy. However, it was even more amazing to see the dudes with tires 1/2 the width ride the slick shit just the same - Roland Sallinger might as well have been been on a 4 stroke the way he motored around the course, unable to ride only one spot. Roland may not have won the race, but he was the cleanest jerk out there - nary a wipe out. Impressive. For a fucking jerk.
It was too bad to not see Hermann CX God Jeff Yielding make it this year, as I just *know* he would have been like a kid in a candy store in these conditions. OOOweee.
I think we learned something yesterday. CX races are a lot like cheap hookers when they're wet and sloppy - it doesn't look very inviting or seem like a good idea beforehand, but once you're started and shit starts flyin', it is just plain fun and you want to do it again. And you have to take a long, scalding hot shower afterwards.
-Casey F. Ryback
P.S. This is what I think of, each time I see Nad sign his last name:
P.P.S. Will someone get Casey Saunders a handlebar and/or helmet mirror?
PIZZA TIME ADDITION
Go read this post. If you like to have fun of any type you should (Except for the type of fun Chris Angel likes to have, he is not welcome). If you expect a void in your life that will need some awzormness this december, check out this post.
Check out this post!
20111114
Snapping Wrists and New Sponsor!
Greetings, Team Seagal Tifosi! What glorious days these are, in middle November, with temperatures approaching 80 degrees. Yesterday while doing Matson laps, I was sweating more than Criss Angel on "To Catch A Predator." Fortunately, I, The Crotch, have been drinking a lot of La Crotch so I knew I was well-hydrated.
Whew. Okay. So this week, some of us raced at Concordia Seminary, others raced at Creve Coeur (but not many, as shown in the turnout), and still others (or "other") were down at Louisville. Our very own Professor was definitely giving some of his most riveting lectures down in Lue-vull on how to obtain a snapped wrist for yourself. See for yourself at :45 seconds:
...and notice Badass of the World (BAOTW) Barry Wicks getting super awesome at 6:26.
Enough of that tomfoolery though, we have business to discuss. That business being our newest sponsor - Eagle's Nest Outfitters! Thanks to Superior Attitude and Superior State of Mind, the company that makes one of the greatest backpacking/camping products on the market, the ENO Hammock system, has gazed into our eye(s)(mine being brown) and decided to jump on board. It makes sense, seeing as how almost all of us already use the hammocks already - and if you would have been at this year's Burnin', you would have seen our hammock district. Needless to say, we're glad to have them on our side, and look forward to a good relationship!
One place where we will not need a hammock will be next weekend at the Bubba race at Mt. Pleasant. A cool venue that is about as fun to race as it is to have Criss Angel sleep over at your house. And if you're not into that kind of thing, may we suggest a spin at the continuously improving Matson Hill - one badass trail that is about 300 times moar enjoyable than it was just 2 or 3 years ago.
Finally, when future generations unearth our remains and find the funny contraptions we used to stay fit, what will they think of this one:
-CFR
Whew. Okay. So this week, some of us raced at Concordia Seminary, others raced at Creve Coeur (but not many, as shown in the turnout), and still others (or "other") were down at Louisville. Our very own Professor was definitely giving some of his most riveting lectures down in Lue-vull on how to obtain a snapped wrist for yourself. See for yourself at :45 seconds:
...and notice Badass of the World (BAOTW) Barry Wicks getting super awesome at 6:26.
Enough of that tomfoolery though, we have business to discuss. That business being our newest sponsor - Eagle's Nest Outfitters! Thanks to Superior Attitude and Superior State of Mind, the company that makes one of the greatest backpacking/camping products on the market, the ENO Hammock system, has gazed into our eye(s)(mine being brown) and decided to jump on board. It makes sense, seeing as how almost all of us already use the hammocks already - and if you would have been at this year's Burnin', you would have seen our hammock district. Needless to say, we're glad to have them on our side, and look forward to a good relationship!
One place where we will not need a hammock will be next weekend at the Bubba race at Mt. Pleasant. A cool venue that is about as fun to race as it is to have Criss Angel sleep over at your house. And if you're not into that kind of thing, may we suggest a spin at the continuously improving Matson Hill - one badass trail that is about 300 times moar enjoyable than it was just 2 or 3 years ago.
