Death By Hills Ride - ride report

Ho-ly Shit. I would like to compare this ride to the photo shown above. Arnold Schwarzenegger in this photo represents all the dudes who came on this ride - a.k.a. super badass, and now-unstoppable muscles strength. The two little old ladies represent all who did not come - a.k.a. super jealous (and probably horny?)

In between mistaking young boys on bikes for hot chicks, we managed to ride up a few hills. Each hill being a monster in-and-of itself, however when ridden back to back all within the same ride in the middle of February, it equates to very serious business. It was a good thing the lower limit screws on everyone's derailleurs were all adjusted properly... (well, maybe not Mason's.)

The stats:
~83.5 miles
~7500 feet of climbing (according to Nico's Garmin)
-6 hours ride time
-26 notable hills, (most of them being the ones that are typically avoided on group rides)
-20 riders starting out (maybe more? I didn't get an accurate headcount.)
-9 riders finishing
-2 singlespeeds
-1 mountain bike (Keeven, you masochistic SOB)
-0 complaints or whining
-100% success

There were several firsts on this ride. Many people had not done several of these hills, and I had never done the Pro-As-Fuck side-of-the-road-pee-while-straddling-top-tube maneuver. Doctor had never even seen any of these hills, yet snapped each one of them handily, including mighty Cremins Green, which is so steep, that you seriously risk tipping backwards (some of our front wheels were lifting off the ground.)

An interesting thing to mention that I found to be absolutely hilarious was the reaction from various other riders when certain hills came into view. Specifically Babler Forest, Bartizan, Cremins Green, Woodland Meadows, Orville (this one resulted in some rather "negative" comments from Nico, directed specifically towards me...) Amusing during the ride as they were, after the post-ride meal, it briefly looked as though I was at risk of being tied to a tree and having each rider taking turns kicking me directly in the nads.

Fortunately for me, Lone Wolf Coffee had enough food for us to shove through our glycogen windows, and this might have soothed everyone's hatred towards me.

There are 3 things in life that you can count on - death, taxes, and this ride happening again, hopefully when warmer. Very nice work to everyone who showed, especially in the later parts of the ride when were all destroyed with fatigue - everyone who attempted a hill completed that hill. It was a shit ton of fun to have all of these other riders show up to something like this, having had such short notice in the middle of the winter/off-season. Just goes to show you that if you plan it, they will show. Just gotta have something that is interesting! See you at the next one?

-Casey F. Ryback


P.S. Watch this video, brought to our attention by our own Puncher of Cocks.

Steven Seagal Lightning Bolt - watch more funny videos

Death By Hills Ride - It's about to "drop"

I never would have thought that this town had this many suicidal people in it. But after posting this road route yesterday, thinking "it would be cool to try this year," a number of people were interested at attempting to kill themselves by flinging themselves against a hillside alongside us.

So as I type this out a 11PM, I can smell the bacon that my roommate is cooking - yes, fucking bacon at 11PM - and I think to myself "This is going to be fucking awesome." If you finish this, Energor will smile and grant you the status of "Badass;" AND you're face will do this:


So anyway, this was starting out as just 2 or 3 of us going to scope out this route for a future road hill challenge. But lots people jumped at the idea of riding this Sunday, so this piece-a-shit is a go for Sunday. If you want to go, here's the deal:

Where: Lone Wolf Coffee - corner of Kehr's Mill and Clayton Road. Check out the website for details - www.lonewolfcoffecompany.com

When: 9AM, try to be there kinda early so we don't leave late. I'd rather not be still sitting around at 9:30.

Route: See yesterday's post, or download it:
http://www.mapmyride.com/route/us/mo/wildwood/649368124166 Turns out it's about 93 miles total.

Pace: Steady but relaxed, talking pace. There isn't much distance between each hill, so let's take advantage. However, I'd rather it isn't an FBC Full Moon Fiasco pace.

Weather: Looks like a high of 38F.

This route does not go straight out for 4 hours then back for 4 hours - in other words, we should almost always be within *about* an hour of the start point if you need to bail, which some people will. Which is cool. There will also be a handful of gas stations for refuel, i.e. at Six Flags, and Wild Horse Creek/109. That being said, bring plenty of food and water 'cuz this ain't supported! There WILL also be some hills that are done as an out-and-back solely for the sake of going up that hill in paticular, so mentally prepare yourself for a few of those, a'ight? The plus side is that a few of these, like Babler Forest, will be a ball-out descent that allows you to go as fast as you will let yourself.

