Greetings good friends. Your old pal, field correspondent Nico Toscani, is here to brief you on our most recent trip to the battlefield, The 2011 Bone Bendor 3/6, An Odyssey in MTB Paradise. Details surrounding this event which occured in Lawrence, KS on April 17, 2011 have been officially de-classified. It is now safe to divulge to you the many truths that took place on that very day.
First off, the trails at Clinton Lake State Park are so badd-ass that Your Author would give them a rating of at least "9" on the Clydesdale Scale. Basically, trail users are dealing with multiple sections of screaming, super-buff singletrack connecting steep goat hills and huge gardens of rock [sometimes containing a tricky switch-back]. Very fun stuff, almost all of it rideable.
Second, it is safe to tell you that your authors' *new* war-wagon is equally badd-ass and would also receive a "9" on said scale. Take a look for yourself, the car is amazing. It has a very spacious roof, there's room for at least 3 SS mountain bikes:
The war wagon is pretty cool but the passengers it carried from St. Louis to Lawrence are even cooler than cool, aka "Ice cold." The guest list in the fancy-ass car during the journey to Clinton Lake included new Team Seagal recruit PFC Orin Boyd, Team Free Awesome's very own Peat "The Beet" Henry, and Your Author. We arrived the evening before the race and set-up camp with a merry group that included some of Columbia, MO's, finest Jerks: Professor Robert Burns and his beautiful wife, Green Beans, race promotion guru Andy Schuette, and noted beard doper Joshua Carroll. Food and drink were shared beside the campfire and the full moon brightly illuminated the path to the woods when one had to squirt (go number one). Before long, the effects of the 300 mile journey from St. Louis became enough to coax us away from the fire and into our tents for the evening.
Waking at the race course on race day pre-registered and ready to crush souls is awesome! The Bone Bendor Promotions Crew needs to be recognized for their superior organization skills because this event went smooooth. Let's take a look at some of the action that took place throughout the day at Clinton Lake State Park as documented the official BBv3 historian Chris Dean:
Orin Boyd...being chased by Brian "The Gun Show" Busken: Your Author:
Professor Robert Burns: Senor J. Carroll...powder blue Indy Fab! OMG Andy Scheutte has one very nice steel Kona 29er nice fella Christopher j. Ploch:
6hr Solo Crushor Jon Schottler, the fastest fella in the state:
Finally, 6hr SS Solo 2nd place finisher and passenger in Nico's new Car: Peat "The Beet" Henry:
Oh yes it's true, much fun and excellent course conditions were shared by all. Let it be shown that Peat, Your Author, and PFC Orin Boyd each earned top 5 positions in the prestigious 6hr SS Solo class - this is partly to fairly awesome in my new car's opinion. Ewww Weee, we caint wait to have our bones bent again next year. Thanks for stopping by, Nico Toscani signing out. Jerks!
Today marks a very special day in Team Seagal history. Mason Storm here to tell you of our most recent sponsor for the 2011/12 season Flaco's Cocina! Not only do we LOVE Flaco's, but also as of just a few weeks ago a certain JERK now works there as the am PT Chef! Next time after a ride, or you just want a bite and a cold PBR, stop on by Flaco's Cocina and tell them Team Seagal sent ya!
1) Nico Toscani SS 2) Steve Friedman SS 3) Peat Henry SS 4) Cock Puncher SS 5) Lisa Troehler F 6) Craig Thrasher SS 7) Rob Ballou M 8) Marc Engelhardt M 9) Jason Pryor M 10) Scott Peipert M 11) Todd Davenport SS 12) Joshua Stockwell SS 13) Randy Anderson SS 14aka69) Chris Wurster SS 15) Jeff Yielding M 16) Team Breslin SS 17) Karl Kimbel SS 18) Barry Volmer SS 19) Nick Smith SS 20) Sasha Petrosevich F 21) Dan Bruns SS 22) Matt Hayes SS 23) Bob Jenkins M 24) Sarah Worthington F 25) Christopher Connolly M 26) Giovanni Fondolinni M 27) Bryan Adams SS 28) Chris Davis SS 29) BEN MOTHERFUCKIN G M 30) Jason Zoll SS 31) Tom Lauria M 32) Craig Seibert M 33) Matt Stacey M 34) Stephen Venters SS 35) Dan Dougan M 36) Gabrielle Renner F 37) John Lake M 38) Tom Marsh M 39) Al Ebert M 40) Mike Barro SS 41) Joshua Clark M 42) Josh Picker M 43) Jon Donjoian SS 44) David Smith M 45) Chris Smentkowsky M 46) Brad Wadlow M 47) Larry Koester SS 48) Scott Nelson SS 49) Trail Bling SS 50) Matt James M 51) Mary Piper F 52) Matthew Ochs SS 53) Todd Holtman M 54) Karen Holtman F 55) Keaton Haire SS 56) John Jones SS 57) Chris McRae M 58) Caleb Hulsey M 59) Travis Hammons M 60) Jes Prenger F...U owe me .78 for s/h! 61) Ric Wolkawitz M...So do U! Hilarious. 62) Rock Wamsley M 63) TAGGART SS 64) Brian Busken M 65) Pete Goode SS 66) Jacob Rohted M 67) T Tocs SS 68) Ben Banet M 69) Sara Swank F 70) Marc Pauly SS 71) James Cocayne SS 72) Corey Case M
Greetings, Team Seagal tifosi. From time to time we come across people that we feel would... "enhance" and give legitimacy to our cheering power on the sidelines of races. I think that this is one person that we should actively seek out, for his dedication and intensity would be no doubt be a shining beacon of light in the dark times of the CX season. These photos were taken from the Tour of Flanders.