Finally, when future generations unearth our remains and find the funny contraptions we used to stay fit, what will they think of this one:
-CFR
20111108
This Just In
Greetings, Team Seagal Loyalists. Today we bring amazing news to you, involving one of our most esteemed sponsors, Velocity Rims and Wheels!
Read This
In this age of moving manufacturing overseas for cheap labor, Velocity is bringing their rim manufacturing into the States! So now if you're looking for American-made rims, you aren't limited to Enve Rims and their Seagal-esque pricetags. Velocity's huge product range is affordable, and offers loads of performance. Now they are just that much closer to home.
Moving along, we are balls-deep in the 2011 CX season. A season that so far has rattled our bones, snapped many a wrist, and dispensed much in the way of skull dollars. Oh, and lets not forget that the Good Professor Robert Burns has been essentially unstoppable! To say that he is simply a top CX hero would be like saying that might be just a couple of fat dudes doing meth at an ICP concert. In fact, Professor is to Missouri CX what Criss Angel is to douchebags everywhere - a God amongst men. Truly, legs of pure Quantanium.
This weekend we're lucky to have ourselves a double-header, first Concordia Seminary on Saturday, and then the Death Blow on Sunday will be at Creve Coeur Lake, the upper part. Special guest at Concordia CX will be our own Shop Ministor, having come in from Milwaukee, where the beer flows like wine, and the women flock like the salmon of capistrano. Look for him in the A Race alongside with our newest recruit - Roland Sallinger, engaging in a "Scorched Earth" policy, wherebouts he will be making un-usable all land behind him, thus making any efforts to pass him futile. Life in his wake will be as bleak and hopeless as a Soviet Winter. Please show him your appreciation.
Until then, prepare your minds and T'aints for a thorough thrashing this coming weekend.
-Casey F. Ryback
Read This
In this age of moving manufacturing overseas for cheap labor, Velocity is bringing their rim manufacturing into the States! So now if you're looking for American-made rims, you aren't limited to Enve Rims and their Seagal-esque pricetags. Velocity's huge product range is affordable, and offers loads of performance. Now they are just that much closer to home.
Moving along, we are balls-deep in the 2011 CX season. A season that so far has rattled our bones, snapped many a wrist, and dispensed much in the way of skull dollars. Oh, and lets not forget that the Good Professor Robert Burns has been essentially unstoppable! To say that he is simply a top CX hero would be like saying that might be just a couple of fat dudes doing meth at an ICP concert. In fact, Professor is to Missouri CX what Criss Angel is to douchebags everywhere - a God amongst men. Truly, legs of pure Quantanium.
This weekend we're lucky to have ourselves a double-header, first Concordia Seminary on Saturday, and then the Death Blow on Sunday will be at Creve Coeur Lake, the upper part. Special guest at Concordia CX will be our own Shop Ministor, having come in from Milwaukee, where the beer flows like wine, and the women flock like the salmon of capistrano. Look for him in the A Race alongside with our newest recruit - Roland Sallinger, engaging in a "Scorched Earth" policy, wherebouts he will be making un-usable all land behind him, thus making any efforts to pass him futile. Life in his wake will be as bleak and hopeless as a Soviet Winter. Please show him your appreciation.
Until then, prepare your minds and T'aints for a thorough thrashing this coming weekend.
-Casey F. Ryback
20111023
Another Day, Another Jork
Greetings, Team Seagal Junkies! We are nothing, if not educators. We are constantly on the search for knowledge which we can impart upon our followers. Sometimes it may not be knowledge in the traditional, academic sense (such as with our continuing jenkem research) but instead, knowledge of breaking news. Today is one of those days that we are able to bring to you truly earth-shattering news of Energor-like proportions.