I must give a disclaimer - Tour de Groundhog was on our agenda, but when huge rides pop up that will have us on the bike for a longer period of time, with little/no driving and no entry fee, sometimes we just have to jump on it. Nevertheless, there WILL be a Seagal presence at TdG (thank you Nico.)

So if you still want to go, start resting now, and show up before 9 this Sunday. I mean really, how often do you get to redline yourself at 4.5 mph?

-Casey. Fucking. Ryback.

Super Mega-Hill Death Route

Here's a list of West County hills (in no particular order) with which to attempt to encompass in an upward-fashion:

-Ries Rd.
-St. Paul - 2 hills
-BA
-Babler State Park -5 possible hills
-Woods Rd.
-Bartizan Dr.
-Melrose (from Hwy 109 to Allenton Rd.)
-Alt Rd - 2 hills going from Hwy 109 into Eureka, though the name changes to Forby
-"Allenton Loop" - 2 hills if CCW
-Highland View
-Fox Mountain (farther back from Highland View, off of Model Realty Rd.)
-Allenton Road
-Scenic Loop Rd., CW
-DeHardt Farms - 5 hills if done out-and-back
-Hardt Rd.
-Rieger
-Ridge Rd. - out-and-back climbing from river up to St. Paul
-Bassett
-Cremins Green
-Babler Trails/Babler Forest
-Ossenfort
-Melrose (from Hwy T up to Ossenfort)
-Glencoe Rd. (goes through Rockwoods)
-Shephard Rd.
-Orville (either direction, preferably Old Eatherton to Shepard)
-Bouquet - 2 hills
-Wild Horse Creek ("Doberman Hill")
-Wild Horse Creek (Ossenfort to Rieger)
-Woodland Meadows (either direction, preferable 100 to Old Manchester)
-Clayton (Streucker to 109)

By my count, a possible 44 significant hills, 45 if you count Melrose from 109 as 2 separate hills.

How possible is this? I haven't mapped it out on mapmyride.com yet, so I don't know exactly how long this is, though I would assume around 70-80 miles. A route that I have put together, attempting to maximize the number of best hills, while minimizing backtracking/doubling-over, and going TOO far out of the way. This starts at Lone Wolf Coffee. I think that another possible starting point could be Castlewood, but that would be a little more remote. I put the hills in bold.

-Head west on Clayton, and turn left onto the bike path. Take this down 109, cross over Hwy 100 on pedestrian bridge, and turn right onto Old Manchester.
-left onto Woods Rd. Descend and turn left up Bartizan, come back down, and continue down Woods.
-left onto bike path and ride south along Hwy 109.
-left up Old State for about .1 mile
-left onto Redtail Hawk Dr
-Then turn/veer left onto Johns Cabin Rd, which is a clockwise loop (Mitch's secret training loop) and will bring you back to Old State.
-Cross 109 at Old State, turn right up Alt Rd.
-Cross over Hwy 44, turn right onto West Main St (in between train tracks.)
-left onto Wengler and start Allenton Loop, going CCW.
-Exit Allenton Loop to the left, go underneath Hwy 44, and climb Allenton Rd.
- right onto Scenic Loop Rd, going opposite direction.
-right, continuing on Allenton Rd.
-left onto Melrose
-right onto Hwy 100
-right onto Woodland Meadows Dr.
-right onto Old Manchester
-right onto Glencoe (through Rockwoods.)
-Go straight up Melrose
-Turn right (again) onto Hwy 100, cross over and turn left and continue on Melrose all the way until it descends to Hwy T.
-Left on T
-Left on Bassett
-Left onto Cremin's Green, out-and-back. Continue up Bassett.
-Left onto Old Manchester
-left onto Bouquet.
-Left onto Ossenfort, cross T, and continue on Ossenfort through flats.
-Continue straight onto Wild Horse Creek
-turn left up Babler Forest as an out-and-back.
-Come back down, and turn right onto Wild Horse Creek, climbing to Rieger.
-Turn left onto Rieger
-left on Pond
-left on BA
-left into Babler. Once in Babler, turn right onto John Cochran Dr (CCW loop), turn right up Theodore Wirth Drive, and left down Guy Park Dr (past the pool). Turn right back up John Cochran Dr, climb up the first hill, and turn left at the bottom of the other side (also John Cochran Dr (be careful on the gravel!) and duck under gate to exit Babler State Park.
-Immediately turn right up Wild Horse Creek Drive (Doberman.)
-Turn right onto Old Eatherton.
-Left onto Orville.
-Right up Shephard.
-Left onto 109 (cross onto bikepath?)
-Left onto Clayton back to Lone Wolf Coffee.