Exhibit A, from Pezcyclingnews:
Exhibit B, taken this year: That dude is a fucking badass.
He will make sure that our team will be moar awesorme, and less gay. On the other hand, if we had one of these "contraptions," we would be *more* gay. Like Criss-Angel-managing-a-sausage-factory gay:
Good day and salutations. Your author today is Nico Toscani, it is great to have you back in our little corner of the internets. If you have got a minute to spare I encourage you to stick around because there is a great tale to be told...
Would it surprise you to learn that two of your Team Seagal heroes have just returned home from a fantastik re-alignment of Jerkitude? Stove and I felt strongly it was time to bail, time to hit the road in an airplane and jump to the other side of the USA. Our Dr. Friend called and we answered. Battle plans were dispatched and two Jerks from Missouri were dispensed to The Grand Canyon State.
An early A.M. departure from STL ensured we would indeed view Dr. Wesley McLaren in the AZ Desert by high noon. Ohh man, what a sight he was. Dr. handled all of our arrangements with the skill of a 5-star hotel concierge. He prepared quite a ride, Stove and I just had to jump aboard and take in the sights.
First stop, Prescott (Press-kit), AZ. The home town of Dr. McLaren. Two days of cruising local forest singletrack between 5,000- 7,000 ft with the Doc left us very hungry for Mexican food and malted beverages. We indulged frequently and began to focus our intense attention squarely upon the real task at hand... CRUSHING the SBFL. In addition, we documented our progress:
(Taco)
Continuing forthward, the Team Seagal Locomotive clamored on down the track. Across the Verde Valley, a mere 57 miles to the north of Prescott was our second stop; Sedona, AZ. Taco, Stove, Dr., Mrs. Dr., and Your Author arrived as the sun set the evening before the race. We chose a super area to set-up our campsite, very nicely equipped with jumbo fire-ring and large cacti (for security). Tubed meats were warmed and canned beverages were put into our faces. We all joined hands and Dr began to read from his ancient Chinese scroll... Soon, a giant Vortex appeared. Swirling wildly and spewing energy throughout the desert landscape, the vortex was intimidating. Dr. was courageous to step forward and inspect the beast he had summoned. Satisfied with its power, Dr. Wes beckoned us to come closer. "Follow my lead," he called. Dr. then entered the vortex, t'aint first. One by one we followed, leaving Taco behind to guard the tubed meats.
Holy shit. The Sedona Vortex we entered for the next 48 hours was positively mind-blowing. Your Author considers himself extremely fortunate to have been there. The race course laid out before us was a true t'aint buster on paper; let me tell you that meeting it face-to-face was a real treat. We aligned with two bad-ass dudes while returning enemy fire early on in the day. Otley and Jimmy, both fine examples of Jerkitude, hitched up to our charging locomotive and surely their lives were changed for the better as a result. The five of us each made the SBFL our bitch, we offer up the following images as proof that we had a kick-ass time:
Ohh man, that there was some good shit. We flipped a bitch and headed south across the Verde Valley back towards Prescott. Doc had us home by noon so we returned to the local trails to conduct another dirt parade. We climbed to the top of the venerable 396 trail and then followed D to the R down some twisty doubletrack to a remote mountain-top subdivision. Second house on the left was the new McLaren residence, Dr. had brought us to see his amazorz cabin in the woods:
Our luck with spring-like weather ran out the following day. A cold front blew in from the west and steady rain turned to snow.
Unfortunately, riding trail was out of the question. Instead we went to a breakfast buffet:
Next, Doc took us to the bar that gives you 2 fer 1 drinks:
Then we made a stop by the Liquor Deli and headed for home:
Mrs. Doktor prepared sweet potato enchiladas for supper:
The five of us crushed everything and went to sleep very drunk on AZ. We woke the next morning and promptly returned ourselves to Missouri. That's it, vacation is OVER!
Greetings, Jorks. What a fantastic day of weather, we had today. Quite a Monday, if there ever was one. So what are 9 dudes supposed to do in the woods together on a day like this? Why, ride the Ozark Trail, of course. So yes, I along with the Tropical Storm, Jason, T-Tocs, Mash0r, and our good friends Pat, Nick, and Caleb set our crosshairs on the Council Bluff boat launch, and launched a full-frontal assault. Our plan was to ride from the boat launch and connect to Middlefork while doing the gravel out and riding the singletrack back.