Today, we introduce to you our newest member, Roland Sallinger - a top researcher at a nearby recumbent factory where he has put much effort into legitimizing the discipline of recumbent triathlons. Under his direction, required chain lengths have grown longer and their paths have become ever more convoluted as they pass through the most complex chain guides ever installed on bikes. He has worked tirelessly to improve the recumbents position in the two-wheeled pecking order:
1. mountain bikes
2. cyclocross bikes
3. road bikes
4. hybrid/fitness bikes
5. tri/tt bikes
6. penny farthings/"ordinaries"
7. walmart/target specials
8. recumbents
9. rusty walmart/target bikes
10. This bike
They used to be at the bottom, but since rusty bikes may not actually propel you forward, they dropped down.
We operate in the same manner, therefore the Team Seagal Department Of Recruitment and Killing (D.O.R.K.) saw fit to make a move:
Unfortunately, the Mayor of Pizza Town distributed his uniform at an inopportune time. Good thing his Superior Attitude and Superior State of Mind saw him through to a superior finish.
If your looking for a way to welcome him to the team, at the next race give him the "Criss Angel Salute" using this water gun:
Welcome aboard the Man Train, Jerk!
-Casey F. Ryback
Today, we introduce to you our newest member, Roland Sallinger - a top researcher at a nearby recumbent factory where he has put much effort into legitimizing the discipline of recumbent triathlons. Under his direction, required chain lengths have grown longer and their paths have become ever more convoluted as they pass through the most complex chain guides ever installed on bikes. He has worked tirelessly to improve the recumbents position in the two-wheeled pecking order:
1. mountain bikes
2. cyclocross bikes
3. road bikes
4. hybrid/fitness bikes
5. tri/tt bikes
6. penny farthings/"ordinaries"
7. walmart/target specials
8. recumbents
9. rusty walmart/target bikes
10. This bike
They used to be at the bottom, but since rusty bikes may not actually propel you forward, they dropped down.
We operate in the same manner, therefore the Team Seagal Department Of Recruitment and Killing (D.O.R.K.) saw fit to make a move:
Unfortunately, the Mayor of Pizza Town distributed his uniform at an inopportune time. Good thing his Superior Attitude and Superior State of Mind saw him through to a superior finish.
If your looking for a way to welcome him to the team, at the next race give him the "Criss Angel Salute" using this water gun:
Welcome aboard the Man Train, Jerk!
-Casey F. Ryback
20111010
This Just In: 2011 Burnin' at the Bluff Kicked Untold Amounts of Ass
Greetings, Team Seagal studio audience! If you're just tuning into our broadcast, we last left off with our heroes preparing for a most epic battle on the Shores of Council BLUFF Lake. Mr. Toscani been fastidiously translating the last few Chinese scrolls in hopes finding new meaning to Mr. Boyd's "arm baby," while at the same time a last minute bombshell was dropped, informing us that Mason would not be able to join us for the race, instead being able to arrive just in time to add to the aftermath. The last minute cliffhanger left us wondering in which category Punchor would be racing. We now re-join our Team, in a reminiscing of past events, according to the rotting memory of the Coach.
To say that this year's Burnin' at the Bluff was a remarkably enjoyable bicycle race would be like saying that I wouldn't particularly care to be in the crowd of a Criss Angel performance at a gathering of juggalos. Or like saying that Crank Brothers pedals have a somewhat questionable record of reliability. To say it is and understatement is, itself, and understatement.
This race is always highly anticipated, and few people have been anticipating the race like our very own Lawman, who, in the last few months alone, has spent more time at Council Bluff than Criss Angel has spend coaching middle school boys swim teams in the last year. But what has he been doing down there? As an official trail steward, he has been clearing the trail and just engaging in general "trail foreplay" in an effort to get the "trail juices" flowing, so that it can more easily handle the repeated pounding from hundreds and hundreds of dudes and ladies on Saturday. But he hasn't been the only one working to ensure proper conditions for this year's Burnin'. As part of a recent directive passed down from Team Seagal HQ, our team collectively engaged in the most ambitious secret weather dance we've evar undertaken. In fact, as part of this effort, we actually had an entire herd of Himalayan Yak (the most manly of all yaks) brought in so that we would have enough of that... secret ingredient. Nothing was going to cause this year to be anything less than perfect.