*Option to turn left off of Clayton onto Valley Rd (turns into Strecker), turn right up Kehrs Mill back to Lone Wolf.

Hills that I didn't include: Ries, St. Paul, Ridge, Hardt Rd, Highland View/Fox Mountain, DeHardt Farms, up Ossenfort, up Glencoe Rd, up Rieger.

Would anyone else like to try this, or make suggestions for a better route? This could be made into a road Non-Race, much like the Chubb Challenge, where you get a tally and a spoke card for every hill that you ascend.

-C.F. Ryback

***Edit - This is potentially the hardest road ride that I will have ever done.
- CFR***

Party at Penrose

Greetings loyal team seagal fan. Yesterday yours truly (M. Storm) and my younger brother (F. Taft) after work we decided to go for a friendly fixed gear ride through the no so often visited North Side. We left team seagal headquarters around 1pm and headed North via Skinker Ave. We took this all the way to Natural Bridge where we turned right and headed east towards Kingshighway! I can honestly say that every time (which is a lot!) I ride that stretch I have never seen another soul on any type of bicycle with the exception of an FBC once took this very route on a ride last year. It is like this forgotten part of our city, and by the looks of all of its surrounding landscape it is not doing so hot. This brings me to the title of the post. Through all the darkness you must pedal your bike through Penrose is a bright light at the end of the tunnel. I recently purchased another fixie, but this time it's a serious race machine (2009 Fuji Track Comp). I plan to race the entire MO State Track series. Let the training begin! One thing is for sure. I am going to get served at the races, but hopefully it helps me build some explosive power for 2009 CX! If you happen to be out at the track this summer look for a Kona/Pabst tent if you want to grab some**free** cold ones! We are bringing the party this year to Penrose....Seagal style. Here are a few clips of Forrest and Myself each riding some hot laps.


***Winner***
F. Taft's Times:
Lap 1 00.33.18
Lap 2 00.28.93
Lap 3 00.29.64

M. Storm's times:
Lap 1 00.30.68
Lap 2 00.30.81
Lap 3 00.30.38

Ryback and Storm Attack Chubb and Find That Snow Is Bullshit

Today was a day of days. And by that, I mean that Mason and I attempted to slap the shit out of the Chubb Trail. Thermometer read about 22 deg and sunny, so we saddled up in the Lone Elk parking lot and pointed down.

You know there is some nasty bullshit ahead when hikers, who aren't even technically on the same path as you, are yelling at you (while you're still riding) that "It's really icy down there!"

Turns out, they were right! Despite a heavy snowstorm a week ago along with a couple of 50 deg days, it was as if it had snowed yesterday. The snow was 3 or 4 inches deep in some areas, but the big issue was the footprints of hikers that had compacted the snow underfoot and turned most of the trail surface into a washboard of icy footprints, with some patches of snow mixed in for traction. Kind of like riding in a muddy cow pasture that had just frozen - slow, bumpy progress. It was one of the only times that we would have liked some fat, studded tires.

No matter, we are badasses. And as badasses, we overcome all obstacles. We blazed a path of destruction up to the staircase, and promptly snapped its icy, snow-covered wrist. Up and down multiple times on camera. Want proof? Here you go. So, as Turbonegro sez, "Get It On."









We were short on time, and made it back just as the sun set. From there, Mason had to go take care of business, and I went to a party with some of my friends:
Once that trail starts to melt, it'll be a sloppy, disease-infested, sewage-pipe of a trail surface.



In other news, I have glorious plans related to our road-riding future. It involves a route that will stretch roughly 125 miles of good local roads, one of which might see you poking your head north of 60 mph. Yeah.

Stay tuned.

-C.F. Ryback

Hey, who let these jerks in?