And so it was, a plan more elegant than a poodle taking a shit. We met, and were on the trail before long. However, we didn't leave before discussing Criss Angel's newest magic trick - one which rather than making something disappear, he made something *appear* and then stick around. In this case, it he would make the semen appear on his chin, and then keep it there long enough to have people think it is a miracle, and then come to worship.
As the "Orient Express" rolled up, having camped at a super-secret location the night before and getting in a CB night lap, it was quite clear that they were extra anxious to get back into the woods:
As the Middlefork Man Train rolled out of the station with me as the "bro"-comotive, we settled into a steady pace around the shores of Council Bluff Lake. My muscle memory almost got the best of me as I almost turned onto the bridge to complete the CB loop. However, disaster was averted as I caught my shit at the last minute and we didn't miss a step on the transition to the Telleck Connector. We found that connector, and the short section of Trace Creek to be marvelous, save for a couple of choc0late Jello Pudding puddles. The switch-backed climb up to the DD/32 parking lot was especially hard on our t'aints, but nevertheless, we crested that peak in short time, and were able to stop to see the recently-installed-but-not-quite-completed-and-soon-to-be-dedicated memorial to a true champion of mountain bikers in the OTA, the late John Roth: It'll be like the mountain biker's version of the old StLCC monuments out on Old Manchester Road, which have been talked about a bunch lately.
Crossing 32, we left the highest point on the trail for the longest descent of our ride, where we would then hop on the gravel:
Descending down that hill, I was going so fast, that I thought I might have been on an Elliptigo:
As it turns out, I was just on my badass Kona Big Unit, accompanied by none other than Randy "Big Unit" Johnson: It was pretty evident who had the advantage on the gravel road that descended alongside the creek - anyone with derailleurs. We journeyed past the house which now has 6 dogs to chase us, and came to the tailings pond creek, where we took a deserved break before slogging up the steepest climb out there. At this point, we really started to feel the heat of the day - a welcome heat after months of riding with thermal clothing. The sweat was rolling down our brows in the 80+ degree sun as we cockpunched the climbs, and shredded the descents. After a few of Ozark hills, we came to Barton Fen where we started on probably the second longest climb of the day, and as you can see, was also recently included in a controlled burn:
On Middlefork, the climbs keep going, and happen one right after another. As I was climbing from one of the gravel road crossings, I looked up in a haze of climbing-induced delirium, only to see Mash0r having taken an elevated sniper's position just up ahead, no doubt hoping to eliminate some competition for this year - instinctively I reached for my sidearm, but at the last moment grabbed the camera for instead, in order to have record of my killer. I soon realized he was not out to kill me, yet, but rather to snap a photo. Whew.
Coming over that hill, it felt great, as I knew that we were getting closer to the waterfall, where we would stop for more water and food. It can be really hard to keep eating food when riding in the heat, especially when you know you have to wash it down with ever-warming water in your hydration pack. Even little creek splashes like this were a welcome sensation - when only a month ago, it would have brought serious concerns regarding the warmth of my feet:
The last couple of descents before crossing the last gravel road and climbing back up to Hwy 32 were a real blast - super twisty with more flow than Nate Dogg, RIP. I was surprised at the pace that I kept on the ascent to Hwy 32, but I think that I must have blown my wad - because after descending from the DD/32 trailhead to South Trace and climbing the one hill on South Trace before descending to the Telleck Connector, it was all I could do to simply stay upright on that last climb. Of course, my speed felt even slower, as I let Caleb go past me at the base of that climb at which point he was basically in full sprint and out of sight within 15-20 seconds. Damn! I think I felt his accelerations affecting the Earth's rotation, there was so much power.
I was the last person to roll in from the train of dudes that rode the trail back from DD/32 to the boat launch, while the rest choo-choo'd their way down the pavement. Our buddy Pat was a little too euphoric from all the badass-ness that had been crammed down his throat by that trail, and had to hang out at the DD/32 trailhead for a bit as he got a grip on reality. Totally understandable, given the level of enlightenment which he achieved that day.
You can tell that Middlefork has been getting a fair amount of traffic this year already, as we saw a handful of tread marks already there. Traffic from both cyclists, and from trail volunteers - the trail had ZERO overgrowth (not out of the ordinary for this time of year,) but it also does not look to be getting much this year either! I think there was only one tree over which to dismount. Another thing we saw was a "witness tree" and I don't think I was the only person wondering WTF that was. Another glorious day in the woods, as we look forward to the first event of the year, whatever that may end up being.
Professor Robert Burns:
OMG Andy Scheutte has one very nice steel Kona 29er
6hr Solo Crushor Jon Schottler, the fastest fella in the state:
Oh yes it's true, much fun and excellent course conditions were shared by all. Let it be shown that Peat, Your Author, and PFC Orin Boyd each earned top 5 positions in the prestigious 6hr SS Solo class - this is partly to fairly awesome in my new car's opinion. Ewww Weee, we caint wait to have our bones bent again next year. Thanks for stopping by, Nico Toscani signing out. Jerks!