We had our work cut out for us this year. The competition level would mean that this year would be no picnic, despite what the right wing media would have you believe. That is why we made sure to not fuck around (well, maybe we fucked around a little bit), and sent one of strongest fighting forces evar to engage in battle on the shores of Council BLUFF Lake. In the Singlespeed class, we manned two squads: Team Singlespeed Jerk-Off, consisting of Nad "Internationally Renowned Bathtub Mary Artist" Snurb, Orin "Arm Baby and Leg Titty" Boyd, and the Ultimate Jerk - Nico "That Solo Business Is For The Birds" Toscani; and Team "Jerks Effusing Noxious and Keenly Euphoric Madness" (or J.E.N.K.E.M.) consisting of Casey "In Fact, Did You Know That..." Ryback, Gino "I Used To Wear Rings On Every Finger" Felino, and Jonathon "Stoveward P. Stovington III, Esq" Cold. In the Solo classes, we fielded the power trio of Capt. Jack "Trek Speed Concept Handlebar Expert" Tagg0rt, Cock "Stag Beer Is Better Than Stag Movies" Punch0r, and Sasha "The Great Thing About Losing That Weight Is That My Boobs Didn't" Petrosevitch. And of course, we had our hand in the Clydesdale (or All That Is Man) class with "Trail Fluffer" Lawman teaming up with allies Keith "Hollywood" Weinkein and Brian "Gun Show" Busken, all under the tutelage of their coach, Jason "I Know The Most Interesting Man In The World Which Makes Me The Second Most Interesting Man In the World" Pryor. Our man Forrest "I've Had My Fingers In More Fish Taco's Than You Could Evar Dream Of" Taft was putting the "in man" in manning the aid station at the Enough Boat Ramp. Unfortunately, not all of us were able to be on the front lines this weekend, most notably the Professor, who was steadfastly engaging in wrist-strengthening activities so as to most effectively be able to lay waste to the entire CX world in the coming months.
Our reality started its descent into twisted euphoria by Friday night. I picked up recent Great Divide Race finisher Luke "Pain?" Doney and his Salsa Fargo, then picked up Forrest "I'm 23" Taft and his brown stallion where we then proceeded to choo-choo our way down through Potosi, past the booby school, and arriving at our final resting place, Group Campsite C, where we were greeted by Orin "Jim 'Hacksaw' Duggan" Boyd:
The night progressed, or regressed, depending on how you look at it, with many truths becoming known, such as Nico's love affair with a tree, as evidenced by his hickey:
Scooter was able to stay on two legs all night, which is the first time in a long time. To prove he had full control of his capacities, he proved it by practicing some martial arts (probably Akido) in front of our commission artwork:
Much firewood was burnt that night, as we discussed all that was in store. I awoke the next morning to view our expansive estate of a campsite, one that had many different areas, such as our very own hammock district:
Which I couldn't help but think that this gathering of hammocks was foretold:
The aftermath of the previous night was still there:
Major McPizza-Town was nearly carried off by this beast while driving:
A quick stroll to the registration only helped to fuel my anxiousness and excitement, especially when I saw a trailer full of kegs, prize-boxes, and huge jerks:
I spoke with T0rgg0rt about his equipment choices, and he showed me one of his many secrets, the elusive and rarely seen 5-bolt XTR crank set (note the greatest singlespeed chain of all time, matched only by the gold version):
I give you the Face of Manliness:
Not long after that photo was taken, we were off in a flurry of smoke and drama in true Burnin' fashion. Cruising down the pavement, my singlespeed and I were unfortunately not able to get the most important thing in a 12 hour mountain bike race - the holeshot. Instead, it was "All Aboard the Man-Train" and fortunately I was able to stay ahead of the caboose. Flossing the trail, I was bobbing and weaving all obstacles, happy to finally be on a tubeless wheelset - some Blunt SL rims, courtesy of one of our awesome sponsors, Velocity. The trail was pretty much like we all expected it to be: more dry than Criss Angel after a month-long sexual conversion camp. There was one unexpected water crossing, and despite being very short, it was so deep, that I thought I was in the movie Poltergeist III where that little girl was standing in the puddle but then those demon arms reached up and pulled her down. Fortunately, all that had to be done to avoid the demon arms (which may have been in there, who knows) was pull a sweet wheelie and let the rear wheel drop in, and quickly pedal away - full of badassery.