After a few short months here in Milwaukee a Team Seagal squad has formed. Tonight was the first time we were all under one roof. There were a couple of soldiers who could not make it, but this represents the lion's share of the team. The mood was electric as visions of race domination and PBR decimation were planned out for deuce double aught nine. Like a 16 year old girl I whipped out my phone to take some myspace quality pictures, but I couldn't get the guys to hang on each other and throw their margaritas in the air. So instead, I have some blurry shots of us drinking PBR and and having a good time in a corner pub.

Ian (look how fast he is, blurry even in still photos) and Ryan
Andy and Tony. You may recognize Andy from this, #1 on youtube.


Tony and Terminator-eyed styled Ministor

In the words of the Revenge of the Nerds hero Louis "It's going to be a great year Gilbert."

the ministor

The Early Ryback Gets The Snow!

It is certainly a rare occurrence for the conditions to be right in St. Louis for a true, honest-to-Energor snow ride. You generally might be able to squeeze one, maybe 2 of these in a year if you're lucky. Too little snow, and there's no point. Too much snow, and it becomes too deep and difficult to push. Difficult, that is unless you have friends with toys.

For the first Snowmageddon of 2009 this past Tuesday, I decided to wake myself the fuck up before dawn, pack my shit up, and ride go play in some powder, but not in the same way as Tony Montanga:

I set a course for Castlewood and got there so early that they had actually yet to open the gates, even though it was after 7am. First person at the park, and the first set of tracks to be laid!

Well, I guess I wasn't the first to be out on the trails:Normally I hit 20-25 down this stretch of Grotpeter, today it was more like 12:

Surprisingly this uber-steep section was fairly easily-handled, despite the snow:
Looks like this ride was ridden just in time, as later in the day it definitely shat out another 3 inches of snow.

Ready for Tour de Groundhog? Oh yes, we'll be there...

-C.F. Ryback

Chubb to Castlewood - The Wacky Misadventures of Nico and Casey

Few people will argue that this winter has so far been less precipitous than usual, although the temperatures have been consistently colder. It is most likely due directly to the nuclear winter that has set in as a result of this teams' constant involvement in nuclear-war-sized battles on mountain bike and cyclocross race courses across the region.

Despite this egregious impact that we have had on worldwide climate, there is an upside. That is, when the temperatures STAY super cold, the trail never thaws out and gets muddied-up. So the trails are badass, and full of awesormeness. Thusly, nuclear perpetrators Nico Toscani and myself, Casey Ryback, saw fit to do nothing else but to launch an intercontinental ballistic assault from the Chubb Trail to Castlewood this past Sunday. Temperatures were in the mid teens, due to the sun being blocked out by airborne ash from previous test-detonations. The near white-out conditions of a snow storm encountered on the drive to the trailhead was also very foreboding. However, Nico and I, being experts in extreme mountain warfare, were well-suited for riding in frigid temperatures.

We fixed bayonets and launched our charge, noting the large grouping of "SLUGS" window stickers in the parking area. True to expectations, the trail was in great shape, though some of the rock surfaces were a bit on the slick side due to the light dusting of radioactive snow. We passed many a hiker, a handful of other cyclist, but oddly enough no equestrians. I theorize that the equestrians were at their tri-weekly meeting where they discuss how to avoid adding any benefit to local multi-use trails while still taking the unwarranted-entitlement-high ground and denying the unpredictability of their beasts.
(On a related note, check out this website: http://horsehater.blogspot.com/)

We proceeded to essentially flatten all obstacles on our way to Chubb-Stardom, eventually emerging 1000% victorious in the West Tyson parking lot. I proceeded to guide myself and Nico on a painful path persistently pockmarked with pestilence of a pungent, putrid problems. Quickly conquering Route 66 State Park, we crossed the RR tracks and climbed briefly along Hwy 44. We soon had to duck off the road due to sentries sent by Reagan to capture us. The "trail" to Castlewood leads along an old-timey rail bed, crossing two creeks, and eventually shitting us out onto the Al Foster Trail.

We definitely went through an intestine-like labyrinth of downed trees, branches, and more downed trees:

We were afforded some interesting sights, in between performing gymnastic-like maneuvers over-and-under branches, and in between blitz-like attacks from various henchmen sent by Orin Hanner Sr:





It wasn't all unrideable, as evidenced by these smooth sections:


Final main obstacle:

The winds did blow, the shoe covers did rip, Zambian street children uprisings crushed, and many a zip-tie did get ripped-off. But we made it back to the car with less weakness in our system than we had before leaving. However, that last statement is actually completely fallacious because we are both completely devoid of any weakness. Although maybe that means we actually are more than 100% strength now! Think about it - since we were at 0% weakness (100% strength) before the ride, and by the time the ride was finished we had less weakness, sooo... that weakness that left our body has to be replaced by something, and since strength is the opposite of weakness, it was replaced with strength! What this all equates out to is that Nico and I are now even more unstoppable than before. And here's the kicker - we were both sportin' mustaches, both of which will be competing themselves in the MWFTS, and might actually be our greatest competition. Can you imagine a podium-sweep of mustaches? I can, and it is glorious...