Laps ticked off. At one point, I encountered Jim Krewet, my arch enemy, having snapped my wrist at 2.5 mph last year on the last climb - I resisted the urge to engage in Geneva-Convention-violating acts of sabotage.
The weather was glorious, and so was the comradery. Amazing things were happening even early in the day, such as the Law Firm of Ploch, Steinmetz and Donn snapping off the first two laps in under 2 hours. Snappety-tastic. The weather never got too hot, but it was warm enough to make the impending night laps comfortably mild. The only big surprise was the tree that was down on the final climb, which definitely mixed things up.
In between laps, it was relorxed and awesorme back in the Hammock District:
Our Team Jerk-Off held a confident lead most of the day, and managed to hold it into the night laps, no doubt in part helped by such thorough preparation as this - giving Mini-Steven his headlights back. This would be the first time since 2008 RIM that Mini-Steven would be able to see after dark:
One of my favorite quotes of the day came after I had been on the side of the trail fixing a broken chain (pretty good after 4 seasons of use) and watched Peat pass by. Getting the bike back in order, I hopped back on my brown rocket and started moving down the trail, post haste. Snapping the wrist of a couple of other dudes, I wondered how long it would take, if even possible, for me to catch up to Peat. He's definitely a faster rider than me overall, but I was counting on his steadier pace due to his entrance in the Mario van Peebles class, and my fresher legs. I caught up with him after a little while and rode with him for probably a good 20-25 minutes - this being his *7th* lap, I on my 3rd. And he was not screwing around - I was working quite hard to hang with him. Anyway, at the dam I offered to pull in front and take lead for a while, to which he answered "I dunno man, I'm pretty fast through this next section." Truly, Superior Attitude and Superior State of Mind.
I unfortunately was not able to fully enjoy a night lap, which can be one of the most awesome mountain bike experiences. However, I was able to get back and fully enjoy the spoils of the Team Seagal and Burnin' sponsor, Pabst Blue Ribbon. And it wasn't long before I was seeing this image, and with a similar level of focus:
It was close to the 8 o'clock hour before the Tropical Storm made landfall, and did indeed proceed to set one of the many records that were broken/set that night: least amount of time between stone sober and properly euphoric. Mason and I made an excellent stop off at the Mesa campground where we found Zach, Drewballz, and STLPAF Dave, among others, gettin' their food on. I had to help them regulate some fat ribs, while Mason and Dave did the same to some fresh oysters. Potentially the first oysters to be eaten at Council Bluff. The word "pioneers" comes to mind.
Have finally met some badasses from the elusive South City Cycling Club, I give them the highly-prized Team Seagal Seal of Approval:
PBR Dave always hooks this race up, with enough beer to get refill Council Bluff Lake. Also, being tons and tons of schwag, this most odd one being the Pabst Topsy-Turvy:
PBR Dave tapping the second keg:
That IS a discman, with 45 second skip protection, and we played some Witchery on it:
Now unfortunately, my camera, while a trusty and pink companion, it has difficulties understanding how it should work when it's dark and I'm drunk. So despite my best efforts, all of my podium shots were pretty much useless. So I'll just let you in on the secret: Sasha managed 6 laps to take the women's Solo class (again!) Actually, here's a photo, courtesy of Mr. Rybar:
"Looks Better In a Skinsuit Than You'd Think" Lawman and his squad with Keith and Brian smashed their way to the top of the podium in the All-That-Is-Man Class as well - but then, how could they not. Have you seen them?
Jack "Pancake Breakfast" Tr0rggr0rt got in more laps on his SS that he'd evar done, at 5 which is a huge amount of laps, no matter who you talk to - even getting in the all important night lorps. And from all of this gloriousness, things went downhill quickly. Or uphill, again depending on how you look at it. Peat "Slash" Henry had to continue to hydrate himself after completing a simply Predator-like 9 laps on his rigid singlespeed:
Of course, even though Peat's accomplishment sets a new SS solo record, it wasn't *quite* enough to catch up to the inspired performance of People's Champion, Dwayne G who, set a new Burnin' Solo World Record of 10 laps. All joking aside, it was made all the more impressive after the year he and his family have undergone. I don't think there was anything that could have prevented him achieving complete and total success. Congratulations!
Another record being set was by the Dream Team of the Ploch, Steinmetz and Donn of doing 12 laps. To go any faster, they'd need to have beards. When Garrett passed me, it was akin to two satellites in orbit passing each other in the opposite direction - the relative speed being something like 34,000 mph.
Before too long, we retreated to the Hammock District in order to make the best TC Man Food:
Mason's record-setting transition from sober to euphoric was moving along at a surprisingly quick pace - I had lost track of him until the next morning, when he poured out of the back of his car. Stories of finding him at 3:30 am sleeping in the field were circulating, along with golf claps of approval.
Waking up the next morning, there was much to share amongst our motley crew of jorks. We sported some fresh schwag, like in this photo, if you can find Nico, you'll notice his sweet camo shirt. That's IF you can spot him:
Still in a bit of a daze from the prorvious night, I ventured down to my fortress of solitude, or the Zambian Hut, to engage in some personal reflection and my morning constitution. I arrived to find Norcword trying to fend off his female admirers. You'd be surprised how much his fan club has grown:
It's like I always say, you can't drink all day if you don't start first thing. And being a Coach, my advice carries with it a certain weight. This being Lawman's own Burnin' Coffee Stout:
Whew. Looking back, I believe that there are more photos with middle fingers than without. Mission: Accomplished. What a great time.
Another mission that has been accomplished: a badass Burnin' courtesy of a true OG, Farinella and the rest of the Mesa jerks. We all managed to survive. Super pumped with only one mtb race left on the calendar - the BT Epic. And then... CX.
In order to continue to elevate ourselves to the next level, we will be following the Gray Wolf's lead, and using his training program:
That program includes:
-taking the bus up hills
-not carrying water
-using a belt for all items to carry
-spending at least $6000 on wheel (otherwise, don't bother)
-make all our own custom lycra bike clothing with our names written in acrylic paint
-remove the granny ring from the bike, and mate it to an 11-21 cassette
-always attack the pack
-spend 1.5 hours the night before every ride figuring out what to wear
-don't wear a helmet
-eat only sugar
You're welcome.
-Casey F. Ryback
To say that this year's Burnin' at the Bluff was a remarkably enjoyable bicycle race would be like saying that I wouldn't particularly care to be in the crowd of a Criss Angel performance at a gathering of juggalos. Or like saying that Crank Brothers pedals have a somewhat questionable record of reliability. To say it is and understatement is, itself, and understatement.
This race is always highly anticipated, and few people have been anticipating the race like our very own Lawman, who, in the last few months alone, has spent more time at Council Bluff than Criss Angel has spend coaching middle school boys swim teams in the last year. But what has he been doing down there? As an official trail steward, he has been clearing the trail and just engaging in general "trail foreplay" in an effort to get the "trail juices" flowing, so that it can more easily handle the repeated pounding from hundreds and hundreds of dudes and ladies on Saturday. But he hasn't been the only one working to ensure proper conditions for this year's Burnin'. As part of a recent directive passed down from Team Seagal HQ, our team collectively engaged in the most ambitious secret weather dance we've evar undertaken. In fact, as part of this effort, we actually had an entire herd of Himalayan Yak (the most manly of all yaks) brought in so that we would have enough of that... secret ingredient. Nothing was going to cause this year to be anything less than perfect.