Almost as glorious as Pfood's new coffee shop! I stopped by and was served a delicious beverage by none other than Marshall Lawson, and was amazed by the hard, pipe-hittin' ambiance that is strongly locally-flavored. Kehrs Mill and Clayton...
I had asked Proceed-Cat if I should go to see the new coffee shop, and he had this to say:

-Casey Fucking Ryback

Chubb Trail aka Storm the Bear mauled a tree, and then killed it on the trail while Nico Toscani rode a Mario Van Peebles Flint Quarry lap!

Salutations and a hearty hello to you, the loyal Team Seagal fan. This week has been great! Me, Mason Storm, and my Nose Neighbor cashed in on the generous outside-temperature stimulus program initiated early this week by Mother Nature herself- even she thought last week's sub zero lows and single-digit highs was teh bull-shits.

War Games were promptly scheduled at Chubb as training is underway for two highly anticipated tests of power, will, and one's ability to inflict general wrist-carnage upon their opposistion. First on the calender is Steve and Gina Driscoll' s Tour De Groundhog taking place February 17th in Williamsville, IL. Second is the Inaugural Bone Bender 3hr / 6hr on March 14th in Smithville, MO. Bone Bender promises to be a "3/6 Hour Mountain Bike Odyssey in Paradise." Based on the promoters reputation, I believe this to be a true statement. It will be the first endurance MTB race of the 2009 season for most of us here at Team Seagal HQ, we are getting quite excited to test our early season form.

Back to getting Chubby, Mason must have thought he was driving a D9 Caterpillar instead of his Big Unit as he tried his hand at Logging within the first 10 minutes of our ride at Chubb the other day. We descended from Lone Elk, crossed the first set of railroad tracks and followed the new "line" down and up through the rocky creek bed. We were moving with great momentum through the twisty dips and tight single track approaching the rock garden. Mason dropped into one steep dip a little too fast and as he launched out the other side I swear I heard him cry "Awww man, I'm coming in hot!" Storm said he blinked hard once and then his whole field of vision was crowded with nothing but the trunk of a mature tree. He slammed into that tree trunk and then just pressed "eject." The bike / back hoe stopped completely and Mason's body deflected off into space as he transitioned into an expertly executed akido roll that would have made the master shed a poignant tear. When Mason stood next he was several yards further down trail than his bicycle. I was right there on the scene but this guy was already picking the leaves out of his helmet...

The ensuing display of Superior Attitude and Superior State of Mind was truly something to behold. Mason confessed that he felt slightly concussed, but that the day was too nice to ditch this ride so early in. We were fortunate to continue on without incident, separating only briefly so I could battle the rocky accent of the Flint Quarry section.

The following footage depicts proof of victory on the front lines. Riding on the Chubb towards the picnic table from West Tyson Mason and I decided to attack some very tricky switchbacks. First up, is my best performance of the day. This is probably my 17th try, I was able to achieve around 90% switchback domination:



Next, observe our hero Mr. Mason Storm achieve TOTAL switchback domination on his FIRST try:



Here are the fantastik Kona's we were riding that day: Nico's Unit JR....notice anything new?



Mason's BIG Unit:



Well, have fun out there in the sunshine everyone. It is safe to assume that most trails are rideable and tortally awesorme at this time. Until we meet again, take care of yourselves and "don't do anything we wouldn't do."

-Nico Toscani

SSWC09 APP#2

Greetings loyal Team Seagal fan! It is Mason Storm on the mic, and I am asking for your help. Please keep myself and my younger brother Forrest Taft in your thoughts this week. The USPS has seemed to of lost our original attempts, and we are left with hoping our next applications find their way to beautiful Durango CO on time and before the cutoff. Let us remember our motto "Superior Attitude, Superior State of Mind" in these trying times.
Thanks in advance for your positive energy!
Mason