We had our work cut out for us this year. The competition level would mean that this year would be no picnic, despite what the right wing media would have you believe. That is why we made sure to not fuck around (well, maybe we fucked around a little bit), and sent one of strongest fighting forces evar to engage in battle on the shores of Council BLUFF Lake. In the Singlespeed class, we manned two squads: Team Singlespeed Jerk-Off, consisting of Nad "Internationally Renowned Bathtub Mary Artist" Snurb, Orin "Arm Baby and Leg Titty" Boyd, and the Ultimate Jerk - Nico "That Solo Business Is For The Birds" Toscani; and Team "Jerks Effusing Noxious and Keenly Euphoric Madness" (or J.E.N.K.E.M.) consisting of Casey "In Fact, Did You Know That..." Ryback, Gino "I Used To Wear Rings On Every Finger" Felino, and Jonathon "Stoveward P. Stovington III, Esq" Cold. In the Solo classes, we fielded the power trio of Capt. Jack "Trek Speed Concept Handlebar Expert" Tagg0rt, Cock "Stag Beer Is Better Than Stag Movies" Punch0r, and Sasha "The Great Thing About Losing That Weight Is That My Boobs Didn't" Petrosevitch. And of course, we had our hand in the Clydesdale (or All That Is Man) class with "Trail Fluffer" Lawman teaming up with allies Keith "Hollywood" Weinkein and Brian "Gun Show" Busken, all under the tutelage of their coach, Jason "I Know The Most Interesting Man In The World Which Makes Me The Second Most Interesting Man In the World" Pryor. Our man Forrest "I've Had My Fingers In More Fish Taco's Than You Could Evar Dream Of" Taft was putting the "in man" in manning the aid station at the Enough Boat Ramp. Unfortunately, not all of us were able to be on the front lines this weekend, most notably the Professor, who was steadfastly engaging in wrist-strengthening activities so as to most effectively be able to lay waste to the entire CX world in the coming months.
Our reality started its descent into twisted euphoria by Friday night. I picked up recent Great Divide Race finisher Luke "Pain?" Doney and his Salsa Fargo, then picked up Forrest "I'm 23" Taft and his brown stallion where we then proceeded to choo-choo our way down through Potosi, past the booby school, and arriving at our final resting place, Group Campsite C, where we were greeted by Orin "Jim 'Hacksaw' Duggan" Boyd:
The night progressed, or regressed, depending on how you look at it, with many truths becoming known, such as Nico's love affair with a tree, as evidenced by his hickey:
 |
| Scooter puts the "do a kid" in "akido." |
Much firewood was burnt that night, as we discussed all that was in store. I awoke the next morning to view our expansive estate of a campsite, one that had many different areas, such as our very own hammock district:
The aftermath of the previous night was still there:
A quick stroll to the registration only helped to fuel my anxiousness and excitement, especially when I saw a trailer full of kegs, prize-boxes, and huge jerks:
 |
| "Guess what this smells like!" |
I give you the Face of Manliness:
Not long after that photo was taken, we were off in a flurry of smoke and drama in true Burnin' fashion. Cruising down the pavement, my singlespeed and I were unfortunately not able to get the most important thing in a 12 hour mountain bike race - the holeshot. Instead, it was "All Aboard the Man-Train" and fortunately I was able to stay ahead of the caboose. Flossing the trail, I was bobbing and weaving all obstacles, happy to finally be on a tubeless wheelset - some Blunt SL rims, courtesy of one of our awesome sponsors, Velocity. The trail was pretty much like we all expected it to be: more dry than Criss Angel after a month-long sexual conversion camp. There was one unexpected water crossing, and despite being very short, it was so deep, that I thought I was in the movie Poltergeist III where that little girl was standing in the puddle but then those demon arms reached up and pulled her down. Fortunately, all that had to be done to avoid the demon arms (which may have been in there, who knows) was pull a sweet wheelie and let the rear wheel drop in, and quickly pedal away - full of badassery.
Laps ticked off. At one point, I encountered Jim Krewet, my arch enemy, having snapped my wrist at 2.5 mph last year on the last climb - I resisted the urge to engage in Geneva-Convention-violating acts of sabotage.
In between laps, it was relorxed and awesorme back in the Hammock District:
One of my favorite quotes of the day came after I had been on the side of the trail fixing a broken chain (pretty good after 4 seasons of use) and watched Peat pass by. Getting the bike back in order, I hopped back on my brown rocket and started moving down the trail, post haste. Snapping the wrist of a couple of other dudes, I wondered how long it would take, if even possible, for me to catch up to Peat. He's definitely a faster rider than me overall, but I was counting on his steadier pace due to his entrance in the Mario van Peebles class, and my fresher legs. I caught up with him after a little while and rode with him for probably a good 20-25 minutes - this being his *7th* lap, I on my 3rd. And he was not screwing around - I was working quite hard to hang with him. Anyway, at the dam I offered to pull in front and take lead for a while, to which he answered "I dunno man, I'm pretty fast through this next section." Truly, Superior Attitude and Superior State of Mind.
I unfortunately was not able to fully enjoy a night lap, which can be one of the most awesome mountain bike experiences. However, I was able to get back and fully enjoy the spoils of the Team Seagal and Burnin' sponsor, Pabst Blue Ribbon. And it wasn't long before I was seeing this image, and with a similar level of focus:
It was close to the 8 o'clock hour before the Tropical Storm made landfall, and did indeed proceed to set one of the many records that were broken/set that night: least amount of time between stone sober and properly euphoric. Mason and I made an excellent stop off at the Mesa campground where we found Zach, Drewballz, and STLPAF Dave, among others, gettin' their food on. I had to help them regulate some fat ribs, while Mason and Dave did the same to some fresh oysters. Potentially the first oysters to be eaten at Council Bluff. The word "pioneers" comes to mind.
Have finally met some badasses from the elusive South City Cycling Club, I give them the highly-prized Team Seagal Seal of Approval:
PBR Dave always hooks this race up, with enough beer to get refill Council Bluff Lake. Also, being tons and tons of schwag, this most odd one being the Pabst Topsy-Turvy:
PBR Dave tapping the second keg:
That IS a discman, with 45 second skip protection, and we played some Witchery on it:
2011 SS Champs:
 | |
| We've all got vans. |
"Looks Better In a Skinsuit Than You'd Think" Lawman and his squad with Keith and Brian smashed their way to the top of the podium in the All-That-Is-Man Class as well - but then, how could they not. Have you seen them?
Jack "Pancake Breakfast" Tr0rggr0rt got in more laps on his SS that he'd evar done, at 5 which is a huge amount of laps, no matter who you talk to - even getting in the all important night lorps. And from all of this gloriousness, things went downhill quickly. Or uphill, again depending on how you look at it. Peat "Slash" Henry had to continue to hydrate himself after completing a simply Predator-like 9 laps on his rigid singlespeed:
Another record being set was by the Dream Team of the Ploch, Steinmetz and Donn of doing 12 laps. To go any faster, they'd need to have beards. When Garrett passed me, it was akin to two satellites in orbit passing each other in the opposite direction - the relative speed being something like 34,000 mph.
Before too long, we retreated to the Hammock District in order to make the best TC Man Food:
Mason's record-setting transition from sober to euphoric was moving along at a surprisingly quick pace - I had lost track of him until the next morning, when he poured out of the back of his car. Stories of finding him at 3:30 am sleeping in the field were circulating, along with golf claps of approval.
Waking up the next morning, there was much to share amongst our motley crew of jorks. We sported some fresh schwag, like in this photo, if you can find Nico, you'll notice his sweet camo shirt. That's IF you can spot him:
Still in a bit of a daze from the prorvious night, I ventured down to my fortress of solitude, or the Zambian Hut, to engage in some personal reflection and my morning constitution. I arrived to find Norcword trying to fend off his female admirers. You'd be surprised how much his fan club has grown:
It's like I always say, you can't drink all day if you don't start first thing. And being a Coach, my advice carries with it a certain weight. This being Lawman's own Burnin' Coffee Stout:
Whew. Looking back, I believe that there are more photos with middle fingers than without. Mission: Accomplished. What a great time.
Another mission that has been accomplished: a badass Burnin' courtesy of a true OG, Farinella and the rest of the Mesa jerks. We all managed to survive. Super pumped with only one mtb race left on the calendar - the BT Epic. And then... CX.
In order to continue to elevate ourselves to the next level, we will be following the Gray Wolf's lead, and using his training program:
That program includes:
-taking the bus up hills
-not carrying water
-using a belt for all items to carry
-spending at least $6000 on wheel (otherwise, don't bother)
-make all our own custom lycra bike clothing with our names written in acrylic paint
-remove the granny ring from the bike, and mate it to an 11-21 cassette
-always attack the pack
-spend 1.5 hours the night before every ride figuring out what to wear
-don't wear a helmet
-eat only sugar
You're welcome.
-Casey F. Ryback
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